data so cold compression is in frostbytes

When someone asks where I came from I say I think I came from my dad’s left testicle because I’m definitely not right.

You should lighten up she said.. You’d lighten up if I stuck a roasting light bulb up your arse but hey you don’t see me doing that.. I replied. Idiot.

Don't hate the poem, hate the poet.

Keep posting, I'm a masochist.

I put the laugh in manslaughter.

Yeah yeah, what does your dog think of me?

I have no idea what I’m doing, and I am dead serious about it.

Technically it’s Epstein’s monster.

There may be nights with no stars but at least there are always 101st Airborne helicopters.

Now hiring. A better electrician. No questions.

I find it amusing when people living below sea level deny climate change.

I'm in HR again because I keep saying "the trash heap has spoken" everytime the boss ends team meetings.

Not optimistic or pessimistic but a secret, mysterious third thing, a mysticmistic.

I have two left thumbs. If anyone has a right one, I'll trade and throw in a coupla pinkies. Need to complete this set.

she was soft as rain a billowing skirt blooming in honey coated flowers her mouth a musical note shaped in a mischievous bow and yet you could not help but sense an exquisite death loomed by spiders shook deep within her core yes, she was a joyous tragedy on fuck me heels #brokenpoet

Did you know that speedos were invented to give European men a way to smuggle the family jewels out of China?

Whose time is it.. who who. I said whose time is it.. who who. That’s right.. its our time. who who. Really guys..

Murder, She Prompted. 😭

The un-aged version of me in my core believes that the best way to cool down soup is by blowing on it from a height of six inches, making airplane noises.

The Signal message congrats are pouring in on this Vets day for my giant Pete Hegseth lawn decoration inflated with my nastiest farts

get it ✨✨✨

*sashays into the cheese aisle*

How many politicians does it take to make a change? None, they just sit in the dark ages and argue

earth decides to tilt its ass into deep space and i have to spend the next six months freezing mine off

woke up thinking i was being hacked by aliens or something but it turns out i’m just hungry and was having a midnight mac attack

tried to get with the program but was out to launch

the current government couldn't organise a u-turn in a culdesac without thinking of the neat idea in the first place

if you would, just put me back where you found me when you’re done, thanks

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS ABUSE, I WANT TO.

POLICE OFFICER [reading me my rights]: Anything you say can and will be held against you ME: …boobies

I took acid and sleeping pills at the same time and all I got were the thousands upon thousands of copies of this dumb t-shirt I designed and printed during the experience

Sorry, I wasn't fully listening. The tiny whales that live in my stomach were singing again.

Reply or quote with a punchline: "Yeah, I've got a dick like a Pringles can. It empties too quickly and makes many people sad."

History certainly repeats itself, usually whispering some variant of “put them all to the sword.”

You too can try Dubai chocolate for around $10 for 3 servings or save money instead by buying a Cadbury bar and adding sand.

Leaving a paper trail is the best cover your ass thing you can do This is why I flick my cigarettes out the window

Touch grass you said It will be fun you said Sure I said what’s the worst that could happen (severe allergic reaction and $200 fine)

If you won $10 for second place in beauty contest.. you might be a redneck.

when i flex my biceps i will welcome you to the gun show because water pistols are guns too

You aren't really forty until you catch yourself vibing at the spaghetti aisle in the supermarket

- Are you suuure there's nothing to eat? -One moment, let me check my bra

I'm not in debt, I belong to a cult that believes in the circulation of money

Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places

My mind is free, but my body is $50 an hour.

Eighteen fishing vessels have been damaged or sunk by killer whales off the coast of Spain in the last three years. I think these attacks are orcastrated. Or is that when you cut the balls off a dolphin?

I don't do dishes. I do men who do dishes.

The military is now required to receive quarterly spray on bronzer to demonstrate their patriotism

today I asked somebody to listen instead of react and now I have a bloody nose