the best thing about the internet these days is that everything’s computer

preying on anybody’s system gives me the feature creeps www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw0u...

can’t stop thinking of the sticky bellies i had last night

it’s as thick as two short plancks out there

can’t stop thinking about the sticky bellies i’m having tonight

I never go big & always wanna go home.

The only zest for life I have is in the citrus fruits in the fridge.

So much to do so little want to do it.

Ran out of mojo, I’ve plenty of nojo.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Under Hunted

I was weird with the postman. Again. Now I have to move. Again.

Do you think the first spider to go out and make a web was like, ta dah! and all the other spiders were "oh thank god, I thought it was just me"

said no to a really cool free pen and my former stationery addicted self is absolutely appalled with me

The extra virgin olive oil I got from the halal market is meh

full sugar whipped cream on my banana this morning, then I will run circles around my desk until they send me home

If I cough one more time my demons will probably kick me out of the crypt.

I start my day the same way I put on my pants. One leg in, one leg caught, falling, and bouncing off the furniture.

my bush has icicles

Nap stands for "Necessary Adult Pause". This is what I need daily to survive.

Nobody sneezes on her nighty as sexy as me.

My wife just tied a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Then she used it to fix the pull-chain on the ceiling fan. Her flexibility is admirable.

threw a condom off a building to see if it bounced but only the guy carrying it did.

i’m writing up my grimoires, it’s like a memoir but with shittier weather

if you’re ever on a construction site and have to speak to somebody in charge don’t ask for the foreman, ask for the ringleader

i’d rather be taken out in the wastes of space than take the rubbish out

one complaint is easily dismissed but when there are accusations from more than one complainant it suggests a pattern but that has nothing to do with being barred from my local for gatecrashing private parties

I need a vacation. Off planet.

Met an administrator, and in an instant my life flashed before my eyes. She asked about my life, and an instant was all it took to summarize.

It's like my favorite tech death metal vocalist says, "OMM NOMM NOMM OMMMA NOMMA NOM NOM GI ME COOKIEEE OM NOM NOM"

If you call a dental office and there’s a rooster crowing in the background the whole time I’d think twice about visiting that dentist.

I dunno…maybe tattoo a map to the location of the clit on your inner thigh?

I used to be just another notch on a bed post.

If you’re spiraling out of control slowly, aren’t you just sort of walking around in a circle?

my incubus fell asleep first last night so I drew a penis on his forehead

Drinking my coffee in the bathroom because I can't microwave eggs with the bedroom lights on.

Chukkas for my fuckas. -me, passing out boots

Spoke with a man in an art gallery today who I believe was the original model for Michaelangelo's the David but I forgot to get his autograph.

If you’re sending assassins to kill me, send ninjas. They’re more expensive but they’re quiet— my neighbors have work in the morning.

desperately seeking silence

*slinkies into the void*

Today I compiled and sent a looooong email that I've been putting off for a year so that's me done for 2026.

I had to make a phone call today and talk to a person and now I'm exhausted

Jumping for joy sounds like a waste of good energy.

that quantum entanglement when you are notified that your parcel has been delivered but you never ordered anything and there is nothing at the door

thursday

dissociate with me✨🖤

I’m the first to admit my office hours are a little weird, but they are conveniently fictional.

you’re all invited to my orgy but instead of having sex you’ll be cleaning my apartment feel free to take off your clothes but stay off my furniture

This inner monologue is a carrot on a string operated by someone who clearly hates me.

Somebody tell this country I got my own problems, I can’t attend it’s fucking funeral right now.