I really don't think it's too much to ask for everybody to pay attention to me, but like, not in a way that draws attention to me.

Spending Sunday as the lord intended; questioning why you all hated my Saturday skeets.

you think they're the one but they stir pots anticlockwise

I clap when the plane lands because I’m alive. Then I clap again when my luggage arrives. Then I clap when I find my car. I’m very supportive.

to the people saving my posts: are you mad at me

fun fact: the plural of island is arelands

paninis aren’t nearly as tiny as they sound

signs of poster's madness: 1. you post on bsky

except for all my posts I'm a pretty likable guy

I'm blocked by 1175 people and I just know I can do better

At this point we should know that there is no point, hence we can't be at it either

genius is 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration and 98% trepanation

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

I’m too lazy to take a good selfie right now, so just assume that I’m hot.

“Why do Americans call that football?” Because we use the imperial system, obviously. Otherwise it would be meterball

See a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll be washing your hands ‘cos it will inevitably be filthy and you’ve no idea who touched it before you so is it really worth it in the first place?

I assume there are 2 possible reasons as to why my wife hasn’t left me yet; she’s either lost the muscle control necessary to fart silently or she’s absolutely terrified I won’t contest custody of the kids.

I'm Sure It'll Probably Be Fine A Memoir

I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person

taking my ants to a farm upstate

My neighbors are weird and strange you should see them, here I’ll let you borrow my binoculars.

Bloodshed is where blood keeps its yard tools

Not a good first day for the U.S. at the Ryder Cup today. Clearly they need to release the Epstein Files.

Sure I’ll go to the school’s Ice Cream Social… but it’ll be for the ice cream, not the social.

Media literacy is extremely important, and that's why I refuse to have any.

I will not ride at dawn. That’s way too early

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone, you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

If I won the lottery, I'd still ride the bus. But I'd also own the bus and not let anyone else ride.

So, let me get this straight, I'm about to be labelled a terrorist for *checks notes* existing

I respect Newman's Own’s commitment to putting Paul in silly hats and outfits based on the product. I enjoy the whimsy of it all.

How many digits I recite pi to will tell you how good the sex was

Not to brag, but she only fakes it with me

i’m not saying it’s aliens but it’s aliens

Oh, you have a life? Gross

Learned recently that I live in a biome called an “oak savanna,” which I had never of heard before. But I’ll be dammed if this savanna doesn’t feel oaken.

[during sex] what base is this?

I served Greek cheese at dinner. It feta family of four.

Mom: have you been seeing anyone lately? Me, gently petting my phone: yea, kinda

not now responsibility, the people in my phone need me

I just assume that if any of my posts have been saved it was an accident induced by drugs or alcohol.

if you store batteries in your freezer, we're not fucking. they're called standards people.

Shit… I think I’m the old man down the street.

an old man just walked into my workplace wearing so much cologne i can smell it through my ears

Another way to understand wood grain is to pet a cat

My ex is from Texas and trust me, not everything is bigger.

🎶Doc McDonald had a clinic: ear, eye, nose and throat

Solid chapters, but I think chapter 11 (Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Muted) and chapter 12 (So, You're Really Not Going to Repost That?) were your bolder, forward-moving topics.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present: guy who really gets it

Have you seen how much they pay head coaches? It's a wonder anybody can afford to participate in competitive oral sex.