Insecurity is like: do you like me, do you think I’m pretty? Low self worth is like: you think I’m pretty? There must be something wrong with you if you like me. Low self esteem is like: you think I’m pretty? I don’t see it.

In my little towel, dripping bath water on everything like someone else is gonna clean up the mess.

Nobody’s talking about cranberry sauce anymore. I see how it is. Cool cool

Along the walking path today.

Futility, thy name is "I'll have to get back to you on that."

I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.

I did my time at public schools and a state uni but it was a trombone player who taught me the most important lesson of all: your falsetto– use it or lose it

It's one of those "stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors. Beware the moon" kind of evenings .

girl dinner (5 slim jims and a chocolate pudding cup)

Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.

But do you love me enough to stop whatever you're doing to look up at the sky with me and say "wow"?

sometimes you just need to take a little walk

"Now Is Not A Good Time: A Memoir"

Don't blow smoke up my ass on a Monday and call it a Tuesday.

I’m watching YouTube videos on how to skip to your lou.

Pro tip: Get you a good headlamp and you don't even *need* to save daylight.

Emotionally preparing to sort through this bag of clothes I haven't touched in 5 years

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

Too much strawberry milk for breakfast, gonna hurl into the hoodie of the kid sitting in front of me

Braiding the coil of light extending from from my solar plexus into my beard

Inadvertently set the thermometer 1hr ahead yesterday and now I’m wearing a Speedo reading an Updike novel on the beach

I can do a pretty good impression of a lawn sprinkler. I share too much

I was greeted by the lovely cadence of a song sparrow this morning. Such an uplifting, hopeful sound. One time I saw one savagely rent a dragonfly into a hundred pieces.

The last windbreaker I got was with Marlboro miles.

7 hours fly too much fly

ya im struggling but like in a fun cool way that makes you want to love and support me

we say lights are blinking when theyre not in a pair should it not be winking?

Had a jarring wake-up call today (stepped on the scale after vacation)

Saturn without its rings asking everything what it really thinks about Saturn and you still pretend to laugh at all my witty gazes in the planetarium

Tom Perkinson

it took 11 years, but i turned this old broken guitar into a clock hanging on my wall

I make adjusting to daylight savings easy by getting absolutely shitfaced.

Today's haul looks like a recipe for a Dateline episode

My grandma just now body checked me when I went to check on the muffins.

A half pipe drenched in cold syrup wouldn't be enough to quench the heat of my shoes. They're primitive, and ready to dominate this history like toupee on apple fritters

Nice to be back on the deck today

every sunday night is the eve before an unknown week's battle

God I love daylight savings. Excited for my entire life to be fucked for the next 3 weeks while my body adjusts to the change. Thankful, blessed, etc

The pathologist will never guess that the blunt instrument which knocked me out was a big glob of breaded fried mozzarella rolled in potato cubes and dipped in mango habañero hot sauce. I’m dead now. Happy, but dead. Remember me fondly.

Mom’s dishes, gifted to her second granddaughter on her first apartment #corellegreendaisy

Haven’t stopped making rolls since I figured out how to do them in the air fryer

Having a lively, fast paced conversation with my sister is the best because if we randomly forget a word or two the other usually knows what we're talking about anyway.

What the hell time is it even anyway

nothing could have prepared me for the mustache making a comeback

One time when I won a writing contest my daughter said, “Look at you Anne of Green Gables” and it remains my favorite compliment ever.