When amazing people die, I bow my head and say a little swear because they didn’t take me with them.

(repeated smashing of forehead to wall sounds) Arrrrgghhhgghahhh

I think I’m gonna have two fucking bagels about it

“No worries,” I say, from the fetal position.

Just found out that Bluesky is all about connecting with others and I am livid

Sex so good you make a mess of your neighbors bed

etsy witches, i see what you’ve done for others… 🔮

I don’t care what you were reading -autorefresh

(Me, jumping out of an airplane and nosediving until I reach your altitude to catch up to you, the person who jumped before me) "Are you mad at me?"

I don’t care what you were reading -autorefresh

You’re not buying a mattress? *Labor Day police

Making a beer can shrine around myself

Might fade slowly into the background soon

This social media site will not and cannot succeed until everybody pats me on the head and tells me I’m a good boy for all my opinions

blah

It's just not the same when you're not around............

I'm so old I actually go into a Starbucks to order

(Me, jumping out of an airplane and nosediving until I reach your altitude to catch up to you, the person who jumped before me) "Are you mad at me?"

There is no closure to loss. You just get more experienced at carrying it with you.

Basically you just spend your whole life moving stuff around.

Everyone kinda likes bowling, but not that much.

My superpower is how quickly my days are totally ruined.

It would be kind of messed up if we find out bananas can feel pain.

🖤💞

Me *every day*: I guess it's just one of those days.

Listen to your heart . . . but don't believe everything it says, sometimes your heart's full of shit.

I think one day all the shit I post on social media, will be held against me in a court of law.

How many times must I pretend to have a psychotic episode before the neighbors stop trying to make awkward small talk with me?

Monsters look exactly like people.

Just did hot yoga in the shower and this is either sexually arousing or absolutely disgusting

I put my pants on like everybody else; kicking, screaming and crying

Sometimes I'm so disgusted with my fellow human beings that I wind up accidentally feeling ok about myself.

Wrote a letter to Santa and asked for Ibuprofen

Can’t walk so well anymore but he’s ready to go

Just did hot yoga in the shower and this is either sexually arousing or absolutely disgusting

Live so incredibly that all those mother fucking haters will be kissing your ass for a piece

*using the diaper pale to rob a bank* THIS IS A STINK UP

There is a grown man in this grocery store and he is yelling at his elderly mom and I have no idea how my foot ended up in his ass?

Been wearing a sports bra for so long, putting on a regular one feels like legal separation

Some like seeing you unravel because it makes them feel more comfortable, not recognizing that stability and resilience doesn’t mean never unraveling, but rather, the ability to unravel, put it behind you, and start kicking ass again the next day.

Is there anything the US manufactures like trauma

life sure can be a lot

I’m not interesting and I don’t have a novel point of view, but I will rearrange words in a way that may not completely waste your time

I am anxiety

First date idea: You pick me up at the bar and drop me off at my house.

just heard the bell toll, don't give a fuck who that's for, not my business

Hell yea I'm a lot of fun!! As long as you leave me alone I'm a total blast.

My retirement plan is dying and my funeral plan is to tell the family not to claim my body. Follow me for more money saving tips