it’s nice to mute you too

there's an owl literally hooting outside, predictable much???

the hardest part of meditating for me is right when i start to center myself the car behind me starts honking

full contact origami

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, you guys. I’ve been really busy *continues putting pegs in Lite Brite*

I said "tooth hurty" and my dentist just blinked at me

I like visiting my ancestral home (dives head first into bog)

Reply guys

it takes a village people to raise a macho man

Anything can be a pet. A squirrel, a dung beetle, moss. The key is, they can't get away.

*brings a first aid kit to a knife fight*

if you feel yourself start to panic, stop and ask yourself - “wait - is this even my disco?”

Hey Friends, if you're looking for comedy, I've got you covered

I know you have rice, brown or just long? I'm all out of grub, I'm so lost without food I can't be too late to say I want stroganoff

do you wanna come over so our reply guys can have a playdate?

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

When CPAs break the law are they sent to accounty jail

I'm 'seen people smoke in a hospital' years old

Sorry I had to mute you but I don't like looking at your face nearly as much as you clearly do

I'm kind of like if oops wrong hole was a person

He’s a 10 but he’s not into me

We don't make tongue twisters like we used to

Me: ok. I've had a cup of coffee. I enjoyed that. Thanks for putting it at the top of my priority list. What's next? My brain: you need a nap now

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

I’m not even gonna mention it ~ me about to mention it

An album of remakes where they use the misheard lyrics instead of the real ones.

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Due to inflation, Dire Straits is re-recording “Money for Nothing” as “Nothing for Money.”

My engagement farm has produced very few marriages

They don't want you to know this, but some typos are only visible to you after you've hit send

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch who ate all of your Halloween candy (kids crying) ...it wasn't me...

MC ESCHER [last will and testament]: I leave myself this pen, with which I’ll write my will.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

Thank you so much for your internet opinion

Not being able to think of a skeet isn't writers block. It's a sign from above

I didn’t reply you. Please respond.

Welcome to adulthood, you now snap your fingers when dancing.

don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

i’m doing balloon animals for the party tonight hope everyone likes worms

not many know this but "christmas" means "more christ" in spanish

he took the ado much further after all

have we tried saving daylight by getting rid of Mondays yet

When I was a teenager I thought the BeeGees song "Staying Alive" established a very low standard for navigating existence. Now I get it. 🥺

daylight can only be saved if it wants to be saved

you have a seat on the council but we do not grant you the rank of shitposter

Squishy is the worst texture of thing to step on