You there. I want you to say, aloud, at some point today "I'm really glad I'm good at..." And then you're gonna say something you think you do pretty well. If you don't think you do anything pretty well, I want you to say "one little thing that makes me unique is..." And if you can't do either?

Giving my legs the day off *staying in bed

Do you talk to your eggs while you cook them or are you a cunt?

I was really betting on that asteroid

Welp. Gonna need more paper towels.

This reality is far too real for my liking

You can't play video games all day unless you start in the morning

I would do absolutely anything to sleep better except go to bed at a reasonable hour be serious please

Esther’s in the hospital and asked me to bring her something to eat. She says the hospital food is testing her will to live. So, of course I took her something home made because we need her alive for our yearly bingo tournament.

Running late to the 10 o’clock mass because I stayed up late watching a Hallmark movie. Apparently, a big city girl and a handsome hometown hero really can find love!

Sometimes I ask your mom to dress slutty and I take her to Walmart to show her off…

today’s mood

Pouring milk over a bowl of leftover candy

you're like that secret track on an album

Hello Darkness my old friend, soon you’ll start at 4pm.

where is the breakfast candy

I always run my fingers thru random mens’ hairs when I greet them I give it a little tug at the root and stick my tongue in their ear As friends.

happy november

The walk of shame

Supermarket Sweep made grocery shopping look a lot more fun than it is

the lion does not concern himself with the random scary pains that become more frequent the older he gets

I hate going to see Dr. McIntyre. Seems like I go in for one problem and I come out on seventeen different pills and a low-sodium-no-taste diet. At this rate, I need a pill organizer the size of a suitcase!

I, too, am looking for the old woman who will speak to me of my fate upon looking at the scar where the wolf bit me

Deep Vein Trombone Sis.

Aimee Mann's "Save Me" is playing at this cafe in the Azores If I learned anything from the films of Paul Thomas Anderson, at least five other people around the world are hearing it at this very moment and sharing my melancholy

Roberta in 3b is so cheap, for Halloween last year she bought Necco wafers and passed them out like she was Father Connelly giving communion

HILDY JOHNSON TOLD ESTHER YORK THAT I USED THE STORE BRAND "MIRACLE WHIP" IN MY TUNA SALAD. I NEVER SAID A WORD WHEN SHE USED TURKEY INSTEAD OF BEEF IN HER "FAMOUS" CHILI

Why call it "insomnia" when "midnight scroll" is right there?

My cousin Tilly was quite a handsome woman and she had herself a nice roommate named Jo

Enjoying my Bradenton Florida vacation but I don’t much care for sand getting in my crevices. You can get a pretty nasty rash if you don’t clean it all out

If there’s one thing I miss about having a man around the house, it’s getting my pickle jar opened

Feed a cold ...cheeseburgers!

My dog just came over and put her head on my shoulder and for a moment, everything was pertect

Female dragonflies fake their own death to avoid mating with an unwanted partner and frankly, I’m inspired by that level of self care

I figure if I read On the Road while roosting quietly the starlings will invite me to join their murmuration

Trudy won’t stop bragging about her “DOCTOR SON” but I found out from Judith that he’s just a chiropractor. A back cracker isn’t gonna be saving any lives, that’s for sure.

There are three kinds of people in this world. Avoid them at all costs.

Emotional exhaustion should burn more calories

Edna “accidentally” tripped over her walker and landed face down in Earl’s lap. Rumor has it, he’s taking her to the Olive Garden for lunch tomorrow. How did Edna get so lucky? That one time I fell, I got nothing but a broken hip!

If I follow you, it's because I like your account (not just because you follow me). I want to find more people so, if I follow you, tell me someone else I should follow because they're similar to you.

[knock knock] "Who is it?"

Reverse cowgirl, so I can maintain plausible deniability

Me: I don't mean to brag but, this one time when I was 10 my teacher said I had potential, if only I would focus and put the effort in. Police Officer: Ma'am, I need you to place your hands behind your back. You are being detained for…

Wanda went to that belly dancing class at the senior center and now she finds any reason she can to “practice” her moves. She wears that blasted jingle belt and with those big hips, you can’t even hear your story on the tv