The acid seeps down into my pores and rejuvenates the lizard deep inside. These tactics must succeed lest the jester in white take another hour of my life

A restaurant is going out of business and in the comments someone wrote “The last time we ate there we got a charm from a charm bracelet in our food.” Which I think is lucky.

How does one really know if something is fr fr, do you bite it like a coin, use it to cut glass, have it appraised, just abbrev somebody's word for it as for reality for reality? I don't even trust shorts

Thank you for all the love for baby grand-dog. She is 13, but still a tiny sweet baby.

After an epic 16 hours travel time I made it to my room. Hallelujah.

i just said what’s the story morning glory so pls feel free to come to me for all of your hip lingo needs

The amount of crabby I am is pretty spectacular. Breathtaking. Mad enough to develop an unknown superpower.

Netflix: are you still watching and wearing the same sweatsuit for five days?

Did not bring enough book for this unexpected five hour layover which is real bad because nothing else to do but cry

Switching to the snootful as my new standard unit of measurement.

Everyone please send good vibes for my grand-dog baby Phoebe

We pulled up to the drop off lane just as our neighbors from the lake up north pulled up for drop off. How weird to see you in the winter, we said.

Love how they’re offering healthy food options at the airport now. Not going to eat it but it’s nice to see.

Connecting flight delayed three hours looks like I’m not getting Thai food tonight [sad trombone]

Jean-Etienne Liotard - A Lady Pouring Chocolate

time to clock in for my shift at the worrying factory

Heads up: it’s wet and slippery out there…and the roads aren’t so hot either hiyooooo the world’s on fire love your neighbor but don’t take any shit

cut to me “going live” while crying and eating a rotisserie chicken over the kitchen sink

good morning to you

TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

I wonder if the cold enjoys being called brutal so often?

A chauffeur is taking me to the airport for first time ever (ok fine it’s my husband)

Getting my calcium needs met each night by grinding my teeth to a fine powder and digesting them in my sleep

Me? Well, uh, um...I'm the Director of the Whatchamadoozies. And you are?

Real Winter has arrived

Four and a half hours of sleep but it’s fiiiiiiiiiine

I have done it. I have made french onion soup. I never have to do it again.

Looking for a lover who won’t blow my cover

The open sky and the hungry earth.

The bad news is I lost enough weight to not qualify for the free stuff at the gym for having a BMI over 30. The good news is they said it's fine to lie.

Grew up all fightily blightily in a Beatrix Potter neighborhoodly woodly and I do recommendily bembly it unless you got two roughly toughly pronunciation fists

Someone says imagine, and you find yourself doing it.

the best thing about buying new hand weights is walking out of the store doing some curls

Three-day weekends make you feel like you could almost get your shit together. But you can’t. You can never get your shit together.

I saw a video that was like How to elevate your look. Well, I have started adding a white T-shirt under things cause it’s cold.

I'm so hungry I could eat a sandwich the size of half a giraffe.

You guys should have seen my husband dancing to “Tulsa Time” by Don Williams oh my gosh play Don Williams hot damn

At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to read Agatha Christie in front of a crackling fire in a Scottish Highlands cottage during a raging snowstorm whilst enjoying a plate of emotional support scones?

i open the mail to see that i have been selected for jury duty, so i walk over to my wife who is enjoying a nice cup of tea, gently put my hand on her shoulder & whisper, “we have to move again.”

Painted with a similar brush.

I think the best way to describe unpacking a 30-year marriage going on 3 years after divorce is “I’m reformatting my internal hard drive.” Then again, I always was a nerd (complimentary)

A winter wander

I’m going to have to live with that incorrect castor spelling post for the rest of my days

[holds flashlight to face in dark] then he said. I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Saving getting really into soups for old age. Like metal detecting. You don't want to start too soon.

Calgon is here to take you away. Be not afraid.

“It’s like Venice, it’s hard to get to but the canal is really nice.” ~Nikki Glaser

You all seem to be watching football so I’ll come back later.