Drink an extra glass of water and put yourself in the mindset of having the best Monday you can imagine

Mini piecakin = Coconut cake crust with pumpkin pie custard.

Mom asked what we plan to do when we retire and I fumbled a little and said I didn’t know. We plan to take care of our parents, mom.

Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting...*record scratch*

In a few weeks my project will be over, my little team will disband, and I’ll be left to deal with the aftermath (The almost twenty pounds I gained being glued to my desk for five months)

I know I post a nearly identical poorly-lit photo of Higgins curled up in bed with his favorite toy like once a week, but it’s just so cute! 

made soup from scratch but it tastes funny cuz i used laughing stock haha ha this isn’t even today’s worst i have more 😬

At my post, a thousand arrows sail towards my peeping slit. Each one is deflected by my my shield but I know one will get through eventually. That's why I built myself some plate made of hard work and determination because that combo can surely overcome a bodkin point!

Today we celebrate the most sacred of holidays....ladies night at my local ace hardware

(Quietly enjoying a pudding cup and a gentle Monkees documentary on PBS)

Today on my road trip I had peppermint Hershey kisses followed by goldfish and frankly it felt like a pretty fancy party.

no YOU’RE skeptical

How dare you give me the tools to help myself.

been doing a lot of existing in the Real World this weekend and, I gotta say, I don't know if i like it

wife brought home an unrecognized tupperware from a friend and when i saw it in the fridge i hissed at it

from idea to implementation in just 10 trips to the hardware store

Assert dominance at the Thanksgiving table by peeling the skin off the turkey and wearing it on your face

give me fuel give me fire give me an extinguisher, this immediately got out of hand

My work friend gave me some cans of wet food that her cats didn't like, so when I come home and start pulling a bunch of cans of food out of my pockets my cats will probably think I've turned to a life of crime

*removing all the mini pretzels from the Chex mix and throwing them outside for the birds

I was doing stuff in the basement but eventually I became creeped out by the basement. so I am done doing stuff in the basement for the day

To my aunts who said I’d be a real heartbreaker: WRONG.

I hardly ever eat breakfast & much less go out to breakfast but here I am, breakfasting at a restaurant, & my fave part of it is coffee & the occasional kitchen worker who comes through the dining room with a cutting glance & disavowing the farce of it all. That’s what we deserve.

The TV talking to no one in particular.

Listen sonny boy I delete more potential bangers before breakfast than you post all week now get off Santa’s lap the line’s getting long

The hard one, the easy one, the stepstool one. Good luck with your time today!

The best time to go to bed was half an hour ago. The second best time is now.

Today, on an early morning walk through my hometown, the wind delivered the scent of a pizzeria prepping for the day, and I was instantly transported to 1980, and the humid back room of Vincent’s, my best friend and I pumping the quarters we’d stolen from our moms’ purses into the Asteroids machine.

I guess I could make a chocolate cake. With chocolate icing.

I'm sitting on the sofa alone. No music. No television. It is absolutely silent except for what sound the fridge makes. No cars out there. At all.

Hi, I can't come to work today. I haven't learned the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Give me another day or two to process it

You're all getting kleenex box cozies for xmas.

you’re like the wind beneath my wings if i had wings and you were windy

I saw that picture you posted of me in the group chat and crossed you off my Christmas list

Waiting for the absolute last flake to fall before even considering picking up the shovel.

*mouth full of yams This club can't even handle me right now

Damn you green bean casserole, damn you to hell.

Moment is enough to change the course of your life. Don’t miss it.

Thankfully, the arrowhead of a poison-tipped thought doesn’t engage until signed for.

Find me again among the trees, in the whisper of the wind and quiet of the sea.

Buckets of chunky glitter out of my eyelashes.

You have no choice. I have no choice. It never was a thing to be had. It has been sighted, though, like the Loch Ness.

Taking my daughter back to college. The number of cars off the road from yesterday’s storm until I got bored of counting: 29.

First it was Thanksgiving and then it was moms birthday and sister in laws birthday and then it was tiny niece’s birthday and then it was father in laws birthday and now it’s Sunday night but I’m not complaining at least I have a mom and a sister in law and a niece and a father in law.

Have a holly jolly Christmas and a perfect MRI I don't know if there'll be snow but I know about MRIs

This year's holiday decor is called "That's All I Can Muster".

I love it when the tree is the only light in the room.

When I was little my mom would yell at me to use tp to blow my nose instead of tissues cause it was cheaper and I guess tissues were, like, conspicuous consumption or something. Now, my wife yells at me when I blow my nose with tp instead of tissues cause it’s weird or whatever. This is what life is

i think some of us become so excessively kind because we've been treated so cruelly before