no more scarves, no more sunglasses, no more anonymity. if you are on that side, if you believe that your fellow humans deserve to be shot in the street, if you can see the evidence with your own eyes and still accept the narrative, say that shit with your whole chest so we know who you are

There’s a rally going on in Boston rn and they’re chanting “we’re not cold, we’re not afraid, MN taught us to be brave!” and I might cry

Nuremberg trials for ICE is the moderate position

one easy way to get around annoying visiting hours when you’ve got a friend in the hospital is to pass out while you are visiting them and then get put into the adjacent hospital room. follow me for more life hacks

an idea: we temporarily move greenland several feet to the right. then when the us government shows up they get lost in the artic or eaten by whatever is chilling in the permafrost

unfortunately “europe used to call me daddy” is the funniest fucking sentence ever

you’re telling me there is literally no single person in the country willing to have their foot in the wrong place right above a stairwell, or a balcony, or a cliff? we won’t be mad bro please

one day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re saying things like “i need reading glasses to see my stupid fuckin phone now i guess jesus christ”

i upped my anxiety and depression meds and was doing great and then i opened the news and now i am emailing my doctor again

“your total if 134.96” the trader joes employee tells me. “ah, but do i?” i ask slyly, opening my wallet. i slide over an uno reverse card

weighing in on the “whimsical” bog discourse just to say i actually think being swallowed whole by a bog sounds a lot more whimsical than anything else happening in the states rn

i wish ICE a very merry nuremberg trials and a happy venereal disease that rots off the entire reproductive system

(approaching my box of q tips quietly so as not to startle them) if not for ear, why ear shaped

i’ve been doing therapy for a lot of years now and i’m not really getting better but i am very much ruining her sanity and that feels clinically important

admittedly i am surprised to discover we can still kidnap presidents in this day and age but now that we all know that it’s possible could maybe someone else do the US a solid

well well well if it isn’t the consequences of his illegal actions not showing up to work a single day in the last year

ah yes look it’s another horrifying menopause fact that no one talks about that i have discovered completely by accident and has ruined my entire existence

i think this year we should maybe take a break from exploring the ocean, and space, and any historical sites, particularly those with famous curses. let’s enjoy what we know already for a while. just in case

cinderella had an entire animal army at her disposal and not once did she train any of them to use their domestic skills for murder. unbelievable

“we made it another year” no *you* made it another year, i am still processing 2019

crazy that the only person that had a good 2025 was erika kirk

Tiocfaidh ár lá.

someday maybe we can get a unified new hampshire too 🫶

i love traveling with my kids bc it’s important to show them that while all cultures are different and important, we are all humans too. i was feeling real superior on that point until my son met another boy his age who only speaks french and they are now just screaming 6-7 at each other

do you think the christmas ghosts are up for haunting about other stuff too? like maybe i could send them to my coworkers so they can learn the magic of what actually needs to be a meeting

i guess trump didn’t make it to the end of the hunger games books where they overthrow the government

a pressure washer but for your brain. please

every year around this time i am especially thankful i am not a heartless rich man because i simply refuse to be awoken in the middle of the night to learn lessons, ghosts or not

just gonna say it: we tried strange women lying in ponds distributing swords 1500 years ago ONE TIME and i just think perhaps we could give it another shot

no one: my girlfriend, who is a rabbi, having sat in deep thought for 20 mins: whales just feel jewish to me

look i am all for three ghosts visiting rich businessmen on christmas eve and scaring them into sharing their millions but could they also maybe just teach them not to be landlords

pretty accurate that frosty comes to life as a man and one of the first things he says is that he’s a nice guy

the cool thing about about dickens is that not only did he write the primary text about society needing to force rich people to have empathy via any method possible, but he also did it while writing a book so needlessly lengthy bc he was paid by the word, therefore also defeating capitalism

one thing we don’t talk about enough is how the smarter you are, the dumber you are

hello it’s me your least fav americanist historian here to remind you again that this holiday is based off a lie. the wampanoags were not invited to thanksgiving. they did show up but only bc the colonists were drunk and firing their guns on the beach & the wampanoags thought they were under attack

i forgot to knock on the bathroom door this morning and accidentally walked in on the roomba doing his thing

this. this is the reason why we Post

idk about the reporters in that room but if any person said the words “quiet piggy” in my presence that would be the last few seconds he knew peace

love this time of year where stores distill gender options down to “assigned perfume and diamonds at birth” or “assigned whiskey and multipurpose knives at birth” for gift giving purposes

i am tired of being gaslit by medical offices, you have never once changed the options of the phone menu. sick of your lies actually

girlfriend has entered the luteal phase

those who never learn from history are doomed to repeat it, i say, hearing details about bill clinton getting a blow job for the second time in my life

deeply curious about the pitch for this mug

one of the weirdest culturally acceptable forms of misogyny is blaming a grown man’s mother for his adult bad behaviour. baby that right there is a full grown person, and if he’s being a crappy partner that’s entirely on him

not the dems releasing the epstein files a little bit at a time so we can all repeatedly microdose our fantasy of what it might be like if someone held trump accountable for a day of media coverage

sometimes having access to an entire world’s news is fun. like now, when australia announced it had discovered a new and terrifying bee species with devil horns at the same time that sweden invented a new kind of ice to melt roads that is also safe for birds to eat

this meeting could have been me hitting you with my car

i had surgery a few months ago to remove a bunch of tissue from my tits. i am fine, except that today i randomly discovered that when they do this surgery they keep your nipples partially attached but rotate them as to sew them back on and this is how i found out my nipples are upside down now

i was walking into the grocery earlier and the woman working at the door was like “be careful! don’t trip on the vacuum” and i was like okay, sure thing 👌. so then i looked directly at the vacuum. and ☝️tripped on it