Whatever you hear tomorrow I regret nothing.

What was going on in the brain of whoever designed this aggressively useless display.

These days I can’t even pick up my iPhone without feeling like Apple has complete contempt for me.

Oh no my 6-year-old hyperscale data center can’t get any more updates so I can only use it for reading books and watching movies.

Confession

If I have the exact right amount of things to do, I’m fine. A tiny bit more or less than that, I’m exhausted.

Every science article has to begin and end with an explanation of what science is and why it’s important now. We’re screwed.

Looksmaxxing is just avoiding developing a decent personality as a full-time job.

Get behind me, Satan. CONGA!

“AI is being used to steal crypto” every headline sounds like massive head trauma now.

In honor of the deregulation of weed my cognitive skills will be half off all day.

Walking around work all day with a blob of paint on my face so everyone is uncomfortable talking to me.

Gritty throwing one billionaire after another off the upper deck, the cheering deafening.

once worked with a guy who also worked at the post office and i asked him why can’t u just put the address u want to send ur letter to as the return address and drop it off without a stamp and he got real quiet

(The streets of DC run red with the blood of its citizens) It’s hard to explain to those who don’t live and work here why this is bad…

They do this every year!

“AI is here, so we have no choice but to accept it” so are immigrants and trans people, but I guess that’s a skill issue

*kid walks by wearing a case of beer as shorts* i should do laundry

Tried to feed a stray orange kitten but it was too sick to eat so I took it to the vet and she told me it was a ball of yarn?

Not a country music fan, but this is 🔥

Mystic traveler, he's the unraveler And he will always bring you safely home

The correct response to being blocked by bsky staff is “The Aristocrats”.

G raphic U ser I n her face

I found out this ‘unhoused’ baby is neutered, vaccinated, has an outdoor heated house, eats at several houses, and ‘doesn’t like people’. lol he always lets me pet him.

it is interesting for some folks how you can mark the exact moment that you know "oh, I'm going to have to tolerate you instead of like you"

ever since i was a little boy, i’ve always dreamed of being placed on administrative leave.

Never throw out your phone with the pool water.

Most of the time the antidote is to simply stop taking the poison

If you work for bluesky you probably shouldn’t post like a tree branch fell on your head.

my favorite song is you laughing

It turns out flavored coffee creamer is an even worse habit than smoking.

Might become an online pundit and post the most obvious, rudimentary observations in dissertation-speak.

As a catholic grade school kid I did summer school at the Methodist church one year and they invited an Ethiopian family to feed us their native food one day. It was AMAZING. 1970 religion was 🔥.

my wife and i decided to do the hall pass thing she picked the mailman so i have also picked the mailman game on

Executive order renaming asbestos Freedom Fiber.

Because you should hear this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUSj...

I saw four goth kids were sitting outside against the brick wall of a CVS yesterday like they were waiting for The Cure

Might interact with some individuals today we’ll see.

the lingerie section of that mall department store should be called IntiMacy's

Just yoinked a jammed door open at a break-in investigation in about 2 minutes without damaging anything, feeling very pleased with myself right now.

Executive order renaming asbestos Freedom Fiber.

Home stereo built entirely of car stereo components in custom wood cabinets.

My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood 12YO: "Gay neighborhood?" 15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

How To Control Everything: 1) First, destroy anything you can’t control. 2) That’s better.

When a coworker gets fanatical kudos for a job you know was objectively mid at best, it kind of puts any compliments you’ve received into a different context.

I got an interview at Amazon. It’s sometime in the next 4-12 weeks.

RIP Bob Kevoian, naturally hilarious dude.

my grandma has a tuna casserole recipe that’s so complicated it requires a car ride to a second grandma’s house.

Driving around in a rented mobile billboard that says “AAAAAAAAA…” on one side and “…AAHHHHHGG” on the other.