full of ham and cheese egg muffin and pork pies me

Paleontologists recently unearthed the largest tibia ever recorded. It was quite the shindig.

you ask me to help you in a crisis situation when you have witnessed me panic, on repeated occasions, because I could not find my peppermint chapstick?

hold me in your hand and put me close to your lips like all the TikTok people do with their fuzzy mics (I am fuzzy and need love, too!)

aspiring to be a vapid whore, at present only vapid

clenching my jaw as a hobby

I’d rather give them a taste of my medicine instead of a taste of their own medicine as it’s obviously not working.

slow cooked these thoughts into a panic attack

No yeah you’re right. Pushing a button to see the credits doesn’t seem like much of a game but it was free on the appstore.

Don’t worry the suffering snowballs really quick and you’ll start to get turned on as you go into shock.

Hey guys let’s just pretend he’s dead again that was funsies

I don’t know anthropology but I do know and throw shit brick to the head crazy with no apology.

My favorite part about filling out patient information forms is how obvious it is that absolutely no one reads them.

At least my slutty 4-star general Halloween costume will really pop this year

What's a king to a god?

Isn't it magical, the way dirty plates reappear in the sink

I was in full fucking extrovert mode last night, the 'sorry for being fucking hilarious and obnoxious' texts have been fucking delivered

i mean, he's no horatius cocles granted, but it's been a while since my bridgehead was eyed hungrily by even a small band of etruscans 🤷‍♀️

tried reverse psychology once, wasn't convinced

any teleport in a blamestorm

even in a universe with equal distance of separation you’d still get some green bug-eyed loon complain about planetary migration

writing a crime drama about a negligent police force, calling it [puts shades on]..minimal minds

it's good to see your name in writing, just not in my handwriting

all torc and no fireballs

had a few too many at the localism and got lost in translation which was an awkward turn of phrase

i’m usually at some event horizon looking for the nearest vanishing point

don’t talk to me in the morning until i’ve had my brownian motion

if you can't stand the assclowns, kick them out of the political circus

Not only will I shenanigan, but I will thrice.

Never underestimate the therapeutic effect of standing your ground.

I need music to clean the litter boxes by. What have you got?

WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone will not prevent tooth decay. No weirdos please.

puns about precipitation aren't funny... snow joke

I’m not saying I’m committed, but I did memorize their work schedule, favourite coffee order and the security blind spots in their apartment building.

I don’t just miss the mark, I shoot the arrow, then paint the target around wherever it lands. That’s how CEOs are made.

I’ve invented Salad Soup, which is just a bowl of lettuce submerged in ranch dressing. You’re supposed to eat it with a sense of moral superiority.

A teenager was asked to find Iran on a map. After a minute of searching, he pointed to Texas and said, "I ran... all the way here?”

Adderall XR just hits different when you open the gel cap, dump the beads on your tongue, and violently shake your head like a cartoon dog

I own a lot of knives for a pacifist.

berserkers got caught bombing a bus shelter with runes and druids were like, wurd!

election's in the bag of shite

gotta black belt in nocando

thought i was having a digital identity crises but i just mixed up my passwords and forgot what account is for which site

1 lapwing burger, a red kite bagel, 2 robin pockets, a bucket of swans, a hot dog, 1 kit cat..oh and a small diet cola, please

Having a good heart serves no purpose in this life, just be a good cunt.

When someone says *Obesity runs in my family* Coughs, I think you meant to say.. *We’re all this size because no one runs in my family*

No thanks but I’d rather not be resuscitated, a wee DNR tattoo sounds lovely right about now.

Turns out I’m 60% cunt & 40% mentally unstable.

Throw me a bone or under the bus, it’s all the same to me.

Being a mature adult means learning to take criticism you idiot.