Does anyone still say “Crime doesn’t pay”? Those sure were nice words.

The first verse goes along precisely with what you are doing, right on. The second verse begins to veer so you veer your life to keep living the song, okay. The chorus just isn't you, the jig is up, get a new car

I know more about English literature than you can shake a speare at

Scares me when I’m talking bout witches and the lights go out.

Because sometimes life is better with the windows down.

Walk right on out before the ending so it'll last forever. It's the same principle as just jumping when the elevator is falling to get crashed, you exist in the moments you've created even if your myth was busted

Counter mean replies by saying "Check your local listings asshole" while they're busy with that add them to a list entitled super funny lololol red herring broadcast goosechase

German Shepherds are firm believers in the mantra 'Stay ready don't have to get ready'

Social media is good because otherwise I am just walking around my house muttering this shit to myself

There’s nothing more chaotic than the way a butterfly flies. Somehow, it works. Embrace your chaos.

If you’re looking for someone who woke up with one eye crusted shut from allergies then I’m your girl

I performed some accidental brain surgery while cleaning my ears with Q-tips again.

This vacation is turning into a series of white lies to my wife about us needing to leave to the next thing 15 minutes before we actually need to leave.

“I don’t care,” I say, talking to myself about it for days

Stuck between a rock and a hard place is the definition of my sex life.

There’s a certain sense of accomplishment in finishing the yard in this heat and humidity so you can actually relax and enjoy the ambulance ride to the ER afterwards.

ADHD people being mentally and physically exhausted but still staying up because they didn't get enough "me time" after surviving the whole day.

I've never seen a slug's penis but I bet it looks like an even smaller slug.

If a flying saucer says something to get you to go inside so you go inside would you do it, this is how you forget that you did, by replying to make it all about you

customer service is really just the art of not strangling people

*strategically removes Far Side collections and replaces them with classic works of literature before taking selfie in front of bookcase*

phone screen phone screen in my hand who’s the best shitposter in all the land

Watching my neighbor’s life unravel in real time as her 5 year old has figured out that she can both open the door and reach the doorbell.

Look, all I'm saying is if some bitch wanted to prick my finger so I could sleep uninterrupted for a few years I wouldn't be all that mad about it

for the bluesky finale we’re all gonna wake up in bed with twitter and it will have all been just a dream

this recipe calls for a dry rub but surely a lil lube wont hurt

Plot twist: I stare at her when I go potty.

I can't do psychedelics dude sometimes I get freaked out by a font

I called them that as a joke, they're weird nasty little parodies. But a hundred years in this neighborhood looks like a century on me and nothing to them so maybe I'm the parody. Actual garbage pail kids

The love you love is a certain frequency, so is the music you love and the ideas of using them to speak to bouncing loves in outer space. It is all coming together, just to tell you to ask fate to play freebird

The natural expression on my face is that of someone holding door open for people still blocks away like inventing thanks fire

*takes my ball gag and goes home

This is my vape pen, this is my gummy. This is for lungs, and this is for tummy.

I am the king of: Oh my gosh this is fantastic! Can I get your recipe? me: I just threw it together and didn’t write anything down lmao

The biggest problem with making shepherd's pie is disposing of the skeleton...

You can’t call a blender a Ninja when it makes that much fucking noise.

Reading is a controlled hallucination with snack breaks allowed.

Changing your pfp and username is basically entering witness protection and expecting your mutuals to solve a cold case

The guy who named cockroaches was not fucking around

Please excuse me while I forage through the woods for some food.

so uhhh, is the elephant in the room with us rn

My dog, who has no job and no problems, is sighing like he has to go to work in the mines today.

Two dozen hard-boiled eggs and five pounds of broccoli later, EPA busted down my door.

2050: Robots have become vulnerable to viruses and also demand lengthy lubrication breaks. Employers have resorted to hiring humans to do their work.

Alexa play that sound that kills people

I just finished reading the Bible and it doesn't mention the USA once

Ask your doctor if being emotionally disconnected to everyone but the people in your phone is right for you

- In your resume it says that you’re willing to work all weekends and holidays? - My resume says a lot of shit.