Trump the Peacemaker. JonathanPie.com youtu.be/ndkFtUKLNZY?...

People don’t reskeet me because they’re too busy clapping

My iPhone battery dies so fast now that it’s always connected to a charger. In other words, I’m back to having a landline.

Okay, I admit Ozempic has made me lose my taste for human flesh.

“Comparison is the thief of joy” that’s a pretty good saying. But I’ve heard better

My slush fund is just a coupon for a free Slurpee at 7-Eleven.

I should call her.

tissues is short for trust issues

I want to go to the Southern Hemisphere so my life can spin out of control in the other direction for a change.

Fun fact: the word “fuck” is really old. Like ancient. People began to say it almost immediately

Me: The existence of a champagne supernova implies the existence of a champagne red giant and a champagne pulsar Neil Degrasse Tyson: Oh hell the fuck yeah

Dave Grohl should buy Grolsch Brewery. You know, as a bit.

I love those little vitamin or pill bottles because when you are trying to open them, they are like, Oh hello! Would you like zero of these O̷̖͂Ŕ̴͇͇͙̣͈͓̺̎̑̂̚͠ ̷̰̺͙̩̺̙̹͓͊̂̉̾̏̈͛̈͠ͅA̵̢̛̲̦͉̦̿͊̐̾̎͌̄̕͠L̷̨̛̙̠̃́̓̐́̍͋L̶̙͗̂̅̌̚͠ ̸̤̣̠̗̗̠̯̈́́́͝ͅÓ̸̧͚̞͈̥̅̐̒͑̌͊̒͝F̸̡͓͇̻̈́̈́̔͆̈́̄̽͜͝ ̶̡̨̙̤̠̩̪̊́͋͂ͅT̴̛̛̯̥̍̊́̑̇̈̑H̶͈͕̤̰̠̹̪̓̈̈̆̅̃E̶̡͍̣̦̪͕͐͛͒͌̏͛͝M̵̢͚̮̭̩͔̾̍͐͝

Why's it called a bank vault and not a safe space?

one of the oldest running dialogues in history is "war is a massively complicated political, bureaucratic, and logistical endeavor" vs. "fuck you pussy, war is when you're a fucking badass, oh shit I lost"

good lord I don't think you're supposed to bury people in the sidewalk. there's not even a headstone.

That clown in the sewer was an ingrate.

Captcha: Are you alone? Me: Uh. Yeah. Captcha: Kiss all the squares with butts in them. Me: What?! Captcha: You heard me. Me: [leans in to kiss the squares with butts in them] Captcha: LMFAO OMG I can't believe you did that

imagine going to all the trouble of insisting that we should rename the Department of Defense to the Department of War, to then go on to start and ultimately lose a pointless, stupid war

You couldn’t make The Office today. I wouldn’t let you. We have enough The Office already

P.T. Barnum drastically underestimated how frequently suckers were born.

Loss prevention guy didn't find it amusing when I started following him throughout the store.

i wanna pluck you like a vegetable

HIM: what do you like most in a guy? ME: a developed frontal lobe

get in, no time to explain

Your “joke” disgusts me. My chicken died crossing a road.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

When I said you had a fertile imagination, I meant your ideas are full of shit.

*rolling off curb into gutter* “one day, son, all of this will be yours”

People who say puns are the lowest form of humor have clearly never seen Yakov Smirnoff live in Branson Missouri.

you think only one of us can work at this restaurant? well just you wait

When the robots attack, will humanity be the good guys?

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

when God invented tits she knew they’d come in handy someday for wiping the smudges off our smartphones

“We'll give you a run for your money.” — banks

Both sides continually firing weapons at each other remains a challenge during fragile cease-fire.

Goosebumps are terrifying because geese are scary enough already without also being on cocaine.

If I have a flaw, it's that I sometimes come off a little smug. IF I have a flaw.

*takes a shot of chocolate milk & slams the glass down* you trying to start shit with me?

Only trump would think 10 years old is "fully matured"

I miss you but not log in to FB miss you

Remember, when you’re super agitated by something to take a deep breath & then punch whatever is closest to you

When I say “get up and go,” I mean sleeping in until the moment I have to walk out the door.

my mood ring exploded is that good

it’s not delivery it’s not digiorno what the fuck is it

The public library doesn’t have a dress-code but I suspect they will by tomorrow

idk . let’s discuss the sticking points

when you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was there that I buried the body

I don't know what semiquincentennial means. I think bicentennial means someone who is romantically attracted to two different centuries.