When my sister was an ER resident, she took us on a tour of the UW ER. And we get to this tiny room basically in a hallway with a metal table And she goes, “do NOT touch that table!!” And I’m like why? And she just says, “prions…”

My sister is an emergency room doctor and I once asked her what is the grossest thing she has ever seen and without missing a beat, she immediately said, “de-gloving” Do not under any circumstance look this up. It’s is absolutely stomach twistingly horrible. But this is what doctors have to do

There was this one time when I walked out from The Bitter End in NYC and there was just nothing. There were no cars, no people, no wind, just dead silence.

I have this very strange propension for languages and linguistics, but when someone says, ‘that’s Greek to me!’ I never understood it until I tried reading Greek.

I think being a terrible stand up comedian would be kind of cool Because if you suck enough, people will start throwing lettuce and tomatoes at you And you would just be like, hey free salad. Nice

Man, I just ‘took a nap’ and fell asleep for 12 straight hours. That’s not a nap, that’s a coma

The smallest country in the world amazingly, Vatican City, actually has a World Cup team. They have never qualified, but it’s hilarious because they are just a bunch of cardinals and Swiss guard. This is a real thing: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vatican...

Ironically, one of the things duct tape can’t fix are water ducts. It was originally used for air ducts.

Just a quick piece of advice: If you ever meet a big celebrity, don’t try to shake their hand. Just give them a quick fist bump. They appreciate this very much You just gotta trust me on this one

Wow GTA VI will cost $200. For digital. Good lord (Might still get it anyways)

Happy Father’s Day, motherfuckers!

So one of my sisters is an ER doctor and these are the craziest things she has told me: They surprisingly get people who have various objects lodged in their rectums quite frequently 1/x

Dude I got wicked hardcore called out tonight. I was wearing this jersey at this bar and this giant dude goes, oh are you a fan of the team? And I go yeah sure That’s cool because I am the starting midfielder And I was like, uhhh hm uh oh Anyways we got to be fast friends and we took a selfie

The Gay of Hormuz x.com/nypost/statu...

I love those little vitamin or pill bottles because when you are trying to open them, they are like, Oh hello! Would you like zero of these O̷̖͂Ŕ̴͇͇͙̣͈͓̺̎̑̂̚͠ ̷̰̺͙̩̺̙̹͓͊̂̉̾̏̈͛̈͠ͅA̵̢̛̲̦͉̦̿͊̐̾̎͌̄̕͠L̷̨̛̙̠̃́̓̐́̍͋L̶̙͗̂̅̌̚͠ ̸̤̣̠̗̗̠̯̈́́́͝ͅÓ̸̧͚̞͈̥̅̐̒͑̌͊̒͝F̸̡͓͇̻̈́̈́̔͆̈́̄̽͜͝ ̶̡̨̙̤̠̩̪̊́͋͂ͅT̴̛̛̯̥̍̊́̑̇̈̑H̶͈͕̤̰̠̹̪̓̈̈̆̅̃E̶̡͍̣̦̪͕͐͛͒͌̏͛͝M̵̢͚̮̭̩͔̾̍͐͝

There is this really crazy thing in comedy, where you can sell your jokes. And I had no idea about this If you are just some civilian and you have a knocker, some comedian will ask you to sell that joke.

There was this guy in 2007 who is an archeologist and he was sent into Lake Michigan to find shipwrecks (which are numerous) What he found was far more disturbing.

The news about Oliver Tree is just. Odd. Not thrilled

I got a reminder on my phone that today is Flag Day And I just kind of look at it, like, Okay? I have no idea what that is or why I would need a notification for that, but okay, sure Go Flags!! Keep on doing your thing!

Man, haggis is just offal #scotland #worldcup

Dude I’m not really sure why everyone is obsessed with going to Mars. Like right here on Earth, we have all this pretty cool stuff. Like, we have fireworks and water and boobs and air and this stuff. Seems alright to me.

