girlfriend has entered the luteal phase

those who never learn from history are doomed to repeat it, i say, hearing details about bill clinton getting a blow job for the second time in my life

deeply curious about the pitch for this mug

one of the weirdest culturally acceptable forms of misogyny is blaming a grown man’s mother for his adult bad behaviour. baby that right there is a full grown person, and if he’s being a crappy partner that’s entirely on him

not the dems releasing the epstein files a little bit at a time so we can all repeatedly microdose our fantasy of what it might be like if someone held trump accountable for a day of media coverage

sometimes having access to an entire world’s news is fun. like now, when australia announced it had discovered a new and terrifying bee species with devil horns at the same time that sweden invented a new kind of ice to melt roads that is also safe for birds to eat

this meeting could have been me hitting you with my car

i had surgery a few months ago to remove a bunch of tissue from my tits. i am fine, except that today i randomly discovered that when they do this surgery they keep your nipples partially attached but rotate them as to sew them back on and this is how i found out my nipples are upside down now

i was walking into the grocery earlier and the woman working at the door was like “be careful! don’t trip on the vacuum” and i was like okay, sure thing 👌. so then i looked directly at the vacuum. and ☝️tripped on it

i cannot trust the person i become when the holiday gift sets come out

me: okay time to be productive brain: okay :) me: wait. where are we going brain: bed :)

the joy this has given me will propel me to be even more of a problem next season

admittedly i am not super good at maths but the number of find outs i am experiencing does not seem to correlate to my number of fuck arounds

a quick temperature check for my fellow parents currently living in the states: are we just all having a never-ending panic attack or just me

absolutely so proud of you, ireland. great job team

every single autumn i think i have finally outgrown my apple allergy and every single autumn for the last 38 years i have been incorrect

my therapist works from home and is training her cat with those talking buttons and i just have to say it’s really hard having my weekly mental breakdowns when her cat slams the “TREAT” button every five minutes. it’s really not a treat to feel this way, mittens, but thanks

look, i love catherine connolly. would die for her, actually. but she’s doing way too many sports outdoors for me to find her relatable

in the jewish calendar it is not the year 2025, it’s the year 5786 and they are so real for that, i too feel like i’ve been alive for 5,786 years

watching a lot of glass blowing reels lately and i’ll just say it: i’d eat molten glass. learning that about myself has not been great for morale

my girlfriend says she’s fine but then she went to get a haircut and came home with bangs

me watching the pentagon reporter walkout: wow finally the media is getting it me two days later watching the same media condemn hamas for attacking israel and violating the ceasefire after israel violated it twenty times before: ah, beans

happy no k*ngs day to everyone including the guy who screamed “go the fuck home” at my kids who are 8 and 10. i hope someday you are interventioned into therapy so you can stop being scared by children holding signs

oh, to be a rich woman during the fall of democracy whose only wish is for removable pubic hair

helping my grandmother get situated in a care facility and let me tell you when i get old someone please just release my arse in a graveyard and let nature sort it out, i am too poor for any other option

you know things are bad when the ladies on the view are spending their whole showtime calling the government fascist

my cat weighs 4 and a half pounds and has killed two chipmunks this morning and i wonder how much it pisses her off when i yeet her into my arms to tell her she’s a small precious baby

love it when a domesticated pet has a big personality, you growl at those pumpkin donuts mr chungus you silly lil guy

i know we said this is taylor’s most hetero album yet but there’s something to be said about getting turned on by a girl bullying you. welcome to the club babe 🌈

i wish you could temporarily turn off your ability to read. i am too tired to be literate

truly no comedy higher than listening to a someone gentle parent their kid with a thick boston accent

admittedly i’ve not listened to the entire thing but i’m getting the feeling taylor swift heard the gaylor rumours and decided to write 12 songs about how much she loves travis’s dick

absolutely gutted to discover machán magan died yesterday. 32 words for field is one of my favourite books ever; what a loss for the irish language history. RIP agus grma 💔

it’s not quite october 3 but it is october 2. and you know what that means: we’re baaaaack open.spotify.com/episode/5Bsc...

this meeting could have been an email? lame, boring. this meeting could have been a duel to the death

my mother recently purchased these little nightmares who look like they plan to scare me for funsies but joke’s on them, i cannot be haunted. i am mentally ill

it feels like there’s too much history happening. why is history trying to ruin studying history rn

as a chronically ill person who has been taking pain meds for two decades i’d be surprised if tylenol was capable of doing anything as notable as giving people autism

as an autistic person i think it’s kind of fun that my mere existence haunts rfk jr

p crazy that tylenol invented time travel just to give pregnant women autism

hi i’ve just sat down at a restaurant and just realised the music playing on the speaker is the rains of castamere so bye i guess

an idea: now that science has been defunded and scientists need things to do, let them make jurassic park. and then we weaponise the dinosaurs to get cancer research back

my introvert dog was forced to socialise with one (1) other dog for an afternoon

speech isn’t free if it’s being monitored by private companies and prosecuted - even the right knows that. it isn’t about safety, it’s about stopping us from collaborating and helping each other. be safe out there. protect your communities. and remember that this will someday be our shared history

be the demon that you wish lived in your head instead of the one that does

currently rebuilding the front deck of my house but forgot to update the notes for my grocery delivery, which always says “leave on front porch.” today i got a call from an extremely worried 17 year old who said “i hope you already know this, but you have no front porch?”

treating myself to a nice american shopping spree (i am picking all my prescriptions at the pharmacy)

ireland looking at the rest of the world and quietly forcing their useless and unqualified famous guy out of the presidential race

was doing one of those ‘let autocorrect finish this sentence’ thingys and the prompt started “i’m just a guy” and my phone finished it with “trying his best to get hit by a car”. so yeah that’s how things are going