I turned down the bed, but I should have accepted.

This could have been a draft.

I don’t mean to be nosy, but what the fuck??

I went to get my blood drawn and was disappointed they didn't use the big crayons

Someone tried to tell me they can stack one bed on top of another, but I know that’s bunk.

Find yourself someone who salutes your red flags.

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

[updating my dating profile] Just an old rolling stone who rolled over the hill

Who up contemplating impermanence

I'd show you guys my poetry, but the police are calling it "Evidence."

[crime scene] me: looks like the killer severed their head and gave them a haircut detective: but theres no body? me: yeah they should have used a volumizing shampoo or something

We live in a country where everyone can grow up to be the President. Even people who don't understand percentages.

scanning your skeets and sorting them into lights and darks

I hope Florida wins State of the Union this year.

Just hear me out for a second: A new brand of canned chicken called “Tuna of the Land.”

“Active Bluesky Users” you mean BIRDS?

INVENTOR OF THE AUTOMOBILE: *trying to skooch a chair down the street* this sucks

INVENTOR OF AI: what if everything was stupid

Included?! You mean, like with people. No, thanks.

It feels like someone has my nerves in a jar and they’re shaking it how are you doing

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

when i say it's time to bring the heat i mean lie on a heating pad

I’m not so much chiseled as hammered.

Can anyone help me remember how to do a portrait of No Face from Dick Tracy? I'm drawing a blank.

I've got xcix problems but a roman numeral ain't i

"I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman or Jeffrey Dahmer?

Curling is mostly trying to get your opponents rocks off

Ask your doctor if questions are right for you.

“Move fast and break things.” — Like when a Tesla explodes?

I have a teardrop tattoo so everyone knows I’m sad all the time.

everything is terrible, so sometimes I make cookies about it, which enables me to stress eat cookies about how terrible everything is

priesthood = padre cadre

Bit coin, but only to make sure it was real gold

“proceed to check out” ? already there , thanks 😩

Collecting antique forks. Just for old tines sake.

the trojans are coming from inside the horse

impeachment & removal = PREZ dispenser

Tough week for our government employees. A Coast Guard pilot misplaced Kristi Noem's blanket on her $50 million jet and the President is a pedophile.

flavor blasted is no longer enough for me. i want flavor WASTED. flavor DECIMATED. flavor DESTROYED

Not enough people have given me far more credit than I deserve.

Whatever a soul is, it hurts.

My plan to gain weight is not working out.

Wonka told Charlie the other children would be fine. But, come on, we're all adults. No one ever saw those kids or their parents again.

Just remember kids, St. Valentine is also the patron saint of epilepsy and bee keeping. He could fuck your shit up more than you know.

i see the drafts folder was ignored again today

Yeah, I’m into pickleball…

Therapist stopped hitting on me long enough to tell me I’m a textbook narcissist.

My Doctor told me to go on the DASH diet. I decided to go on the DINE & DASH diet because it burns calories and saves money.

socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living me, examining life: well this sucks

in the navy…