Had a college team shirt on yesterday and the security guard at the store told me the current game score. I gave him a thumbs up. I didn’t tell him I only have the shirt bc of the marching band.

It was a good weekend, a mellow weekend, I peed outside a bunch. I’ll give it an 8.5.

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

Did my first slow motion old man fall today. Not great.

Make Meemaw & Peepaw hate fascism again.

When I was trying on jeans the other day a baby crawled under the partition into my fitting room. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I know my choice didn’t help my issue of not fitting into any of the jeans, but god that baby was delicious.

ME: you keep looking like that and you’ll be in trouble, you sexy bitch 12-PACK IN MY FRIDGE:

The sheer amount of stupid has overwhelmed me, I got nothing but spite.

3rd summer here, 80 at 9:30pm. I’m ok with it.

someone in Houston bring me a quizno’s sammy I’ll show you a boob the larger one

Me, at 8 pm: omg I could go to sleep right now Me, at 2:46 am: *glued to my phone with ‘3 cups of coffee’ kind of energy*

I’m so high that I’m at least five of the seven dwarves rn.

I have a golden retriever spending the weekend so I’m all set.

Make sure to leave a beer and a hot wing out for Santa Football tonight. (those first two games don’t really count)

I started parking in the garage and my interactions with neighbors are down 34%. I think I have this stuff figured out.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Scrolling the discover tab just to feel something.

your bunker or mine,pumpkin? me flirting

"Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42." "Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!"

Sorry I haven’t been around. I’m on a very tight schedule of getting nothing done

Leave it to me to get sick on a weekend. I’m trying plenty of fluids.

Waited until after coffee to check my lotto numbers because a needed a few good minutes.

First date idea: You pick me up at the bar and drop me off at my house.

I in fact do NOT have a pocket full of sunshine, that is an unregistered firearm

My tax bracket is half of my furniture came from a curb

I can't believe the only way to get out of my job that I hate is to get another job that I hate

This beer tastes like I’ll be singing “I’ll Stand By You” into his Ring camera tonight

Mid life crisis mode, activate

Threw in a couple loads of laundry to get a head start on the weekend. Please help me.

Potato chip crumbs on my eyebrows again. Time for bed.

On this meet the teacher night, I commemorate the one year anniversary of the principal meeting my youngest and saying, through a clenched smile, “oh look at that, there’s another one!”

That’s my emotional support brain damage ! !

I consider anything under 80 degrees a polar plunge now.

I love getting older. Except the whole face thing.

Mental note: toddlers + floaties = starvation

ChatGPT just rubbed its temples and told me to get my shit together

Oh you love huh? How many haunted clocks do I own ?

I told my new doctor I think I'm a "normal" amount of depressed and he just nodded and shrugged and went along with the exam

My daughter stopped playing team sports because of the excessive amount of high fives. She’s definitely mine.

I’m at the age where the majority of birthday wishes are from medical offices

No, I will not be the bigger person. Firstly I’m only 5 feet tall so it’s rarely an option and secondly I’m mean.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DOUBTED ME WHEN I WAS A KID: you called it, congrats

I’m a pessimist by nature and it still surprises me how many awful people there are out there.

This one time while I was in a meeting with the boss, he took a phone call from an irate client and I had to sit there and listen to him lie his ass off for 10min straight.

I’m so sick of seeing the shittiest ppl on earth succeed. Karma, were you at gurl?

My daughter has been waking up earlier than usual and she’s such a yapper. No joke, she just yaps at me all day and if I’m not paying attention she’s so offended. I want my morning quiet time alone 😭

Sure boobs are great but when a woman is speaking please have some respect and look her directly in the vagina

I just want to buy cool old cars and hang out. Is that too much to ask?

Been away for 8 days and didn’t pack a razor. I’m practically French now.

My youngest niece is heading to college this week. Maybe this one will take.