Beef jerky edible underwear

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Tylenol gives you autism, Motrin gives you ADHD. These are the facts people.

Nobody smokes a L in the back of the Benz-E anymore. Must be the money.

Funniest thing I did today was cancelling my Hulu bundle after they announced bringing Kimmel back cuz fuck those assholes.

Well, I’ll be damned. -me arriving in Hell

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious

when you wanna rap along but you’re white

It was the best of times, it was the end of times

We treat high fevers in the ICU with Tylenol and we don't make patients "tough it out" because that can be dangerous. Hope this helps.

"I love you, you big beautiful stupid piece of shit." -me, to my dog

alt-text but for explaining jokes i’m too dumb to get

Flirting! In The Comments

taught my dog sarcasm and now she won't stop snarking at strangers

if you’re in line to get raptured, STAY IN LINE

SURVEY: We value your feedback! ME: Brother, you do not want this.

After decades of research, the answer to the leading cause of stupidity has been solved! It's a carbon-based lifeform that requires oxygen, water, food, and shelter to survive.

One of those lovely videos where a dementia patient sits at a piano and suddenly recalls how to play, but it's me at 87, and my family is tearing up when they put an old phone in my hand and I post "dick look like an elf after a Keebler industrial accident"

[looking at dinosaur skeletons at the museum] who even comes up with this stuff?

Of all the things my changing hormones have done to me this year, I think itchy armpits have to be the most maddening

There’s a guy at work we call The Computer. He’s not smart or anything, it’s that if we leave him alone for 10 minutes he goes into sleep mode.

welp guess not

"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" I yell as I bludgeon you to death with a baby

the cob exists only to slow the rate at which I am able to consume corn

What if your areola is trying to tell you something? Do you even know braille?

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

America is going to ban Tylenol before guns.

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

quick question does being raptured count as PTO or sick leave

I’m not expecting a rapture tomorrow. Maybe a rupture instead.

They'll fight Tylenol before gun control and poverty

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

In the time it took to calculate how many treadmills I would need to stack and slip on to hilariously shoot all the way into a wall on the moon I could have just stolen 250 million treadmills

I'm preemptively hating this week.

the flood in the bible is just a different pov of a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world

Whenever I hear that someone just died, all I can think is: Lucky bastard.

Me in my twenties: Crip Walk Me in my sixties: Crone Walk

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

“Do one thing every day that scares you” well I’m a woman

My daughter deciding that we’re going to bake our own bread has predictably led to no bread.

One of the funniest things to me will always be food packaging that says "Peel & Reseal". Buddy, you do not know who you're dealing with here.

Relieved to report no hostilities at the Cambodian-Armenian border at this time.

I got your rapture hangin right here. *re-racks nuts*

renaming my vagina Disney due to the long lines to get in for a boring old ride

Sorry, I can't come. The fog is pulling me into the woods, for it requires my mischievous spirit.

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then

Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Truth or dare? I: M: I:.. Dare M: I dare you to give me this job I:(under breath) Damn she's good

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.