Seriously jingle horse we are super fucking late

I want to see everything completely riddled with holes when I come back through here tomorrow

Out of curiosity I read about something I was interested in.

Military-grade exoskeleton that just curls you up into the fetal position

Lost mitten hung on fencepost as an ominous warning to other mittens.

Conan, what is best in life?

Male pattern kindness

This was, of course, a jest. I have not fathered any children, and if I had, I would certainly not bother teaching them manners.

Stop tarnishing my good name by associating it with my terrible deeds.

Ugh, this website’s political discourse is dominated by people who can’t even name the seven directorates of the shadow government.

Every day you encourage your kids to say “please” and “thank you” and they ignore you. But you accidentally say “crepuscular torpor” in front of them one time!!

The professor doesn’t scritch your muzzle when he administers the injection? You’re probably just in the control group. Don’t say I’m his favorite, that’s silly.

The man I sat next to on the bus was absolutely drenched from the rain, so I offered him a dry corner of my bathrobe.

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

Adding a “Stepped On Crunchy Leaves” column to my habit tracker.

Some students say voting for class president is a joke, but they forget that the class president makes lifetime appointments to the class supreme court.

In “The Fugitive” (1993), the character of The One-Armed Man is played by an actor who has two arms in real life. That’s good acting.

Our country is headed in the wrong direction, and we need a mad scientist president who will attempt to modulate the vectors of plate tectonics.

The Scholastic E-Book Fair is today, which e-bookmarks and e-erasers should I get this year?

Sorry I got peanut butter on the Bayeux Tapestry yes I would like to continue the field trip

Sometimes you will overhear one side of a phone call and wonder why the person on the other end hasn’t hung up yet.

Darling, please stop using the supercomputer to perform “sentiment analysis” on my love letters.

They’re covering me with a tarp for the season. See you in the spring!

every instance of looney tunes violence is based on something real that the animators saw in the war

Posting more frequently or less frequently as needed to regulate my core body temperature.

using the extra hour to yearn

The house on the corner is handing out full-sized potatoes, not just fingerling potatoes like the other houses.

You don’t wear your glasses to bed? Aren’t your dreams blurry?

Signing a credit card receipt with a signet ring

Sleepwalking into a mattress store

Sorry to hear you’re having trouble sleeping. Is it because of all the terrible things that you need to be worried about?

When Rose shows up without me: “Hi, Rose!” When I show up without Rose: “Where’s Rose?”

9:30pm, wife says, “Let’s cook soup for tomorrow,” we get started. She chopped an onion then said, “I’m beat, need to go to bed, thanks for finishing up.” Did I just get bamboozled?

Bad gateway, bad!

if you have a slot for letters in your front door you technically live inside a mailbox

Inspiring: Two Years Ago He Left His High-Stress Corporate Job to Become a Full-Time Ominous Wail in the Forest

3M has developed a new retroreflective coating that sends 99% of ill wishes straight back toward your detractors.

I think I ruin all my posts by posting

life really is all about perspective instead of thinking “i’m stuck in a sewer drain 😢 ” say “i’m going to meet a fireman 😃 “

“Ill repute” implies the existence of…you know what? I’m not doing a format post. My repute is too important.

I have to come clean: I’m behind all the AI chatbots. I’m answering everyone’s prompts as quickly as I can, but it’s getting to the point where I can no longer keep up.

❄️ Seasonal reminder to spoonerize your idioms & bowdlerize your literature

Living my life as a warning to my past self.

This giant, beautiful blue orb in space is covered with a thin film of useless biological slime, but we’re not allowed to clean it because the slime is somehow “precious” and “unique in the universe.”

I don’t know why, but bluesky just lets me post all this stuff

I’ve finished cooking dinner, and I’m now using my Honeywell H316 Kitchen Computer to mark the status of the big pot as “dirty”

do people know they don't have to

My ligatures are all off today. I must have slept weird on my kerning.

Sour cream, you expired yesterday, and I may expire tomorrow, but today we have each other.

Much like real life, Bluesky is filled with strangers who wish me harm.