help me early retirement you're my only hope

ZOOKEEPER: So our last snake is our yellow Burmese python ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

this joke is so dad it uses the term “knucklehead”

Wearing a slinky like a boa while throwing myself down the stairs.

The daily horrors are meant to manipulate us into becoming weary, disillusioned, and apathetic but not to brag, I have been all those things since I found out sea monkeys were just brine shrimp

me: *opens door* pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil* me: *closes door* pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

me as a Bluesky therapist (mute)

Sometimes a normal hug doesn't seem enough. Sometimes you need to just squeeze them hard so they know you care. Squeeze so hard their eyes pop out and OH FUCK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

not wearing a bra to the hospital feels a little illegal everyone please avert your eyes these are my bedroom boobs

Look I can offer you awkward silence or awkward conversation the choice is yours

i’m not tired, i’m just permanently buffering

how many likes do i need to get for the yoyo

[opens rat poison] ROUND AND ROUND me: whoa EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN me: wtf

Everything becomes sexier if you add the word French to it. Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...

If someone gives me shit I just tell them I have old man strength and I fight dirty

I know you are a bot but I love you.

love shack anger cottage panic yurt sorrow hovel shame hole

barring bad weather, more like barring life, am i right? *said in rodney dangerfield voice*

she was the gee to my willikers

Have you tried trying?

me looking at your skeets

my therapist thinks i’m ready to tackle some Difficult™ topics, so tonight i’m going to talk about how i never show up in anyone’s skircle

i finished reading the entire internet ama

I’m a real slut for Bible trivia

me: do you take walk-ins? employee: ma’am this is a crematorium

it’s almost 7pm. eating glow in the dark velveeta shells and cheese. i am curled up in bed, upside down, like a goblin. the golden girls are on. this is my routine. this is my curse. this is my joy.

I really can’t afford drugs so I just blow on the fire for extended periods

i bet being run over by that giant price is right wheel would feel so good

I hope none of my favorite billionaires are in the Epstein files :(

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

Me: Let’s see, quick to anger, slow to learn, not a people person, problems with authority, I daydream a lot— Job Interviewer: One weakness will do.

18 days til the 3rd anniversary of my being completely over her.

This can’t be the same creative brain I had when I was a kid and played “Orphanage After Our Parents Died in a Car Crash and We Were the Only Survivors”

Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington, was known to be profusely flatulent, but in his case it was noble gas.

he’s a 10 but his train of thought lacks locomotion

Will practice random acts of weirdness.

welp it’s time for me to put my brain in a bowl by the bed so it can soak overnight

Someone financially and emotionally stable should fall in love w me

another day full of hope potential disappointment caffeine and cheese

I've never met a problem I couldn't turn into a disaster

On which date do you tell them you’re undead?

This shit isn’t going to post itself.

What’s a few shit posts between friends?

Is it me or are we all like "ok. what now?"

For a badass, I sure do use the term "samesies" a lot

Well, it took a lot of hard work, patience, time, blood, sweat and tears, but I'm pretty much in the exact same place.

Monday, when some people quietly assassinate your entire vibe.

Before your next gynaecological appointment or visit with the proctologist why not pop a ‘Made in China’ tag up there, just for shits and giggles.

them: are you being sarcastic me: are you being rhetorical

I want a meeting with my writers: I'm unhappy with my arc.