I feel like most of you don’t fear the reaper in fact I think you’d throw him a party and even validate his parking

I was voted ‘Most Likely to Die by Mariticide’ in high school - me, flirting

He’s a 10, but he says “sketty” when he wants Italian food

Let's keep saying nothing in increasingly elaborate ways.

My secret sex move is to make your dog fall in love with me

Anniversaries are an annual check-in for both parties to decide if it’s been a really long time or if it’s been long enough, really

Gonna tell the Starbucks barista that my name is Big Melvin just to feel something deep in my loins

Can one of you please get me a cup of water and tuck me back in bed story reading optional but if so make it one about lovable but misunderstood gerbil zombies

When you "assume" something about me just know that you're probably correct

First few years as a freelancer, I started to panic in January, the slow time of year. So I set up an annual calendar event titled "It's going to be ok." Anyway, just made it weekly.

replace "rock" with "block" in song lyrics 🎶HERE I AM, BLOCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

thinking back to simpler and carefree times (when fantasy island came on right after love boat)

*takes long drag of cigarette* *slowly exhales* Yeah, things ain't optimal at this juncture.

I will take a route that takes ten times longer to get there, as long as the traffic keeps moving.

If Goethe was so smart why didn't he know there's an r in his name?

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

first date idea: we binge watch Star Trek: The Next Generation hello? okay yeah she hung up

such bullshit, been eating Smarties for years and i’m still dumb af

*taps on skull* that all we got?

I’m sorry what me scrolling the Hot Classic Feed

[watching k pop demon hunters] those aren't even real demons. they're just cartoons.

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

We’re all narcissistic it’s not a competition

It takes me 9 seconds to write a text and 17 minutes to find the right emoji to add to it

It seemed like the dumbest joke ever so I posted it - a memoir

Took a vow to be mediocre.

I'd be perfectly fine not knowing what you're doing

Between being made for loving you baby, and you being made for loving me, I keep pretty busy.

work is not lol its not lol at all

tale as old as time (cautionary)

[The Cheesecake Factory] Waiter: are you all ready to order? Me: still working on the 20 page novel you handed us when we were seated

watching the numbers slowly rollover may be lost in this digital age

Everybody gets one. You already used yours.

Checking into Friday meetings

I’m a peaceful guy but I will come at you with a ball-peen hammer and rage in my heart if you don’t show deep love for Lionel Richie and his knickers-dropping balladry

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

Sorry, when you asked if I wanted to go down the rabbithole, I thought you meant like an actual hole in the ground in the woods with rabbits, not watching these easily debunked youtube videos in your attic.

When I got back to the shore about 6 hours later, the sand and the rocks had disappeared and there was nothing but water. Soooo fuckin weird

But for the mass hysteria and public executions, trippin balls on rye fungus in 1692 Salem sounds like a lot of fun, actually

[speed dating] say espresso

She don't lie She don't lie She don't lie Tylenol 🎶

You say thinly veiled threat like it's a bad thing

Don’t correct my grammar. You wouldn’t like me when I use correct grammar

Make a porn wholesome: Deep Throat Endoscopy

Make a porn wholesome: Debbie Does Dishes

ⓘ This post has been removed in accordance with Bluesky adherence to temporal laws enforced by the Time Variance Authority

If by living on the edge you mean ‘eats grocery store sushi’ - then yes I live on the edge

We all have that friend who’s like a fruit tart- a tad sweetly sour on the inside, flaky on the out. I may be that one friend, actually.