There was this insane cartoon when I was a kid called ProStars and it made 0 sense. It was Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson. I loved it. Gretzky was always hungry all the time for seemingly no reason. They would just run around fighting crime. It was so weird lol

You know what sucks is I am a huge human being. I mean I consider myself to be 6’3” 250 (even though my doctors tell me I am 6’4” 265) but I never really wanted to be this way. And the worst thing is that people are always trying to fight me.

Oh so Jack Dorherty got arrested for being a complete pile of shit. Oops. He got what was coming to him. That guy has been a menace for years. I shed no tears. P out, douchebag.

Hi. I am just a regular-ass person and I really don’t care what people do their private lives. But apparently someone leaked Jeffrey Epstein’s emails to Bloomberg, and supposedly Trump and Bill Clinton had sex?? And the kicker is that Putin has footage of this WTF is going on here?

I used to know these guys, I wouldn’t call them friends, more of acquaintances (they were kind of dickheads) that worked at Goldman Sachs and they both came out of Stanford. They said if you graduate from Stanford, you just have a standing job offer at Google.

I am considering becoming a pilot. I mean if Nathan Fielder could do it and a bunch of Saudis on 9/11 could do it, how hard could it possibly be?

It’s just ridiculous because I have sustained so many injuries because I was just “an athlete”. I don’t even know how screwed up my body is. I’ve broken my neck, my back, my shoulder, my ankle, multiple ribs (I used to break ribs every game), and my god the concussions. Jesus.

I suffered this injury and it went like this. Fuck. I was left guard and I got a thumb in the left eyeball. And my fucking eye popped out. Dude I ripped my helmet off and just hit the floor. I stuck my eye back into my head. That shit sucked the donkey cock. That shit sucked the balls

I used to play football and I suffered this incredibly injury. It was terrible.

I repeat myself occasionally and for that, I apologize but I have lived a strange and extraordinary life. I can’t really describe it. I am trying my best over here and I don’t know what I have said or what I have done. It’s just complete nonsense.

But I had some good times at the Inter-Continental Hotel, it’s where all the players for the US Tennis Open stay and Anna Kournikova was just sitting in the lobby with, I assume her manager, and she gave me the up and down. And I just kind of wave and say hello and she laughed. Nothing happened lol

ME: i’m going to take a showper WIFE: there’s no p in shower ME: not yet there isn’t

That same night, I needed to get ice but there are only every other floor, so I head downstairs and immediately, this is like 1 AM, at least 12 Secret Service agents surround me and they are like, what do you want? I was like, uhhhh, I. Want. Ice? So they follow me to the ice machine and back.

This one time, I was hammered and came back from the hotel bar and I was with a SS agent in the elevator. And I was like, oh that’s a nice handbag and she goes, you don’t want to know what’s in here. I was just like, uhhh alright end of conversation.

I’ve actually had to deal with the Secret Service several times because I used to stay at the Inter-Continental Hotel in midtown Manhattan and during the UN conventions, all of the presidents from all over the globe stay there. They were all very nice, but man, that was intimidating

Strangely enough, the Secret Service was originally designed to take down counterfeiting schemes. Which I guess must have been a problem at the time. It had nothing to do protecting elected officials. Not sure how they pivoted on that one.

I read this article in Rolling Stone years ago about this guy out of Chicago who was a counterfeiter. Just randomly in his basement, he created 9/10 accurate bills. The only place that makes 10/10 (other than the Mint, obviously) is North Korea.

The weird thing about the US Mint is that it produces the majority of the world’s money. So like those Australian bills that are virtually unbreakable and essentially made out of plastic are all created in the US.

Man, the US Mint makes no cents anymore…

According to recent DNA tests, Adolf Hitler only had 1 ball and a micropenis. Why this is news like 80 years after his death is beyond me, but no wonder he was so mad all the time lol

I have had just an unbelievably terrible week. Did you know the phrase “Goodbye” is short for “God be with you”? That’s basically what I am dealing with. To say that things are bad would be a huge understatement.

I used to be on this reality television show and often times, it would be at a restaurant. But the thing is you’re told not to eat (stupid). But after they stop filming, the crew just dives in out of nowhere and takes the plates. It kinda sucked lol. I should have just eaten as much as possible lol

There is this strange phenomenon, mostly in NYC, where people are eating bugs. I actually tried them before (crickets fwiw). They are an excellent source of protein and are wildly sustainable. I’m not going to lie, I would recommend it. Don’t knock it until you try it.

I absolutely hated my English teacher in high school. I handed him a poetry paper. He goes, “Douglass, I need to speak with you after class”. “This is the worst thing I have ever read” And I say, read it backwards I went from a C- to an A+. I wrote a poem in reverse.

