Imagine hating me and I’m just over here cleaning up the beach after people left all their trash everywhere on the 4th.

I haven’t dreaded going to work after a Fourth of July this much since I did billing and coding for Fire Departments/EMS like 15 years ago.

How I’m responding to everyone hating on Taylor today

Fucka penalty shoot out

I don’t know who made this but thank you.

Wonder kid said bloop

Is this a safe space to talk shit about Katy Perry? Cause that was awful.

I’m bored and I’m gonna be really annoying about it

Nextdoor is so funny to me cause these Boomers live in the sticks and then still feel like they have to announce it to other people that live in the sticks that they saw a bear/mountain lion/coyote like it’s news.

Settle a debate for me? If your last day at one job is on a Friday, and you start your next job on the following Monday, are you unemployed?

why would i ever be alone with my own thoughts when i could read a book and be alone with someone else's thoughts?

IT’S MY LAST DAY AT THIS JOB!!

You ever care about something so much that you just keep dealing with the bullshit but then finally just hit your max and then you’re just… done? All the care and give a shit just *Poofs* gone.

New employee quit after two days🥲

I gave my employers three weeks notice when I accepted my new job offer and they gave me four day to train who was going to take over all of my accounts. Send coffee and cough drops cause I’m going to talk more in the next four days than I have in four months

I think sinuses are proof of either evolution or malice. These are not the work of a benevolent creator.

Got a job offer that I’m v v excited about 💪

Does mint tea still settle your stomach if you can’t taste it?

How long after an interview is it appropriate to send them a follow up email saying thanks for meeting with you etc etc?

My boss: how are you feeling? Me: My doctor said I’d live Boss: You sound back to normal

Can’t taste anything but sour stuff so guess I’m just going to live off Nerd Gummy Clusters for the time being

If you’ve never had sinus surgery you don’t know the relief and sense of accomplishment that comes with getting a pile of junk out of a sinus four days post-op

Just to keep things interesting I scheduled an interview the day before my surgery. They’re gonna see me at peak anxiety levels. If they don’t like me at my worst they don’t deserve me at my best or whatever

The people who think Tylenol gave people autism have clearly never taken Tylenol because then they’d know it’s actually worthless and doesn’t do shit.

Human tails? Humans don't have tails. They have big, big bottoms that they wear with bad shorts. They walk around going, 'Hi, Helen'

I sold a couple more books on Pango and all my reviews are always like “SUPER FAST SHIPPING” and really it’s just because the Post Office is right next to my coffee stand and now I have an excuse for more coffee

What app is missing the “Well Acctuuaalllyyy” Bros? Cause that’s the one I want to be on.

Why does my dog look like that little dude from Labyrinth?

So I ate a gummy. And then I didn’t feel anything so I ate another gummy. I’ll either be passed out in thirty minutes or talking a lot of shit. TBD

Every time I do one of these nasal rinses I think about saving it and sending it to my enemies. Like if I’m going to have a sinus infection for 6 months I gotta try to find *some* joy in it right?

I really could be meaner and I don’t think you all appreciate that enough

My doctor coming to tell me my labs are all normal

Nothing like a good ol crash out to mark the start of gardening season

My new threat to people who screw with my friends is to show them all my sinus discharge after having a massive sinus infection since November

I wish I was more of the influencer type because I’m pretty sure I could make a killing off of recording myself talking shit to my computer all day.

If you don’t have a channel in your Discord dedicated to poetry, what are you even doing with your life?

New rage bait unlocked is when people type and delete shit 85 times on Teams

Reading Robert Frost, found a good one and thought I’d share

I dislike most people as a general rule. But I’ve never gone into a pot store and not immediately wanted to hang out with the people who work there. This definitely means that more people should eat a gummy or smoke a joint so I can hate them less.

If you don’t tell your coffee that you love it every morning after your first sip, you probably don’t deserve it.

Them: Beware the ides of March Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Has anyone ever used an Orthotic appliance for their TMJ? Wondering how you feel about it, did it work? Did you see improvement? I probably should have asked before buying the damn thing but too late for that.

I’m reading a book about magic and cats, it’s kind of perfect.

One of my bffs served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and he came back very haunted. He has been gone about 10 years now and his memory has been weighing on me the last few days. I miss him all the time but I’m glad he can’t see we’re back over there ruining more lives.

If you ever start grinding your teeth so bad that you get TMJ, go see your dentist immediately. Do not put it off. If you do you’ll end up spending tens of thousands of $$ on getting your teeth fixed and bite corrected. -signed someone who raw dogged it and is now spending tens of thousands of $$

When all else fails, eat Starburst Jellybeans about it.

Muttering to myself “I don’t get paid enough for this bullshit” for the 10th time already today.

My sleep score was 27 last night in case you were wondering 🫠

My favorite thing is when I’m stuck on hold with an insurance company (going on 1 hour and 10 minutes here) and people just keep calling in over and over and don’t leave a voicemail. Please… just make my life even more annoying.

YOU ASKED FOR THIS! Downfall. Kristi Noem Edition: