Why is Elon’s fantasy woman so sweaty? Does she have a fever?

Turns out the song Fuck Shit Stack was quite prescient.

(me, after realizing something fairly obvious) I must tell the ignorant masses of my great discovery!

Most of the day to day business of being alive is cringe so just do what you gotta do.

Medical debt is a test and if you pay it down you fail

“It’s going to be okay” People will say anything on this app,, no it isn’t that’s not true.

All the maga dudes I know have *serious* anger management problems.

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Whatever career field was the hottest 20 years ago is where all the middle aged psychopaths are now.

If your doctor’s office has a tv on in the waiting room they should waive your copay.

Is the universe accelerating or not, make up your damn minds because I got shit to do.

The display on my very old Bose Wave Radio is intermittent now, it’s like the dementia of radios.

To disrespect a tree is to disrespect oneself and you can quote me on that

Are women ruining my sandwich? The answer might surprise you!

US Christians are pissed that Israel stopped bombing before bringing about The End Times.

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

now on paper-view

(republicans after 2026 election) Lol jk, you guys are alright, we cool?

Ross Douthat, sitting at his laptop trying to type another banger, but he can’t because he’s laughing so hard tears and snot are running down his face.

boss: (pointing to motivational poster) this is why i work me: that is me crying boss: haha yeah

Can't come tonight. Hangover. Yeah, I don't want to hang. It's over.

porpoises are so well evolved to be cool little water guys and humans are barely ready to be bipedal

(the first college students) This sucks let’s play football.

my boss: hey so–and you're not in trouble–did you refer to one of our customers as a "black lodge entity" the other day?

Reading what political pundits write is the equivalent of huffing 1-1/2 cans of spray paint a day.

Now offering girlfriend experience: For $50 I smoke all your weed and ask you to drive me home cause your apartment smells like a wet ferret

It’s good to ask questions, unless you have 5 or more then it’s terrible.

the entire twitter and group chat poisoned elite of American society who decided Trump winning an election by 1.5% heralded a thousand year reich may have miscalculated a bit

If a Democrat gets elected dogcatcher it’s the end of civilization for these weirdos.

I would vote for a rabid raccoon if it would make lots of shitheads leave my city.

Some day they should make pain meds available to regular people instead of just criminals.

Every time I turn around he’s warning that everything is on the verge of going straight to hell, and yet somehow people think he’s doing a good job?

You shouldn’t leave me unsupervised all day if you don’t want something painted 😇

against my better judgment i still have pride in my work

First time D&D player: What is “psychic damage?” Me: Okay, have you ever been to the airport

The Count of Sesame Street fame has died. He was 97. Ah ah ah. I'm Dave Mattingly this is NPR News.

Down, and to the left…

Can’t wait for the Steven Wilson remake of The Archies’ Sugar, Sugar.

Dink Chafey.

The collapse of society is going to be so fucking profitable for me, a person who definitely understands economics.

I’m not really a 70s sitcom fan my haircut is just a coincidence.

It’s extremely hard to get a meeting with the people who are holding my entire life savings, seems bad.

Remembering Wallace Shawn from The Princess Bride is somehow even worse than remembering him from Young Sheldon.

Your wife should never "look for a job." As a man it's your duty to start a business and hire your wife

Everyone in my house is chronically late. I come from a dyspunctual family.

Having a good laugh remembering how all the adult staff in Youth For Christ/Campus Life when I was a teen were cheating on their spouses & partners with each other.

Remind me not to go outside without my official government papers granting me permission to be outside.

Are November gales really a threat to Great Lakes ships? Here's the answer Also known as the "witches" of November, they occur between mid-October and mid-December, when storm tracks collide over the Great Lakes, www.hollandsentinel.com/story/news/2...

Award Winning Trophy Store Accidentally Sells Its Award