Sometimes my kids will present me with something so profound, that I am forced to reflect on my own life choices, like why did I have kids

what’s the latest tea on Timothy Chamomile

Rocking around the clock sounds exhausting.

How many years is a mental breakdown supposed to last?

Grant me the serenity to change the things that are minor inconveniences.

You telling me I don't have to pay anything for these radicals?

Hello, police? My daughter is wearing my clothes while telling me I have no style.

I would scroll my phone next to you so hard

can’t believe it’s almost 2026 and we’re still don’t know what the deelio is

They call it “personal growth” because other people’s growths are disgusting.

I’ve never exfoliated. I like to keep my foliage close.

My doctor said I should avoid too much excitement so I won’t be using exclamation points for a while.

I’m like if “what the fuck” was a person.

I have no patience for people who take their time crossing a crosswalk but I’ll sit all day and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road

Sam's Club is the Walmart of Costcos (and there's a reason for that)

Him: where are all the coffee filters? Me:

It's amazing when you quit drinking how unattractive people become *6 years sober today, best 6 years of my life*

ME: *hangs up phone* REFRIGERATOR: Who was that ME: *tearful* What are you running from

Sea Bass would be a good nickname for Sebastian

I imagine what all of you smell like based on your profile pic

it’s nice to mute you too

there's an owl literally hooting outside, predictable much???

the hardest part of meditating for me is right when i start to center myself the car behind me starts honking

full contact origami

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, you guys. I’ve been really busy *continues putting pegs in Lite Brite*

I said "tooth hurty" and my dentist just blinked at me

I like visiting my ancestral home (dives head first into bog)

Reply guys

it takes a village people to raise a macho man

Anything can be a pet. A squirrel, a dung beetle, moss. The key is, they can't get away.

*brings a first aid kit to a knife fight*

if you feel yourself start to panic, stop and ask yourself - “wait - is this even my disco?”

Hey Friends, if you're looking for comedy, I've got you covered

I know you have rice, brown or just long? I'm all out of grub, I'm so lost without food I can't be too late to say I want stroganoff

do you wanna come over so our reply guys can have a playdate?

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

When CPAs break the law are they sent to accounty jail

I'm 'seen people smoke in a hospital' years old

Sorry I had to mute you but I don't like looking at your face nearly as much as you clearly do

I'm kind of like if oops wrong hole was a person

He’s a 10 but he’s not into me

We don't make tongue twisters like we used to

Me: ok. I've had a cup of coffee. I enjoyed that. Thanks for putting it at the top of my priority list. What's next? My brain: you need a nap now

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

I’m not even gonna mention it ~ me about to mention it

An album of remakes where they use the misheard lyrics instead of the real ones.

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at