i would like to nominate all of dadtok for the forthcoming patriot games

my kids like to play this fun game where we go out to a store on a weekend and they act like i abducted them from the wolves that were raising them and this is their first day being near humans. their crimes are completely new to history and yet still a clear violation of the geneva conventions

an irish horror film but it’s just the two hours that the sun comes out this month and burns everyone’s delicate, soaking wet skin

i find snow white confusing bc there’s no way you can convince me to just eat an apple randomly. unless you tell me it’s poisoned and then i am in

personally i enjoy that humans created artificial intelligence and then immediately gave it anxiety and depression

her: you better not be a giant fish pizza oven when i get there me:

i have eaten the homophobic chicken that you left on the counter which you were probably saving for munchies later forgive me i had extra honey mustard and no restraint

if i had a nickel for every time we started doing unconstitutional war crimes in the middle east with a clown for president i’d have ,,,, wow that’s actually quite a few nickels ngl

started at the bottom and somehow made way more bottom to be at

sorry i am fresh out of progress, gonna try regressing this year

dear diary, it’s day 2 of the blizzard. i can only open one door of my house. my youngest child has resorted to making balloons from ziplock bags. my older child is in the bathtub with a snorkel. the colour of green grass is but a mere memory

just fyi i am at capacity for caring about monkeys. thanks in advance

people in their 30s when i was a kid seemed so much more adult than i do in my 30s and i have realised it was probably because of all the being able to comfortably afford life on one income

happy birthday prince bitch, we all chipped in and got you some consequences for your actions

i do not have a drug problem, i have a drug solution. everything in my life other than drugs is the problem

missing the good old days when eggs were two dollars and we could successfully impeach a president for sexual misconduct

sure life sucks but at least we have pancake tuesday

was about to text an ex gf when a stern voice near me said “stop! you’re making a very poor choice right now!” i put down my phone in awe of a stranger trying to save me from ruining my life, but then i realised it was a mum yelling at her kid who was running thru a parking lot with his eyes closed

𝐓𝐨: @itsnashflynn.bsky.social

microdosing being healthy and having a social life by re-downloading the sims

pam bondi is the anti-elle woods. i am taking questions on this

hey france if you’re not busy could we borrow one of your sharp family heirlooms

is it attention seeking or a power move if i pass out at a children’s hospital? asking for an enemy, which is me obviously

i was just getting my parking validated and the woman was like “great news, because you have a handicap placard you get $5 off your parking today!” and unfortunately it really was great news because parking in boston is one thousand dollars

i’m gonna let you guys diagnose me instead, wrong answers only

i have fainted four times in two weeks and i am so grateful for this ER doctor who asked me when my last period was, demonstrated the sound of a normal, regular heart beat near my bedside, asked if i had anxiety, and then sent me home to continue fainting all over my house i guess

just watched a person refer to low rise jeans of the 2000s as “historically accurate” so i don’t know if you guys are busy this weekend but i am hosting my funeral

i don’t think i can forgive 2026 for taking catherine ohara but maybe taking mitch mcconnell would be a good start

well well well looks like a groundhog wants to get his ass beat

of course elon is in the epstein files, but my overall mood was improved by discovering that he’s a loser in those too

i’m still not recovered from robin williams and now the world has taken catherine o’hara from me

dear diary, it is january 147th and my patience grows thin

greg bovino really came out of nowhere just to get fired, which is amazing considering he dresses the most nazi out of all of them

extremely confused about the ongoing issue in minnesota. kristy just said they are responsible for getting child rapists off the streets but ICE is still there i think?

2 snow days in, i’ve developed a new tactic which is to let my kids do whatever they want outside of my line of vision. after a few hours i say “am i going to be mad if i go in there” and when they say nothing i say “you’ve got 20 mins to destroy the evidence” my house has never been this clean

no more scarves, no more sunglasses, no more anonymity. if you are on that side, if you believe that your fellow humans deserve to be shot in the street, if you can see the evidence with your own eyes and still accept the narrative, say that shit with your whole chest so we know who you are

There’s a rally going on in Boston rn and they’re chanting “we’re not cold, we’re not afraid, MN taught us to be brave!” and I might cry

Nuremberg trials for ICE is the moderate position

one easy way to get around annoying visiting hours when you’ve got a friend in the hospital is to pass out while you are visiting them and then get put into the adjacent hospital room. follow me for more life hacks

an idea: we temporarily move greenland several feet to the right. then when the us government shows up they get lost in the artic or eaten by whatever is chilling in the permafrost

unfortunately “europe used to call me daddy” is the funniest fucking sentence ever

you’re telling me there is literally no single person in the country willing to have their foot in the wrong place right above a stairwell, or a balcony, or a cliff? we won’t be mad bro please

one day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re saying things like “i need reading glasses to see my stupid fuckin phone now i guess jesus christ”

i upped my anxiety and depression meds and was doing great and then i opened the news and now i am emailing my doctor again

“your total if 134.96” the trader joes employee tells me. “ah, but do i?” i ask slyly, opening my wallet. i slide over an uno reverse card

weighing in on the “whimsical” bog discourse just to say i actually think being swallowed whole by a bog sounds a lot more whimsical than anything else happening in the states rn

i wish ICE a very merry nuremberg trials and a happy venereal disease that rots off the entire reproductive system

(approaching my box of q tips quietly so as not to startle them) if not for ear, why ear shaped

i’ve been doing therapy for a lot of years now and i’m not really getting better but i am very much ruining her sanity and that feels clinically important

admittedly i am surprised to discover we can still kidnap presidents in this day and age but now that we all know that it’s possible could maybe someone else do the US a solid