Peace Corps? I thought you said the Pizza Corps. No, I don't want any.

I'm going estate shopping for not- prince Andrew. So far I've narrowed it down to Belmarsh, Frankland, Full Sutton, Cardiff, Stoke Heath, Brixton, Pentonville, Stafford, Shepton Mallet, Holloway, Wandsworth, or Wormwood Scrubs.

Donald Trump is our rapiest president.

All my cats should be famous.

If you can go to bed drunk and wake up sober, why can't you go to bed guilty and wake up forgiven?

The word of the day is . . .

Trump is the only president whose death will be reported with an exclamation point - TRUMP DEAD!

Gold is the highest. Gold is the best. If Donald Trump is surrounded by gold, it means he is not a poopy pants.

You can't have a gun without a note from your mother. If your mother's dead, tough titty.

The word of the day is . . .

There is no safe amount of egg nog.

- I'm, like, hella smart. - I believe you. You sound hella smart.

The word of the day is . . .

- I think I'll go into the arts. - Anything in particular? - I don't know. Something rich people will pay for.

Jennifer Lawrence has sex. Jennifer Lawrence dances drunk. Jennifer Lawrence has a mystical encounter with a horse. Jennifer Lawrence says "fuck yeah." This Jennifer Lawrence movie has it all.

Ninety percent of the people in Oregon are just lost.

Tuxedos come in three sizes - large, small, and chimp. If you order a small and it hangs loose, you probably should move down to chimp.

Life is mostly doing the same things in different places.

If the Beatles had been from Paris, we'd all be speaking French now.

Outside shoes, inside shoes. We're Japanese now.

Bugs, Heat, and Loose Women - the official motto of Texas

American flag board shorts. Whiter than white.

If I had a class of first graders, I would turn them into an AC/DC cover band.

Agenda 1. Golf 2. Enshittify the White House

I like the little hat, I like the little belt, I like the little Geschwaderstock he carries like a lovie, and I LOVE the color. The other people hanging around ruin the picture a little bit, though.

The word of the day is . . .

The difference between Laika and a lab animal is the publicness of the cruelty.

This is MY Jewish space laser.

Laika, Cricket, Peanut, Harambe.

They have a space laser. You might want to be nice to them.

The difference between the movies and Fox News is that in the movies Nazis are usually portrayed in an unfavorable light.

No more beardos. No more dudes in dresses. - Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth

If I say "Nazi trillionaire," everybody knows who I'm talking about.

Rami Malek looks like Michael Shannon's ventriloquist's dummy. They really shouldn't be in the same movie together.

The fat guy is Russell Crowe!

Whenever Rami Malek first appears in a movie, I am compelled to spend the next ten minutes working out Rami Malek anagrams. I'm a malerk.

1. Fortune cookies 2. Huggy Bear 3. Old copies of Collier's 4. The Rajneeshee Rumor Hotline

All the boys in old yearbooks look like serial killers, and all the girls look like their victims.

The word of the day is . . .

It's an A.I. smoothie. It's got a million different ingredients and nobody know where any of them came from. Bottoms up!

A ladybug looks like a crawly bug but it's really a flying bug.

Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to get herpes in mine.

They lured me out with food.

No forties or machetes. You're good. - ticket taker after checking my bag. Everybody's a comedian.

At last a candidate who's not afraid to tell you where he stands, or where he will sit once elected to the bench.

Feeble old man. - MTG whispering in the ear of DJT

Jackalopes cannot reproduce sexually. They must RECRUIT.

The word of the day is . . .

The Oval Office corrupted (6, 2, 5)

You could be eaten by a dog. You could be melted in a microwave. You could be exploded by a firecracker. If you were a G.I. Joe, you had it rough.