Ooh I do hope he'll be doing the speech from Love Actually. BBC News - www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx...

Bought two "ready to eat" avocados last week. Well that was a GOD DAMNED lie

Look at me, liking your post and not feeling the need to comment. Growth.

When are Dem leaders going to publicly apologise to the world for the state of the USA today, and clearly promise to fully revert all this bullshit as soon as possible?

Deeply suspicious that none of my thousand blue-wave follower bots has liked my erotic potato photography

Ever dance with a duvet in the pale moonlight? It's new sheets day, I am building up to it.

If only he'd renamed Twitter to "HellHole", things would be a lot clearer.

The anemone of my anemone is my franemone

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to hell. It isn't even AI slop, which makes it even worse. I blame the Norwegians.

By now, asteroid 2026 Dreadstone has impacted the Indian Ocean, sparking a firestorm not seen on this planet since the K–Pg Extinction Event. Most people just want to be with their families. Here are three ways effective business leaders can leverage targeted KPIs to turn tragedy 😔 into triumph 💪

Me, buying the 1924 Olympic Gold Medal for Men's 4x100 Metre Relay Race that was recently up for auction: "Look everyone, *I* won an Olympic Gold Medal. It was ME! I won the 1924 relay race!"

"We've all got to find out who did this"

This man is a five-year old

Renee Good was murdered in front of the world and nothing is going to be done about it.

REFORM: You've seen what a shithole America's turned into. Vote for these refried Tories and let's have some of that.

Fuckkkkkkkkk, fuck, FUCK Bill Ackman.

Phew, I misread an article and I thought that Scott Adams was going to be a dad

They could have just read this headline and saved a load of time.

Figured it out! Simcoe from Turn sounds exactly like Brian Badonde. youtu.be/VJenbaL8SM0?...

That fucker just murdered someone in the street.

Are you creating worldwide panic by upending the global order established by the end of WW2 to A. Own the libs, or B. Make a shitload of money during the crisis while people are distracted They'll say it's A because it's B

PETITION to make the "no tumble dry" symbol absolutely massive on the clothes tag. Then PETITION to make it illegal to make "no tumble dry" clothes.

It's Grosse-ground Pointe-hog Blank Day

What's this? The powerful lawless guys you voted for, who said "there is no law, only power', are ignoring the law and exercising their power?

It was too ad-hoc to tell Congress about it, a trigger decision, and took months of meticulous planning by various branches of the military, and you can't let Congress know about this stuff anyway because they leak don't they.

Literally just talking about oil first. Not even hiding it.

When government departments are directed by Michael Bay

I can't believe this behavior from the Department of War tbh

Operation Enduring Toddler Tantrum

Behold my sinful potato

Me, pause? Me no pause.

It's one of the things that makes America cute, like having a homicide rate four times larger than anywhere else, or having a King.

Reply guy (confident) : hahaha

Welcome to the UK, all we have is memberberries

Cancelling Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This week I'm basically a barely sentient sofa-bound Brita filter converting brandy cream into pee

I might have liked the band Thompson Twins if they hadn't been called Thompson Twins.

2 stars out of 5 doesn't deserve to be 40%.

Hi, I'm Ziya Yusuf and I need YOU to agree that the Tories were a bunch of terrible bastards, vote for Reform instead, and not notice that Reform is full of terrible bastard Tories like Jonathan Gullis, Nadine Dorries and Lee Anderson.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals

I hate being right

Could it be that the guy who seems only interested in himself is actually only interested in himself?

Half man half brisket

Every man must die but some men are taking too long

How strong is my fight? Funky strong. Here, let me show you.

Why can't brewdog just fuck off and die. A company of cunts. Don't buy me any brewdog products is what I'm saying.

After you die they let you know if you were shadowbanned the whole time

Well I just found out that Gavin Newsom used to be married to Kimberly Guilfoyle, and eurgh

Going on a classic British holiday