Got a job offer that I’m v v excited about 💪

Does mint tea still settle your stomach if you can’t taste it?

How long after an interview is it appropriate to send them a follow up email saying thanks for meeting with you etc etc?

My boss: how are you feeling? Me: My doctor said I’d live Boss: You sound back to normal

Can’t taste anything but sour stuff so guess I’m just going to live off Nerd Gummy Clusters for the time being

If you’ve never had sinus surgery you don’t know the relief and sense of accomplishment that comes with getting a pile of junk out of a sinus four days post-op

Just to keep things interesting I scheduled an interview the day before my surgery. They’re gonna see me at peak anxiety levels. If they don’t like me at my worst they don’t deserve me at my best or whatever

The people who think Tylenol gave people autism have clearly never taken Tylenol because then they’d know it’s actually worthless and doesn’t do shit.

Human tails? Humans don't have tails. They have big, big bottoms that they wear with bad shorts. They walk around going, 'Hi, Helen'

I sold a couple more books on Pango and all my reviews are always like “SUPER FAST SHIPPING” and really it’s just because the Post Office is right next to my coffee stand and now I have an excuse for more coffee

What app is missing the “Well Acctuuaalllyyy” Bros? Cause that’s the one I want to be on.

Why does my dog look like that little dude from Labyrinth?

So I ate a gummy. And then I didn’t feel anything so I ate another gummy. I’ll either be passed out in thirty minutes or talking a lot of shit. TBD

Every time I do one of these nasal rinses I think about saving it and sending it to my enemies. Like if I’m going to have a sinus infection for 6 months I gotta try to find *some* joy in it right?

I really could be meaner and I don’t think you all appreciate that enough

My doctor coming to tell me my labs are all normal

Nothing like a good ol crash out to mark the start of gardening season

My new threat to people who screw with my friends is to show them all my sinus discharge after having a massive sinus infection since November

I wish I was more of the influencer type because I’m pretty sure I could make a killing off of recording myself talking shit to my computer all day.

If you don’t have a channel in your Discord dedicated to poetry, what are you even doing with your life?

New rage bait unlocked is when people type and delete shit 85 times on Teams

Reading Robert Frost, found a good one and thought I’d share

I dislike most people as a general rule. But I’ve never gone into a pot store and not immediately wanted to hang out with the people who work there. This definitely means that more people should eat a gummy or smoke a joint so I can hate them less.

If you don’t tell your coffee that you love it every morning after your first sip, you probably don’t deserve it.

Them: Beware the ides of March Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Has anyone ever used an Orthotic appliance for their TMJ? Wondering how you feel about it, did it work? Did you see improvement? I probably should have asked before buying the damn thing but too late for that.

I’m reading a book about magic and cats, it’s kind of perfect.

One of my bffs served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and he came back very haunted. He has been gone about 10 years now and his memory has been weighing on me the last few days. I miss him all the time but I’m glad he can’t see we’re back over there ruining more lives.

If you ever start grinding your teeth so bad that you get TMJ, go see your dentist immediately. Do not put it off. If you do you’ll end up spending tens of thousands of $$ on getting your teeth fixed and bite corrected. -signed someone who raw dogged it and is now spending tens of thousands of $$

When all else fails, eat Starburst Jellybeans about it.

Muttering to myself “I don’t get paid enough for this bullshit” for the 10th time already today.

My sleep score was 27 last night in case you were wondering 🫠

My favorite thing is when I’m stuck on hold with an insurance company (going on 1 hour and 10 minutes here) and people just keep calling in over and over and don’t leave a voicemail. Please… just make my life even more annoying.

YOU ASKED FOR THIS! Downfall. Kristi Noem Edition:

You know you have a chronic illness when you finish your prednisone prescription and are just excited to be able to take ibuprofen again.

Read some books in February. Not sure what I read in the one titled Bunny, but otherwise a decent month for good books.

My elder millennial ass is so tired.

Just had a very “wow… all is quiet in their frontal lobe” moment listening to someone and I can’t guarantee my face didn’t say what my mouth couldn’t.

I don’t know how I forgot how awful prednisone tastes. Why haven’t they put this bitch in a capsule form yet?

I can feel my heartbeat in my face today. So that’s fun.

There’s this thing with being chronically ill where you never want to go to the doctor because A. They’ll tell you it’s nothing, or 2. You’ve put it off so long because you’re use to dealing with bullshit that you end up walking away with four scripts, a CT scan and possibly the need for surgery.

Get in Losers! We’re doing cold plunges in our hard pants!

New hoodie arrived 💅

SEAHAWKS BABYY!!!

Did anyone catch what Bad Bunny’s football said right at the end of his performance? (Please tell me it said fuck ICE)

There’s two people in this situation, the person asking for help and the person judging the other person for asking for help. Only one of them is an asshole worth bullying and it’s not the person asking for help.

I have unlocked a new pet peeve. Bad medical billers. I swear to god stop making shit worse. The field already sucks without your damn help.

I just watched a video of a chick approaching a dog and the dog’s human had to yell at her “SHE’S NOT FRIENDLY” and I feel that.