sure Hulk smash, but does he cuddle afterwards

Living by Fort Campbell, seven says we’re so lucky because we get to see “copulators” all the time. Technically, she’s not wrong.

one day you’re young and carefree and the next your kids start asking you to leave them specific things when you die

You know things are going well at work when HR names a new conduct policy after you.

The only thing that would make this NFL weekend better is if somewhere Brett Favre is trying to pass a kidney stone

babybel implies the existence of scarybel, sportybel, gingerbel and poshbel

I don’t say much because honestly, there isn’t a whole lot to say.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

We played guns when I was a kid but the bad guys were ALWAYS Nazis and giant radioactive ants.

Brings a dog to a cat fight.

There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.

stone henge gonna look dope when it's done I bet

What’s for lunch, sugar tits?

if you want new ideas, read old books

feeling despondent not good for make joke to imaginary friend

Can't help feeling that if dick size was as obvious as boob size, there would be a hell of a lot less guys talking shit.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say "nice work, Einstein" without sounding sarcastic

is anyone else having problems with their jaws mine won’t unhinge the way it used to

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

Screenplay idea: 3 librarians adopt a hostile kangeroo that plays harmonica

You used your phone 1.2 hours less than last week, but still 34 hours more than should have been humanly possible.

I’ll never bow to peer pressure. Unless you guys want me to?

Getting greasy off my government lard allotment

Helped with my granddaughter’s first riding lesson. She’s fearless and her daddy made a mistake because he’s got a horse girl now.

There used to be whole stores, not kiosks, that sold weird art and watches and glasses and other objects with poor quality, brassy colored holograms printed on them. Also, stores that sold framed, Magic Eye illusion prints. Exclusively. The 90's, man.

Me: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" My cat: *chomping down* "you're not the boss of me"

More like mental hellth amirite lol

I have internet stranger’s pets in my phone as stickers and I’m always scared that I’ll use it and the person that owns the pet will see it and be like are u stalking me? And I’d be like no, but I think about your dog a lot and hope he’s ok. And then they’d be like let’s be friends and I’d say no.

haha yeah babe i’m so spontaneous [combusts]

a husband?

...says the zoo that was caught passing off a chonky spotted house cat as an exotic miniature snow leopard..

Types of Dads: bag craw doo trini feliz navi hi hungry i'm

do pirates have “talk like a land lubber day”

My doctor just said "whoa" when she checked my blood pressure if you're looking to get wowed.

Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.

the doctors at the emergency room said they’re going to have me arrested if i come in because of flamin’ hot cheetos again

if I ever catch some sort of terminal disease, I'm going full blown Dexter on some mf'rs

Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart. They say it's a blast from the past.

My life flashed before my eyes and it was like watching a movie that has a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes.

[reading casual discussions about the relative strengths of various armed agencies in hypothetical conflict] Cool, cool, cool

I love when old people don’t know certain terms. I work with an 80 year old lady who’s email address is MuffLover because she loves muffins

are there any goody one shoes

Thinking about becoming a victorian governess who sighs wistfully at the thought of the rakish scoundrel who was lost at sea

I remember my ex walking into court with me saying he was going to ask the judge how he was supposed to get ahead paying all this child support. We walked in and the judge said, “Debbie! How are the fish biting?” He didn’t ask his question.

America needs an archeologist with a whip

Tootin' in Tennessee 💨

Low-hanging fruit? Please don't talk about my boobs

Everyone get ready, we’re going for breakfast is an underrated joy inducing sentence.

Therapist: You're being really hard on yourself Me: I'm in it to win it