99% of gamblers quit right before they win big

Possibly one of the biggest culprits of sexual harassment played for laughs is Gina from brooklyn 99. Constantly harassing Terry but its never seen as more than harmless fun

I do think two introverts can make an amazing couple, actually

I still remember when twitter was supposedly for “thinkers”, ideas and more. Nowadays it’s just nopor, hate speech, racism, BOTS, and fake news.

My reach on other platforms is basically nonexistent

Makes me proud to be one of the first people he banned…

BlueSky is the most liberal echo chamber in the history of anything and you’re even seeing it here.

Musk basically welcomed back with open arms all the racist, bigoted, xenophobic, conspiracy theorist, fake Christian, maga moron, rapist sympathisers back onto the X platform.

Deleting your X account frees up the username, and I have no interest in handing that off to an impersonator.

well, if this site ends up like X, I’m going back to communicating with people via carrier pigeons

My superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes.

Whoever gets the most birds inside their house by the end of the day is the winner. Three two one go

Retail therapy is great and all, but buying concert tickets is where it's at

I don’t know I’m way behind on my stalking

HER: I’m a genealogist. ME: that’s crazy, I just finished watching Aladdin.

Cats in Texas say meowdy

*falling into a burning ring of fire* I'm gonna write a song about this shit

People don't believe me when I tell them I'm good in bed but more importantly they also say "why would you tell me that? I don't know you and I didn't ask"

Poisoned candy apples fresh from the cauldron ready to pick up now. Grab em while they're hot!

I am as God made me. You see my dilemma.

Self loathing doesn’t accomplish much but it passes the time

I would have divorced Nicole Kidman immediately for that gross baby talk.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end* Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

my disabled self can’t help but think how FAST I would sign up for a synthetic body like in alien:earth.

I watch true crime stories and take notes.

You say "odd" while I'm striving for bat shit crazy.

The Hokey Pokey is not a metaphor. It is real. Start shaking.

I'm just a girl, hoping this inflatable halloween pompompurin has a butthole

*slaps the box of donuts off the counter and hisses

If you feel the need to reply to my posts, just DM me. So I can block you. Maybe.

This slippery slope could use some lube

a lady i email at my job has a name similar to a dick poster here, when she emails me, i expect dicks. every time.

scene outside my window: tamales guy: "TAMALES!" "TAMALES!" grouchy lady downstairs: "shut the fuck up!" tamatles guy: "TAAAAAMAALLEEEESSSSS!!!!!"

I gotta hit the gym and diet extra hard this month so I can look sexy in my whoopee cushion costume

I don’t want any of them to die, I want them all to wish they did.

Foreplay in the form of sending a cease and desist letter

What big balls you have...I mean eyes.

my patience snapping like cheap gas station sunglasses

ME: whew, i finally forgot about the cross eyed bear that i gave to you ALANIS MORISSETTE: lol not so fast

Hello? Yes, I'd like to get on the schedule for some more disappointment. Please

Nothing creepier than an old woman in pig tails.

The showdown of the century: my alt beefing with my main

let’s hold hands while they reset the simulation

I believe in efficiency, so I cry while I get my daily steps in.

Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.

gonna start using social media less and use the time saved to hit myself in the head with a shovel

I’m beginning to think Trump is just seeing what he can get away with before his delusional followers actually call him out on his behaviour

Hard to be a shittier or more hypocritical American than a Republican these days.

10 years isn’t much to a pensioner but it is over half the life of a High School student.

Every criminal I know has a job already. In politics.