[Sex Shop] Me: *holding 37 dildos* Shopkeeper: may I help you? Me: where are the fitting rooms?

The thing about teasing us with rumours of the rapture happening is that it makes us daydream of a world where the people dedicated to making it an awful place to live just suddenly vanished.

Them: Do you ever shut up? Me: I don't even suck dick quietly.

Some days you just gotta ignore that man for your own mental health.

Stayed up after midnight on a school night and now I'm deceased.

I literally have no one to impress with my weirdness so I guess I’ve accepted that I’m going to die alone. Is this healing? Am I healed? I guess so. Nice.

This morning on our walk, my little dog and I met a 20 lb cotton ball that likes to shriek bark. He was freaking out in his front yard and I heard his mom holler from the house, “Bobby you need to calm down,” and now I’m wondering if she calls him Robert when he’s in real trouble.

I had three déjà vu today and I’m sure that’s not at all weird and everything is fine.

No woman here owes you anything, not even a response. Delete your account, put down the booze and talk to a therapist.

giving you a little extra space (as a treat)😘

I'm only optimistic when there's cynicism involved.

This beer tastes like I’m gonna sing “I Remember You” into his Ring camera

Answering all calls from now on with "Go ahead caller, you're on the air"

I accidentally got super duper high in the garden. These guys always look ready for a side quest.

Standing in the middle of Home Depot rubbing my nipples just to feel something

I just hope Canada thinks about me sometimes, too.

Wha?! It’s Friday night and I like working blue over here once in a while.

Waiting for the orgasm to kick in because it works faster than melatonin.

I’ve been saving seeds for years. Poppies, cosmos, sweet peas, sunflower, basically the kitchen sink of my last few gardens. Tonight I mixed up a batch. I’m gonna seed it in October to jump start my spring whimsy. Hot DAMN I love a good plan.

Sorry for the things I said while prepping for my colonoscopy

I'm wearing a new perfume today, so I am unstoppable. *walks into a stop sign*

BLT Pasta Salad Toss: 8oz cooked elbow pasta 4 c peeled roughly chopped tomatoes 4 crumbled bacon slices 3 c finely shredded lettuce Mix: 1/2 c mayo 1/3 c sour cream 1 tbsp Dijon mustard 1 tsp sugar 2 tsp cider vinegar 1/2 tsp salt & pepper Add dressing to salad, toss gently, serve immediately.

I appreciate that the bags of Halloween candy are quite easy to rip open. They know what we’re working with here.

Hanging on by a thread is the new vibe

On your first day, it's important to earn respect by picking a fight with the biggest dude at the orgy.

Coworker: Team work makes the dream work. Me: For the love of god, please end me.

My vagina is a load-bearing wall.

Empathy is a survival trait without which we would already be extinct.

Taking a mental health day tomorrow because I’m too cute to be this exhausted.

Instead of quiet quitting how about quiet working like please just keep it down a little

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD? Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

I talk to myself in the same condescending tone, so you’re not special

TL full of butthole selfies

Timeline cleanse

“i wasn’t raised to be shellfish” - imitation crab

Typical of Apple to release another iPhone and completely ignore my demands for a wrist-mounted taser.

Sorry i called you a fuckhead. I think you're a fuckhead but i should have kept it to myself.

I should’ve just poured the coffee directly in the kitchen sink, stuck my head in it and sucked.

my tattoo artist called me a “pain slut” and I snort laughed so hard that I’m kinda crushing on myself now for being an adorable little shit

Everything is crazy right now, stock up on serotonin.

Be the most amazing version of yourself by cutting yourself some gotdamn slack. We’re all exhausted.

Don’t take my friend’s board game collection, they’re all he Hasbro.

Reskeeting while naked as the good lord intended.

🎶 If you’re happy and you know it, share your drugs 👏🏻 👏🏻

The new Downton movie is freaking awesome, really a perfect ending. Made my heart so happy ❤️

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚞𝚒𝚗𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚑𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚢. 𝙸𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚛𝚎𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚜, 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙸𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚢, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚜 𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚢. #Open♥️

I make a tasty cocktail; if you give me "it's too boozy" or "I can't finish this," I will pluck it from your hand and drink it myself.

I’m driven almost entirely by whimsy, humor, curiosity, and spite

them: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead who would it be? me: