I don't know about you but I make anxious Curly sounds when I read the news

Look, I’m an asshole but at least I feel shitty about it sometimes

"I'm a pretty quick study" - Me, a man celebrating 43 years of squirting a little mustard water on his bread

you can’t keep talkin like that bro, that’s the kinda talk that’ll get us thrown out of the pink pony club

[guy who never watched "War Games" (1983)] "We should definitely let AI run our military operations. What could go wrong?"

👀

Ghosts don't just become friends, they become boosome buddies I'm so sorry and send

Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!

I would like an app that doesn't make me want to yeet my phone into the sun and do all my business on papyrus scrolls.

chandelier is a french word meaning candle...er....lear *tries to look confident*

Killing someone secretly with a palindrome is a murdrum.

My hips don’t lie but the left one complains sometimes

This storm was such a bitch I had to listen to AM radio on a dusty old clock radio. This glass of Tab sure hit the spot, though. Have you guys heard of Debby Boone?

pentatonic means that if you scream all your pent up rage into a pillow five times within one sitting it will turn into a tonic i completely understand if you need to mute me now

yearning for the halcyon days of....tuesday

February is too short for a lot of women. They're generally attracted to taller months.

this week was a screaming duress

Almost time to refresh the spirit and tone up your system with a tonic of sassafras, spicebush, sweet birch, or maybe doing rails off your lover’s ass

logs on to announce various goings on with my body

Conversation is my favourite turn-based strategy game.

“anyway so how’s your flesh prison been tho”

I harbour an unreasonable amount of resentment towards things that can crawl under rocks.

Just crossed off the first item on my annual To Do list. It was the 2024 list, but still

Lowers my eye glasses for extra judgment.

After the police had that talk with me, I learned that being a person of interest and an interesting person are two different things.

A stabbing fear? More like a 'penetrating incredulity' *Wife of aspiring writer redoubles her stabbing efforts*: you... pedantic... FUCK!

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

If I had invented the retinal scanner I probably would've said something like "It's for checking Eye D lol" and then my investors would've drowned me in a toilet.

after reading all your posts i feel like the kid in elementary school who brought a box of air to show and tell

Some of you aren't steeped in my lore and it shows

you’re in a literal echo chamber and the only word you can think to contribute is “echo.”

My favourite hams, ranked: 10. ham radio 9. The Hamptons 8. acorn fed serrano ham 7. Hamburg 6. Hamilton 5. hamsters 4. Hamburger Hill 3. Hamlet 2. shame 1. the Hamburglar

illuminatty light

Heard <ignored>

Live, laugh, hey that was my last beer.

Theres a trick to open my car door. I call it broken.

you can either make jokes that are kind of funny for a lot of people or you can make jokes that are extremely funny for 1 person (yourself)

Sorry I invited you over for a romantic dinner then fed you Beef-A-Roni and unfrosted Pop Tarts.

You can make new friends if you reply "too wordy" to long skeets. <allegedly>

i need to check the weather (checks bluesky and posts 4 times) i need to check the weather 🔁

substituting not my first rodeo with not my first body

responding to every slack message at work with TIL

This Valentine’s Day, I’m loving myself. She better appreciate it. That bitch.

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

In case you were wondering how my day was going, I just licked cheese off of my kitchen counter.

You don’t have to agree with me all the time to be my friend.. I don’t even agree with me all the time.