My go to trauma response is Gfy.

Did I tell you guys about the time I scarfed back a corn dog and washed it down with a Budweiser?

Buddy you can’t scare me. I’ve had a Twitter account for 16 years.

She fought the fascists and the fascists won.

America your president is a complete idiot.

Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/

the jokes are the resistance

This app is dumber than ordering chicken at a steak house.

Is there anything in America that isn’t completely stupid?

Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri https://theonion.com/health-department-shuts-down-guy-fieri/

I think the rich are winning the class war, you guys

*rolls over in bed onto a Wendy’s bag containing a half eaten Baconator This must be what supermodels feel like when they wake up.

Another beautiful sunset from the back deck. Hope all you idiots are having a lovely evening.

When you’re hedging your bets make sure to consult me first.

I think when you lose weight it transfers on to some skinny bitch from high school, who now looks like your mother.

I’m not in any way celebrating the death of Charlie Kirk, but a lot of the jokes about it are really funny

the good thing about living on a zombie island is eventually the brainless cannibals will eat themselves

Nothing much, just trying out this recipe for cottage cheese fries. I could be here a while.

Some people are so toxic that they remind you of a tampon from the 80s.

I love you too 🥰

Water has no effect on fake flowers.

Gonna change my name to Avery Logpile and see if I can find a job as a professional toilet clogger.

That feeling you get when someone nails an interpretative dance.

The Internet is the greatest repository of human stupidity in all of history.

I bet kids don’t even read cereal boxes anymore.

Remember when it’s hot, you lick it from the bottom up.

I hate myself, I’m gonna watch a Gwyneth Paltrow movie cuz it’s what I deserve.

You’re born and then you die and there’s a lot of sadness in between.

I need some relationship advice, I should probably ask PussySlayer69.

It’s been raining all day and I got your poetry right here.

Happy Mother’s Day I got you hash browns and toilet paper.

Maybe this Pope can get Catholic school girls to close their legs.

🇺🇸 🦅

Kiss me, I taste like discount salami.

sluts

Did Alfie ever figure out what’s it all about?

Why do they call it the Mediterranean diet when it’s just eating healthy and in moderation?

This is Gunner. He is a big strong dog who happens to not be able to sleep until he's tucked into bed with two pillows and his Eeyore stuffy. 13/10

Remember when ‘whatshisname’ tried that absence makes the heart grow fonder thing?

Maybe it’s a character flaw or maybe they’re just crazy.

It wouldn’t be Florida if people weren’t drunk driving at 9 am.

The best part about living by yourself is every.single.thing.

I started a free counseling service but it’s only for people who don’t need it.

I pick up on vibes. I’m a vibe picker upper.

All the butt joke people must have fallen into the cracks.

Did you know that speedos were invented to give European men a way to smuggle the family jewels out of China?

When I walk in a room and someone says “here comes trouble” that person gets me.

Bathing in Drakkar Noir to get ready for weekend sensuality.

I said my dog used to watch the The Masked Singer, not me.