Hey real quick whats the Panera Bread juice that kills you hurry I’m about to order

They say be yourself as if it’s an enjoyable experience.

Sometimes a listening ear can be attached to an evil heart & a twisted mouth that only deals in Chinese whispers.

I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew

It’s so cold outside that I’m wearing two pairs of panties that way if the wind blows up my skirt my lips won’t get chapped

The Word of the Day: Bitchmance When two women have bonded by being bitches together

It’s bitterly cold outside… like a room full of angry ex-wives

I pulled one cup from the dispenser at the gas station and lots more flew out behind it like a cascade of flying dominoes. Beautifully ordered plastic chaos.

if you went by the name Sarge, had (have) a pink Mohawk, and sold sheets of acid in Golden Gate Park in the ‘90s, HMU

Forward facing. Wide-eyed. Poorly hydrated. Floundering. There are lanes?

my talk text thinkth i have a lithp

hey don’t blame me for misspellings and grammatical errors by talk to text smart phones my ass

What do you mean I have to wait to buy a gun?

Whenever I am troubled, I relax in the lotus position and repeat my mantra: add to cart.

Pay walls can suck a deec

I hit him over the head but he didn’t see stars. Every cartoon lied

Boneless hot dogs are for children. Grow up and eat it off the cob like an adult.

purple 4 1 cunt used to be my stupid pills dealer name

divide out of chaos, rule out of anarchy and conquer out of stupidity

i barked at the village idiots and they worshiped me like a dog

i’d be really good as an influencer if it wasn't for the narcissism and pathological lying

you remind me of a fire horse i once had, difficult to breathe around, an irritation to the eyes and capable of third degree burns

gimbal lock, stock, and barrel

Changed the WiFi name to "your butthole" so now every time someone connects to it, it says, "Now connected to your butthole" The grandkids are howling.

When people complain that I talk too fast I think that they need to learn to listen faster.

The unkept, tired look is my thing.

Not to brag, but I receive multiple calls per day notifying me that my loan is approved and ready to sign. I didn't even ask for one!

i got kicked out of wench school when they spotted my cleavage was actually 2 skinless rotisserie chickens

I don't fly as much as I used to, but I'm the guy that gives the crew a nod letting them know that if they need me, just ask viewfromthewing.com/ive-got-trum...

I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him

Thinking about learning how to knit so I can start an Etsy account that features knitted merkins called PseudoPubes

I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

Our search party found the lost expedition and decided to join them.

my birthstone is a coffee bean

you wanna get together later and chase me with a knife

There are far fewer situations that are resolved in epic sword fights than the chambara films of my youth led me to believe.

you guys would be hella surprised how inarticulate I am in person

Wish I'd been at this party

Finger skating. Is this something?

windy days like today make me wish i had a big strong gf to sit on me so i don't blow away

Me as a barista. I dgaf what you want in your coffee. The shit’s over there.

Ok that’s it the next furniture store sales associate who asks if I need anything is gonna hear about my itching hemorrhoids

I remember my ex walking into court with me saying he was going to ask the judge how he was supposed to get ahead paying all this child support. We walked in and the judge said, “Debbie! How are the fish biting?” He didn’t ask his question.

Every city and town has a strange guy named Kenny. Maybe he’s the guy everyone assumes is homeless but just likes to walk around talking to people or maybe he’s the guy beating a dead bird on everyone’s windshield at the stoplight yelling “Who killed my Pigeon!”.

Lesson learned, but only until next time.

Do dogs wonder why we don’t lick them back?

Steep cobblestone streets sleek with freezing dew wind their way through old cinemas & hot dog carts hawking self made millionaires washed down the gutter with bouffant paisley hip bumps, hand jives & deep red sleds

that quantum entanglement when you can't see your face in front of your hand

i’m just a demon in another dimension standing inside of a pentagram waiting to be summoned