People will tell me I should keep my cat inside and I tell them, “you don’t know my cat, I don’t make decisions for him.”

Back in the ‘80’s when I protested against Ronnie, while holding a clearance, my boss would warn me that I was going to be put on a “list” - we laughed No one would laugh now 👀 I actually hope I’m on some frickin list

Went to a get together with people I’ve been friends wit since I was a teen and man that’s family.

Due to personal reasons. No

Well remember it for you wholesale

Party at 5

Algorithmic predictions of my thoughts in real time reality.

i think we should address the obesity epidemic with cocaine and cigarettes

"Now here's the important thing: We all start out searching for the person or persons who are not fucked up. But the catch is everybody's fucked up and they're all fucked up in their own peculiar way. And YOU cannot fix them. Your job is to decide if it's a type of fucked-upness you can live with."

the quick has left my wit behind

converting cheap whiskey into raw fuckin charisma

Don’t even talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my horse paste

My painting GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE

call me crazy, but i think forcing the adoption of tech that intentionally hollows out the human labor market and accelerates climate destruction in order to concentrate wealth is just mass-murder with extra steps

Convicted 34 times of financial felonies but sure give him a pass from tax audits.

I'm opening an overpriced gag gift store called LMFAO Schwarz.

My mom is demanding you take it back.

I'm a retired boomer. I cannot believe the state of our country. I cannot believe people are reduced to living in their cars, on the street, homeless. NOTHING is normal anymore. There is something fundamentally wrong, VERY wrong, with our country. I am so ashamed of what our country has become.

getting fully naked to eat ribs

My hips don't lie but they're very sarcastic.

I bet you wouldn't talk so tough if you knew you were talking to a man with a fear of penguins

As a child I saw kids catch white spotted carpenter bees with their bare hands, tie a string around them and fly them like kites. I’m flying tonight.

Chunky fuzzy bees are the best they fly around goofy style

I’m amazed at how many people’s tweets have stuck to me, expanded my vocabulary, live in my memory. TY

I'm not unsuccessful, I'm just pacing myself

[world without bees] TEACHER: okay class who knows the 25 letters of the alphaet

Organized crime/corruption is finalizing its takeover of America.

learning about sex the hard way (textbook instead of an LLM)

Holy shit! It’s the King!

1355.

I still take pills I find on the floor but only at home.

Adam Hoffman was facing life without parole for the continuous sexual abuse of a young boy. TX Attorney General Ken Paxton’s office took the case, sat on it for nearly three years and serve one day in jail. Trump *endorsed* this sex offender open.substack.com/pub/letsaddr...

just drove through a place called Athol, MA which made me belly laugh every time I saw a sign for it

I think a lot of our doomier politics are informed by having to sit idly by and watch a bunch of selfish shitheads reject the entire idea of society and loot the public coffers during and immediately after the COVID pandemic

I've always been an outsider, but I've never pressed my face against the glass hoping to be let in.

AHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I’ve run naked in the streets a few times but once I was running from cops carrying my shitty pants in a t shirt and chucks.

Quite the racket they have going with our tax dollars... ""For one warehouse in Surprise, Arizona, previously valued at just under $12 million, ICE paid over $70 million. For another in Social Circle, Georgia, valued at about $30 million, the agency paid nearly $130 million.""

Me: this mf’er I’m working for thinks he’s so smart but he’s making more work! Jeannie: oh honey, every man thinks he’s so smart

Jeannie: I’d like a bonfire party Me: I want to burn it all down

saw a hooded bean in my bedroom one night and yes that’s spelled correctly

I called them that as a joke, they're weird nasty little parodies. But a hundred years in this neighborhood looks like a century on me and nothing to them so maybe I'm the parody. Actual garbage pail kids

i just flew in from handjob island and boy are my arms tired

Did you attack a capitol police officer? Did you try to overthrow the government? You may be entitled to reparations!

I really resent the pressure we're all under to maintain a life of normalcy and acceptance when accountability is completely non-existent.

Dying penniless and insane sounded a lot funnier ten years ago.

“When any government. . . undertakes to say to its subjects, “This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know,” the end result is tyranny and oppression, no matter how holy the motives.” — Robert A. Heinlein

Sometimes is all times both times, good and bad

Razorbills have the slickest design in the animal kingdom. They look like they were made by Yves Saint Laurent