I lived in Paris for a spell when I was a child. They had these banana/Nutella crepes that were so amazing. I couldn’t believe it. I have tried to hunt them down since then. I can’t find anything close

I live in Providence, RI and it is certainly a curious place. The Talking Heads and HP Lovecraft is from here. Edgar Allen Poe spent a large amount of time here. This city is absurd because half of it is a cemetery. I’m not joking.

I have this sort of ‘gift’ where I am just an absolute beast of a human. Like I am 6’3” 250. People do not fuck with me. I am not necessarily a pacifist, but anytime I show up, everyone gets strait.

There is this insane band who goes by the term MGMT. they are 2 guys. And they fuck hardcore. And didn’t expect this this at all. My buddy Leslie was their manager at Williams. MGMT went hard af. I could not believe it. You still see it to this to this day. Unreal stuff.

I always found Duck Tales to be insane because if you ever swan dived into a pit of gold coins, you would absolutely die instantly. Like what was the thought process there??

Man I have had a heckuva day today. Arg. Both good and bad. I have had a week in a day. Gahhhh!!!

I have this really weird ability, and it sounds crazy, but I can, this sounds absurd, but just hear me out. I have this strange ability to speak with people through music. I know that sounds stupid and weird. But it’s true. And the people who can do that know exactly what I mean.

It’s sort of weird because I’m a huge human, nobody really wants to screw around with me. Like if someone starts up, I show up and they leave. And that’s great from my perspective. I don’t want to fight ever. It’s like great if the fight is won before it’s fought. Some Sun Tzu capital.

Growing up in Lake Forest, IL, one thing thing that was surreal was the sunken dining rooms. The houses were all built around the 1960’s. And everyone were all swingers. So you know how that goes. My parents immediately filled that thing in as soon as we bought the place No time for that nonsense

I don’t like *get* YouTubers because they constantly brag, I’m worth a bazillion dollars and then they give money to each other. Like, hi. Is anyone home? Maybe you could donate this to people who actually need it(?) idk who am I to know?

I used to live in Lake Forest, IL, which is where Halas Hall is and all the Chicago bears live there. The bears used to sleep in their garages the night before the game so they could get their bodies ready for the cold weather

I have this app on my phone from the Cornell University Lab of Ornithology where you can record bird noises and they use it to track migration patterns. Which is like p cool in the summer, but it’s completely useless in the winter when they all go south lol. There are just no birds around lol

I don’t understand 2 Chainz because he seems like a really cool guy but he also wears way more than 2 chains at any given time. It’s confusing to me lol.

Sometimes I wish I was attractive but then I remember that would involve me having to go to the gym and watching what I eat, so nuts to that

Walter Payton, who is famously a HOF RB for the Chicago Bears, was weirdly an excellent thrower. Dude had something like 8 passing TDs over his career. You wouldn’t expect that, but it’s true.

I just read a conspiracy theory that is blowing my mind. Tom Brady experimentally cloned his DNA 23 years ago in North Carolina. This is from the horse’s mouth Drake Maye (NE QB) is 23 years old out of North Carolina. Whaaaaaaaat?

One thing that is kind of cool about Florida is that, because it is incredibly flat, you can watch the rockets fly from Cape Canaveral across the state. You just go outside and be like, “oh there go the astronauts!” It’s sort of rad

I lived in Florida for a quick spell, it was the Tampa Bay area, and that was rather calm compared to like the Orlando or inland regions. And that was still just constant insanity. I literally don’t know how anyone can live there. It’s straight madness 24/7. Just constant insanity.

Florida: a gigantic state packed full of the most ridiculous humans on earth. How did they all find each other? It’s mindblowing. What exactly happened there where this could be the case? Anthropologists need to get on this.

Children are hilarious because they can just fall out of tree and go play baseball. If I fell out of a tree, I’d have to divulge my Trust & Will attorney’s name

I always played Fender guitars growing up and this one time in college, this kid had a Les Paul and man, that thing played like a ring. I can’t really describe how fresh the sound was, suffice to say, it was just. Idk. It was like drinking clear water aside from tap. I couldn’t believe it

I have been a fan of the band Interpol for years and there were 2 articles written about them. The first was a rolling stone about how after shows, each member would go do his own thing.

Dude one of the funniest places I have ever been to is the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. It is just constantly spinning around, which is rad, but the bathrooms are in the middle, which are stationary.

“I saw an ad that said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers!’ so I did. It was a load off my mind” -M. Hedberg

I think my funeral dirge should be “Fuckin’ Up” by Neil Young youtu.be/PHOAGEtOY0Q?...

I just read an article that Tom Brady’s current dog is a clone of his dog that died 2 years ago. I mean I love dogs and everything, but that seems a little weird to me idk. Wtf?