There's a toddler on my flight who keeps walking down the aisle and stopping and staring at my laptop. Finally, his mom told me, "He loves laptops." He. Loves. Laptops.

Seeing @hellolanemoore.bsky.social at The Den Theatre was an uplifting (via descending) journey into the Chicago Tinder dating scene. Next time, I want the other seats at my table filled with my friends

Today I discovered that if I have my adderall and a latte with two shots of espresso, my heart will start beating as if I've had cocaine.

Does anyone else feel so so proud of themselves for using public transit when they're traveling? It can be a little confusing, but once you figure it out, it's so cute and you feel like a local and it's very fun!!

Good morning, Chicago👋🌼 (The morning news show i will host with my dog. She will nap most of it and demand snacks.)

just got catcalled by a dad walking with his 6 year old son who he was making carry an HD tv

Beaming this to all the Chicago baddies who need to laugh at toxic men right now as much as they need oxygen.👯‍♀️🤳🏻🔪

bless people who smile at you for no reason and people who say "text me when you get home so I know you're ok" forever and ever

Beaming this to all the Chicago baddies who need to laugh at toxic men right now as much as they need oxygen.👯‍♀️🤳🏻🔪

I'm in Chicago and I just saw an ambulance blaring a siren and then going like 5 mph giving no fucks. Chicago is a beautiful mystery.

CHICAGO PALS! I'm bringing my comedy show to you THIS WEEKEND!! We'll swipe through the most chaotic Chicago dating profiles, match live, and message live for the funniest (and shockingly kind!) comedy show ever. I love doing the show in Chicago so don't miss it and your friends!!!💋🤳🏻😍

Made it to Chicago after a turbulent flight, over an hour cab ride in traffic, and now I'm staring at my waitress like, "Am I real? Can you see me? If i screamed, would people react?"

They are STARTING???? #DemVoice1 #ProudBlue #Pinks www.wired.com/story/palant...

Yeah, let's leave it up to each gun owner bringing weapons on a flight if they feel like mass murder that day. Their (dead) bodies (everywhere in the airport) their choice! America!

My family was dropping off friends at ft lauderdale Airport the day a dude got off his flight and picked up his properly labeled "unloaded guns" at Baggage claim, then started loading them right there and shooting ppl and maybe a better system is possible??

I'm at the airport to get to my Chicago tour date and the guy next to me at check-in is talking to cops because he brought a bunch of guns with him, so now they are giving him luggage tags that say "unloaded guns" what a country we live in lol super chill stuff!!!

My weightlifting coach finally met my dog Lights today and said "HOW IS SHE EVEN CUTER IN PERSON???" and i said "RIGHT?" because that is the only correct response to this face.

CHICAGO PALS! I'm bringing my comedy show to you THIS WEEKEND!! We'll swipe through the most chaotic Chicago dating profiles, match live, and message live for the funniest (and shockingly kind!) comedy show ever. I love doing the show in Chicago so don't miss it and your friends!!!💋🤳🏻😍

Wait, is Chicago really gonna be this warm for my show??😍😍😍 NO TAKE BACKS!!!!

This is going to be a great time.

I made a TikTok telling people I'm gonna be in Chicago this weekend doing my very funny comedy show and so many comments are weird guys (and several wholesome lesbians) asking me to get a drink with them, and like JUST COME HIT ON ME AT MY SHOW!!!!😂

Choose your fighter, aka which guy you most want to fight.🥊

Choose your fighter, aka which guy you most want to fight.🥊

happy birthday, weed

CHICAGO FRIENDS! I'm coming there on April 26 to roast your weirdest dating profiles, which tbh is most of them. If you've never been on a dating app, you've got to come. If you've seen way too many dating profiles, you really have to come.🙏😂🤦‍♀️Get tickets here!!! thedentheatre.com/performances...

happy birthday, weed

Pals! What should I do in Chicago next week, besides roasting toxic dudes on dating apps for comedic purposes, i also wanna do SPOOKY/NATURE/ART/GOOD FOOD/HOT GIRL STUFF TOO!!! ADVICE PLEASE👇🦇

CHICAGO FRIENDS! I'm coming there on April 26 to roast your weirdest dating profiles, which tbh is most of them. If you've never been on a dating app, you've got to come. If you've seen way too many dating profiles, you really have to come.🙏😂🤦‍♀️Get tickets here!!! thedentheatre.com/performances...

