I am the king of: Oh my gosh this is fantastic! Can I get your recipe? me: I just threw it together and didn’t write anything down lmao

The biggest problem with making shepherd's pie is disposing of the skeleton...

You can’t call a blender a Ninja when it makes that much fucking noise.

Reading is a controlled hallucination with snack breaks allowed.

Changing your pfp and username is basically entering witness protection and expecting your mutuals to solve a cold case

The guy who named cockroaches was not fucking around

Please excuse me while I forage through the woods for some food.

so uhhh, is the elephant in the room with us rn

My dog, who has no job and no problems, is sighing like he has to go to work in the mines today.

Two dozen hard-boiled eggs and five pounds of broccoli later, EPA busted down my door.

2050: Robots have become vulnerable to viruses and also demand lengthy lubrication breaks. Employers have resorted to hiring humans to do their work.

Alexa play that sound that kills people

I just finished reading the Bible and it doesn't mention the USA once

Ask your doctor if being emotionally disconnected to everyone but the people in your phone is right for you

that elephant is really tying the room together

- In your resume it says that you’re willing to work all weekends and holidays? - My resume says a lot of shit.

Had that dream again, the one where I sneeze and Jesus is there but instead of saying "bless you" he just says "cover your mouth"

few things beat bong hits in the backyard on a beautiful day

Every time you say escape, my mind hears piña colada, so yes I speak Rupert Holmes

i will simply incant "do NOT corrupt me. make NO mistakes" before wielding the One Ring

Planning things for the weekend, like I'm not damn weak when the week ends

True crime? Oh, you mean like the news

If i said you have a beautiful body would you hold me in contempt, your honor?

person. woman. man. camera. thucydides trap.

please sir, my jams… they’ve been pumped up

gourmand: you have quite a sophisticated palate artist: you mean palette forklift operator: he means pallet ESL teacher: fuck me i quit

A guy we know pitched a story to a mag about former skateboarders going back to their old haunt in middle age. My BIL(52)went with him as part of the story. BIL is now back home with a broken ankle and the writer is home with a broken vertebrae. The only possible way the story could have gone.

flying under the radar is my superpower but it wasn’t enough to get me in the justice league

imagine hating me and i’m just over here trying to make strangers laugh for free bc the world sucks enough as it is

It's hard to shit post with *gestures wildly everywhere*

I’m just saying it could be a late life crisis, you don’t know.

No technological breakthrough will ever impress me as much as the time I watched my girlfriend microwave a hotdog in 30 seconds while Foreigner was playing

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, stairs have become your mortal enemy.

Nothing seems to piss off the grandkids more than me cooking something I used to eat as a kid.

If I was trapped in Jurassic Park, I'd simply feed myself to the dinosaurs to show I'm on their side.

I don’t listen to lyrics. I just figure everything‘s about fuckin

*spending two minutes trying to lick a piece of dried food off my knuckle* oh that’s a scab

Please, doctor help me! I have this rare condition where I can disagree with someone and not be an asshole about it.

WIFE: I swear these kids are working together to make this house as dirty as possible ME: *barely audible* organised grime HER: Get out!

I hope aliens are real because I'd like to try their milk.

been in this doctor's waiting room forever and man they better ask for a urine sample

You know you're getting old when you pull a muscle putting on your compression socks.

It’s all fun and games until you have to match compression socks with your little black dress.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to science fiction.

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

i used to joke that the 80’s were my drug days cuz of a near-fatal asthma attack i had in kindergarten, but i think once an elder millennial reaches a certain age it’s hard for people to tell if you’re joking or not

One day Mountain Dew will be sipped for the very last time. It will slip from our collective palate and tease us never more with its playful effervescence. The generations after will not have a name for the emptiness inside them, but they will feel it.

Saw an annoying post but I’m being so brave about it.

Playing just the tip with the gas pump