I sort of love reading reports from the National Weather Service and stuff like that because they are always like: This Will Be The Worst El Niño In History And I’m like, well which one was the best? I didn’t realize there was a leaderboard

*builders creating the Sagrada Família* *looks at clock* Well, we got a little bit of time…

It must be weird to be a professional photographer because when people ask what you do for a living, it seems questionable to reply with, “I shoot celebrities…”

When did Hot Pockets lose the little heating jacket thing? Is this important? Should we be talking about this?

The difference between musicians and non-musicians is the pronunciation of the word ‘Moog’.

I can’t think I am the only person to think of creating an AI generated engine and naming it ‘Weird AI Yankovic’. I’m sure I would be sued in a split second, but it would still be hilarious and worth it.

I love the movie Pulp Fiction for a number of reasons, I recently saw this argument that blew my mind. So at the beginning of the movie, Vincent Vega goes to his dealer’s house to buy heroin…

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

if you’re so smart, why didn’t you get born into a wealthy family?

*pretty sure this is how it went* Yeah so anyways, he’s a spider Okay? And he has super long legs Um, okay? So let’s call them Daddy Long Legs Look I have a dinner reservation in 20 minutes so let’s wrap this up

[at craps table] ME: *rolls snake eyes* PIT BOSS: sir you’re supposed to use dice

So. Supposedly. Scientists have been using AI to communicate with various animal species. And all I have to say is, we have been over this:

I recently learned that the very famous Trevi Fountain in Rome, Italy, is still, to this minute, still filled by the aqueducts which were built 2,000 years ago. Man, those cats were up to something or another.

Man, all this stuff about a meteorite dropping in Massachusetts Bay is sort of messing with me The odds of it landing in the water rather than land are essentially infinite Had that landed a couple miles west, Boston would be a memory right now.

Soccer is sort of a hilarious sport to me because even though everyone has arms, someone was just like, “well, what if we invented a sport where you can’t use them?” And everyone just sort of went along with that

I have had a dog for basically my entire life and there is a reason why they take your spot on the couch or bed. It is not because they are acting out. It is because your scent is comforting to them. Once I learned this I was like, uh oh. Well, I am never going to move her ever again.

Man, I have been rich and I have been poor. I gotta say, being rich is fun af. I have also been thin af and fat as shit. Being thin was fun. Nobody likes when I say this: but here we go Being rich and thin is the game.

I love the fact that an animal called a ‘Dung Beetle’ exists. Why are they just carrying around poop all day long? I could Google it, but frankly, I’d rather not know.

I am a gigantic human by nature. You know what’s fun about being a huge human? Fucken nothing Have fun ducking under doors. And man, enjoy taking public transportation with your kneecaps in your nostrils This is what we deal with

I kind of have this hilarious issue wherein one of my best friends is this hugely famous celebrity, which is great (whatever).

I have a really dumb question, that is seemingly very innocuous, but it is something that I can’t really fathom: If you are a fiction writer, how do you come up with characters’ names?

I love the sport of baseball. Because at the most rudimentary level, it is just: someone throws a rock at you and you deflect it with a stick Now that doesn’t sound very crazy. But you have to understand that seemingly every human has a preternatural ability to do this. 1/2

I have a really stupid question for anyone who is well-versed with guitar: why do we use our less dominant hand to use the neck? I mean wouldn’t it make more sense to do the opposite?

STILL WAITING ON THE CATS DIRECTOR’S CUT WITH THE BUTTHOLES PLEASE

I think I’m going to start smoking pot again. I mean, since yesterday

I just found out about these two tortoises who fight every day because 120 years ago, one of them stole food from the other one. Man talk about holding a grudge.

In LOTR, since the Ringwraiths were apparently scared of water, why didn’t they just trap them on an island somewhere? Boom, problem solved

Keeping Up with the Doordashians

Alright so I’ve been alive for a considerable amount of time now, but something still inoculates my brain: Super Mario Brothers Is it pronounced Mar-i-oh or Marry-o? I don’t know if this will ever be settled