Your Honor, I'm sorry I was speeding, I was gazing into my dog's eyes and I got too amped.

just flipped off a guy for staring at my boobs while I walked and I didn't look up from my phone once he was like 😳and I was like 💀

Pals! What should I do in Chicago next week, besides roasting toxic dudes on dating apps for comedic purposes, i also wanna do SPOOKY/NATURE/ART/GOOD FOOD/HOT GIRL STUFF TOO!!! ADVICE PLEASE👇🦇

Your Honor, I'm sorry I was speeding, I was gazing into my dog's eyes and I got too amped.

just flipped off a guy for staring at my boobs while I walked and I didn't look up from my phone once he was like 😳and I was like 💀

Being a person right now is so exhausting, so if you have to be a person right now, wow hats off to you!!!!

Every day it gets harder to focus on the good people who exist in this world, instead of the bad. So every day it becomes all the more necessary to do it anyway.

Every day it gets harder to focus on the good people who exist in this world, instead of the bad. So every day it becomes all the more necessary to do it anyway.

Being a person right now is so exhausting, so if you have to be a person right now, wow hats off to you!!!!

"hmm i dont think i'll have time to do both of these incredibly quick tasks. better not do either of them" --me, every day

Sometimes I think about all the people who said they were voting for Trump because they wanted things to get more affordable, even though people told them he def would not do that, and now guess what's happening? That and worse. Wow who could've known, except everyone who told them that?!?

fellow small dog owners: wtf do you do when a huge scary off-leash dog runs up and tries to trample your dog/you? And the owner acts like you're crazy for being terrified by that?? it's happened to me a couple times recently, and its lowkey traumatic + I will never understand it?!?

"Why would this ever be your dating profile?" Volume 4,654,654

CHICAGO FRIENDS! I'm coming to your city on April 26 to roast your weirdest dating profiles, like this charming lad. If you've never been on a dating app, you've got to come. If you've seen way too many dating profiles, you really have to come.🙏😂🤦‍♀️Get tickets here!!! thedentheatre.com/performances...

TONIGHT in Brooklyn!!! Come see me do a totally improvised 📼1980s horror movie📼that's also super funny! It has everything: 1980s teen hunks with bad dating profiles getting killed or killing each other, and you'll laugh more than you've laughed in months!!!🧛‍♀️

"He's probably joking...oh he's really not and it's getting worse???" is one of my favorite dating app tropes. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVEN SAYING?!

TONIGHT in Brooklyn!!! Come see me do a totally improvised 📼1980s horror movie📼that's also super funny! It has everything: 1980s teen hunks with bad dating profiles getting killed or killing each other, and you'll laugh more than you've laughed in months!!!🧛‍♀️

WASHINGTON (AP) — Energy prices that spiked due to war in Iran push inflation to the biggest increase in four years.

sorry i havent texted you back its just everything overwhelms me all the time

question for people of all genders on dating apps: how the fuck are you gonna answer my question with a statement & then ZERO follow up questions for me, so now i have to sit here & interview you like a celeb on a talk show have you never had a conversation wtf

I like Facebook memories because it's kinda fun to look back over the years and see all the different types of sad I was. 2015? sad but havin fun. 2018? Covert sadness with optimism. 2020? mounting, explicit sadness.

I'm at the doctor and they gave me paper shorts to change into and the nurse seriously underestimated how much ass i brought to this appointment.