"Wallowing" sounds way sexier than it often is.

Happy Turkey Sandwich Day to all who celebrate

ungrateful family didn’t like my presents (gift certificates to blockbuster)

Sweet-cheeks, can you ask the unholy and dreadful spectre in ye root cellar to bring up some turnips? ‘tis almost supper

Going grey and becoming more morally so

🎶I don’t wanna come back down from this cloud. It's taken me all this time to find out what I need …and to finish off this eggnog, strudel, and cheese, yeah🎶

my idiot neighbor still has his christmas decorations up lmao

i learned all my dance moves from watching a charlie brown christmas

A shocking number of people use a steak knife to open their Christmas presents.

get in loser, we have more regrets to make before the year is out

Its never too late to regift that holiday trauma.

Let’s exchange scented soaps and pretend none of this ever happened

Only 363 more shopping days until Christmas

Let’s all raise a final toast to making the same stupid decisions next Christmas

my #1 relationship dealbreaker would be finding out they don't care that much about food

Germans love the Christmas movie The Hard

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. And to those who don't... merry Christmas!

All I’m saying is that we wouldn’t be forced to listen to Mariah Carey every year if Mary had just fessed up to her short and torrid affair with the neighbor’s farmhand.

THERE WILL BE NO OPENING OF PRESENTS UNTIL MARIAH FINISHES THE LAST CHORUS

the names of santa’s reindeer sound like they work at a strip club the rest of the year

On Christmas Eve I like to get drunk and steal a donkey for my wife, just like Joseph did for Mary back in the day.

Mysterious shopkeeper assured me my boy will “scream with delight” and “open a vortex of evil” when he sees his new doll.

Do you enjoy very angry people who look like you? Consider having a daughter.

In line at the pharmacy checkout looking for Christmas gifts. Do kids still play with batteries?

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

Jesus: I am the light of the world Jesus’s brother Jeff: Here we go

Snitches get stitches, Your Honor

Santa Tweet! Santa Tweet!

emotional availability, as a bit

Snack Slut. Or maybe Slutty for Snackies? Trying to get my xmas card sign-off juuuust right.

Wearing my sweatpants with writing on the ass that say, “Juicy, but not in the good way.”

make sure you drink that up, the elves have spent all year working their tiny fingers to the bone nogging the eggs for us so we can have a little wrong milk for the holidays

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

You are funny. It’s not you. It’s your followers.

cookie dough: 4 hours to chill me: 4 hours of proving i cannot

My favorite direct message of all time: "seriously tho what is your fucking problem"

Pre covid: A finely crafted prose, with a deftness of wit and brevity that positively sparkles. Post covid: Do you liek typosd? I read thus sentenc thre e times befure posting and it lioked finw to me.

I’ve decided to win the Oscar™️ for best actor this year.

PSA: showers & dance music is a dangerous combo

does time even have a pilot's license !?

I wish it was easier to find holiday themed hardcore pornography.

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

Teachers used to tell us as kids, "There are no stupid questions," and I truly believed it until Reddit came along.

Dec. 1: I should start shopping now so I’ll have the perfect Christmas presents for the family get-together. Dec. 15: I’d better get on that gift shopping soon. Dec. 23: I think there’s a Love’s Travel Stop on the way.

my follow backs are vibe based idk what you want from me

I'm at an age where I'm only 80 percent sure that this is indigestion.

I choose to battle the flu with a holistic, medicinal approach. Eating meatballs.

No free trials for me thanks I already have enough trials to deal with

10,000 Maniacs in 1997 is worth about 20,200 Maniacs today.

Him: You have the most beautiful eyes! Me: Thank you, I use them for crying.