if you tell your parents that you don’t want to have kids and they look offended, it’s because they’re thinking “damn, why didn’t I think of that“

ugh, my dashboard is gas lighting me

I don't believe in arguments. I'm right, and they're just saying things.

*gets insulted* wow wait till I google what that means.

Reverse cowgirl, so we can keep an eye on the government.

*finds a dead body* Me: IS IT CAKE?

slowly rotating under the shower head like a human rotisserie chicken

*draws chalk outline around my credit score*

Columbia House agents have surrounded my house. I knew this day would come, but they’re not taking me alive.

Outer space is mostly feelings and that's why we tend to hide our footage and say the burrow owl has landed when anyone opens up in a newsreel voice

Kinda nervous about household smart devices. What if the bathroom scale tells the fridge to lock me out?

i only cook to make sure my smoke alarm works

This life is wack.

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Cho.

Siri, how much money am I going to spend on bills from now until 2037?

Weird how a hoax is a threat to national security.

imagine hating me and i’m just over here tracking your location on multiple devices

A smart mood ring that warns your friends and family

skoal pouches filled with shredded chocolate

men would rather be celebrated internationally for a whole day than go to therapy

A Bee Gees appreciation day, call it Thanksgibbing

Alright fam, I need y'all to pucker up and work your magic. I am trying to get a Vgen code. In order to do that, I need this post to get 100 likes and 20 RTs. Help this gooner out, pretty please, with sugar on top? 😁 .I want to get on VGen! #VGenCode

not being able to eat something called a zamboni just feels wrong

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

i think i could pull off an asshat

This too, shall suck.

Unpopular opinion: my opinions should be more popular

I don’t run very often but when I do it’s roughshod.

Narcan but for thoughts

If I spontaneously combust tonight, please know it was to avoid going to my job tomorrow and I died doing what I loved: not working.

Our dog gets a little wound up when she hears geese overhead so I hold her paw until they’re gone like we’re waiting together in an air raid shelter in WWII London

ok, i’m back, i think bluesky learned its lesson

After the apocalypse I'm going to loot so many gallons of paint. Enjoy your canned goods, I've got 3 varieties of eggshell white

full of pasta and ready to fuck

Every time I say “I’ll remember that,” it’s a lie.

I'm just over here radiating that regular dick energy.

You can slap your pickle on my roast beef sandwich if you wanna

sometimes music just fuckin hits, you know what I'm saying?

A key ring is a cool little thing that allows you to lose all your keys at once

shitposting is just a gambling addiction where the coins are notification badges

gotta respect Sticky Fingers for naming their product after the worst thing about their product

It's casual phenomena day at work so my hand passes right through the microwave to warm up the fish manually

Come see the new Ibex or Oryx or whatever, it's one of those two.

The weekends are starting to feel like a 30 minute unpaid lunch break

a charcuterie board of various grievances

if you're cold they're cold. let the cold hot singles in your area in.

There was actually a fifth mutant turtle called Van Gogh, but he found the idea of being trained by a giant ninja rat too eerie.

If you need cankles, I know a guy.

lining up the taco filing that fell out onto my plate with a piece of taco shell like its cocaine

BoyfrIend: "I got hit by a car today. Paula brought me to the hospital. They're doing X-rays. I have some broken ribs, a broken arm, a fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot." Me: "Who's Paula?"