I have nothing in common with people who like November.

I have nothing in common with people who like November.

November’s only been here five minutes and it’s already too November.

“Go fuck yourself” but sincerely.

I told you so. Sincerely, Your instincts.

I hope you have a good weekend. Just kidding. Go fuck yourself.

Let’s play a game called go fuck yourself.

Let’s play a game called go fuck yourself.

I don’t want to play any game that requires me to put skin into it.

*brings ibuprofen to a knife fight*

*brings ibuprofen to a knife fight*

Some days I choose violence and some days I choose ibuprofen.

why do i hide my flaws, they're perfect

Find someone who will share their muscle relaxants with you.

Find someone who will share their muscle relaxants with you.

Welcome to your 40s. You now pull a muscle when you stretch.

Welcome to your 40s. You now pull a muscle when you stretch.

I came. I saw. I stretched. I had to call an ambulance.

Skeet like no one is paying attention.

Rise, skeet, repeat.

show me on my skeets where i never said that

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been too busy to skeet.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been too busy to skeet.

Feed me cereal and tell me I’m pretty

Feed me cereal and tell me I’m pretty

do you love cereal? I love cereal too!

Fuck the Dodgers.

why are ppl still talking about the Dodgers? The super series world bowl or whatever isn’t over yet?

This notification could have been a repost.

I have nothing in common with people who repost reposts.

I only repost assholes like me.

I only repost assholes like me.

People who repost me are hot.

People who repost me are hot.

people who repost posts are hot

Inside me there are two wolves and they are both assholes.

Inside me there are two wolves and they are both assholes.

My favourite thing about the time change is that I get an extra hour to be an asshole.

You have dire wolves inside you, I have tired wolves inside me. We are not the same.

*gets an extra hour of sleep* Me: I’m still tired.

Some days I try too hard. Some days I don’t try hard enough. Either way, I’d rather still be in bed.

*gets an extra hour of sleep* Me: I’m still tired.

just gonna keep adjusting the time until it feels right

Maple syrup is just Canadian jizz.

Maple syrup is just Canadian jizz.

Syrup is just sugar and tree jizz.

I won’t cry over spilled milk but I will cry over spilled maple syrup.

crying maple syrup tears

Get in losers, we’re celebrating the Sunday scaries.