I love the smell of coffee and shit posting first thing in the morning.

I love the smell of coffee and shit posting first thing in the morning.

Not now motherfucker, I have shit posting to do.

Sorry for the things I said when I was shit posting.

Sorry for the things I said when I was shit posting.

More like five hour rule.

More like five hour rule.

five minute rule

Is today your first day on the internet?

First date idea: I push you out of a plane.

First date idea: I push you out of a plane.

People don’t jump out of planes like they used to.

feels like a great day to do some stunts

I stopped giving a shit what you hate 3 internets ago.

I blocked you because I can block whoever the fuck I want.

Fixing my mental health one block at a time.

haha no, it's not that i need my opinions validated. i'm blocking you because you're stupid.

i already don't like people but now i'm at an airport

ChatGPT told me you've been asking about some weird shit.

I tend to stress eat ...even when I’m not stressed.

Who needs a boyfriend when you have tacos.

Late night tacos would fix me.

Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my pants.

It should be illegal to wear pants on the weekend.

Give me comfort or give me death

Not to brag but I didn’t murder anyone this weekend.

Murder, she plotted.

Murder, She Hoped

Murder, she skeeted.

Murder, she skeeted.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s murder.

I keep things to myself 99 times out of ten.

Don’t be alarmed by my obsessive use of 90s music references.

I’m in my 90s music era.

I’m in my 90s music era.

I’m 48 and my 19 year old just told me they thought I had good taste in music and I cannot fucking imagine telling my Dad that when I was any age years old.

I love the smell of coffee and cocaine first thing in the morning.

I love the smell of coffee and cocaine first thing in the morning.

I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.

when people have fun at my expense I just hit them with disinterest

St. Patrick’s Day needs more butthole.

St. Patrick’s Day needs more butthole.

I’m not Irish but you can kiss my butthole.

An Irish butthole is like a regular butthole except it’s shaped like a four leaf clover.

This coffee tastes like I won’t be peopling today.

Sorry I’m late, I was avoiding people.

Sorry I’m late, I was avoiding people.

I’m already tired of stupid people next week.