We go together like mustard and sweatpants

that’s my secret, Daylight Savings, i’m always tired

four cheese, really? like fourmaggio wasn’t right there

The best I can wish for you is that one day, you are diagnosed with something that justifies your behaviour.

Bookshops smell of paper and magic, someone should bottle it.

That iconic photograph on the cover of London Calling, only it’s me trying to smash open a box of Wheat Thins

Probably time to shave the legs, right? *sigh*

My dentist told me the pure of heart don’t need to floss

"say no to drugs" bro no one is offering

One day at this very moment everything will now be something else very pizzazz entirely and I do not know what anything means so if this is it just define pizzazz

This day in history. 1982. Syzygy or the alignment of all nine planets with respect to the Sun. What are the odds that this could occur without a purposeful creator? 100 percent.

Haven't been able to relax since they said the moon relaxing was fake. How could a conspiracy theory land on me like that, all I did was watch the tides get off work

Polished off a $10 bottle of wine like money doesn’t matter.

The most drag queen of all serpents is the feather boa.

please sir, my hour, i have lost it and it was so dear to me

Oven clock, we meet again.

If you got a problem, yo, I'll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it

Is it too much to ask to lay in the forest and listen to sad music at nighttime

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Lauren Boebert is so dumb she thinks “cum laude” is noisy sex.

Nothing more frustrating than having to explain something simple to someone stupid.

I need to go to the Renaissance Festival. Walk around,see the carney acts, eat haggis, say things like forsooth and yay verily and kid myself I wouldn't be dead in 5 minutes if actually transported to that era.

me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest

Scooby and the gang never recorded orbs and EVPs and called it evidence of the paranormal. They battled the occult, petty demons, and the Harlem Globetrotters fo real yo!

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

Tariffs killed my Sea-Monkeys.

I knew I was musical from a young age when my version of “𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯, 𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦” was voted best in the 2nd grade class at Donaldson Elementary.

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

Right now, Kristi Noem is at home, depressed, eating ice cream, and watching the ending of “Old Yeller” over and over again to try to cheer herself up.

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I see the government took the square peg out of the round hole and now they’re going to try jamming a triangle in there.

Well, back to shooting puppies, I guess.

Bsky is like my house. If you don’t like the vibe you can get the fuck out

Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.

Sorry if you have a heart attack near me because I only know CCR and Proud Mary’s gonna be the last thing you hear

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

Just thinking about what we could do with a billion dollars a day that doesn’t include bombing people.

You don’t have to agree with me all the time to be my friend.. I don’t even agree with me all the time.

replying to deleted posts is time travel

overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

wow go to bed with a heating pad on your back one time one time and suddenly it's like a meth addiction

We pull up to the stoplight and the guy in the next car waves at my grandson. Grandson yells: MY MOM SAID YOU DRIVE LIKE A JACKASS! This red light is entirely too long.

Me, driving while listening to a meeting and forgetting to mute my phone: IT'S CALLED A BLINKER, NUMBNUTS!

Foolproof?!! Stand aside

One apple per day can keep a lot of people away if you aim really well

I am constantly having to look up who you are talking about and then having to scour my browsing history with bleach.