And now the award for the fan who has watched every minute of every game of the World Cup: the Golden Butt.

Do you have an "interesting" look? You could be in a Madonna video!

Alexi Lalas and Andrew Cuomo are the same person.

The game is a tie after regulation. Now it becomes a hot dog-eating contest.

Normal time has ended.

Mentally I have already scored the winning goal.

Does Billy Bob Thornton wear the same toupee in both the T-Mobile commercials and the Michelob Ultra commercials? Or does Billy Bob have both a T-Mobile toupee and a Michelob Ultra toupee?

Michael Buffer AND Bruce Buffer! Oreos and Hydrox.

Arhentina. - Tom Cruise saying "Argentina." Auténtico.

You've got to know when to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em Know when to walk away And know when to run - "The Ballad of the Strip Mall Plastic Surgeon"

I will sell granola bars--good, honest granola bars--called "Food for the Journey."

Muhammad Ali is to rope a dope as JD Vance is to croak a pope.

Dad! Quiet! You know just enough Spanish to get us arrested.

- They come in a discreet pouch. Nine letters. - Testicles. - Thank you, dear.

Why's the secretary of war got to get up in everybody's junk like that?

More than Chester A. Arthur. More than Theodore Roosevelt. Pete Buttigieg will be the most high T president in American history.

I just realized I've come to the part of the report where I can just make things up.

Pete Hegseth has two T's. Donald Trump has only one T. Mike Johnson had no T's at all. Pete Buttigieg has three T's.

OK. Here's the dream team. AOC. Greta Thunberg. Simone Biles. The Linda Lindas. And the girl who dressed up as a hot dog on princess day.

Mao Zedong hé Mao Zedoats hé xiǎo xiǎo Mao Zedivy

Am I BLEEDING to death? Oh my God I'm fucking BLEEDING to death! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'M FUCKING BLEEDING TO DEATH! - from an ABC After School Special about a girl who gets her first period

Bindlestiff. Its scientific name is hobo Viagra.

At one time the words "dead bear with a bicycle in Central Park" would have made no sense.

My flip-flops never fall off. I know when to scrunch up my toes.

A lot of these posts are tryouts for an infomercial.

Is Joe Rogan a dumbass? Yes. Is Joe Rogan a douchebag? No. That is my judgment.

Her name is Nuzzi, for Christ's sake! I'm telling you SHE'S NUTS! Jesus fuck, Cheryl. - RFK Jr.

Her name is Nuzzi, for Christ's sake! I'm telling you SHE'S NUTS! Jesus fuck, Cheryl. - RFK Jr.

I haven't heard anything about it on the Rajneeshee Rumor Hotline. Maybe it didn't happen.

You've got to know when to scrunch up your toes if you don't want your flip-flops to fall off.

The Trump ballroom--can it be a roller rink, too? No? Then just blow it up.

"Inside Edition" isn't the same without Lisa Guerrero on splooge patrol.

You can always learn new stuff. Amazing but true.

You can barely bump anyone in the bumper cars. That's why I bring a baseball bat.

Corey Lewandowski has been in and out of South Dakota.

I remembered what I was going to get after I came back from not getting it.

I like your fresh, fuck-you attitude. Young lady, you're hired!

- Stewardess, when will we be deplaning? - This isn't a plane, sir. It's a wooden horse. We'll be disemboweling in Troy in a few minutes. #TheOdyssey

Donald Trump is our most cognitive president. Pete Hegseth is our most testicular secretary of war.

Mitch McConnell is a role model for the whole zombie community.

Oreos, serving size one package. Macaroons, serving size one package. Chocolate graham crackers, serving size one package.

I guess Stephen Colbert's a hobo now.

Starving, hysterical, ticklish

On a scale of Herman Cain to Mitch McConnell, how dead is he?

In the Dutch army they check soldiers for "low gay." Not everyone is gay enough for military service there.

- You wanted to see me, sir. - Yes, private. It seems you have low T. - Is there any way you could help me with that, sir? - Yes, there is, private. Yes, there is. [BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW]

If Ken was desexed before he met Barbie, that would make her forgiving. If Ken was desexed after he met Barbie, that would make her vengeful.

Sometimes you cheat Death. Sometimes Death cheats you. That's how I look at the whole McConnell thing.

Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. This is the truthiest thing I know.

Mitch McConnell WOULD NOT STAY DEAD. That old crow is HARDCORE!