The Olympics are continuous now. The athletes train during the commercials. They still don’t get paid.

Pancakes are boys and waffles are girls.

You seem like a guy who puts masking tape on wall cracks then paints over it.

Telling people to cook frozen pizza directly on an oven rack is one of the all-time great trolls.

And to wake up lonely is your deepest dread So you stay connected by a tiny thread

One more maga chud in the news with a comically stupid name like Dingus or Buttram and I’m gonna shut this whole simulation down.

It’s nice to pat a booty.

There has to be a practical limit to how long you can motivate a mob with grievances alone.

I wasn’t lying, I was wordsmaxxing.

you literally have to just get over yourself everyday

Caught a man cold bug RIP me.

(a feral cat wanders into my yard) Me: I come in peace. I have tuna.

Every cat yearns for the noble caress of a lesbian

Like we can’t just shut down everything he has created and take his name off everywhere he put it.

Enough of this Darren Stevens bullshit get off women’s asses about using their magic powers for whatever they want.

What if Romeo and Juliet were insufferable assholes? Wuthering Heights™.

I estimate we’re about 6 months away from fascists whipping out their dicks and waving them around on camera.

I feel an indescribable rapture in my soul and yet an inability to love actively. Has anyone run into this? EDIT: Nvm figured it out

Oopsie we did a United Fruit Company on ourselves.

you are not your thoughts, you are not your feelings, you are not your senses, you are combination of all those things and it’s important to develop your ability to remain in the center of that entire information stream. It’s a skill issue.

Somehow political commentary became indistinguishable from Amazon product descriptions.

Spice things up by submitting pto requests to companies you don’t work for

Whenever I feel alone I try to remind myself that my parents are looking down on me with love and hoping that one day I’ll find happiness with a special someone, and that when I do I’ll finally let them out of the attic.

Help me doc, I saw a big butt and I didn’t get sprung.

I miss Aldus Pagemaker.

Now that I think about it a lot of our problems could be solved by saying “okay” then punching someone in the fucking face.

REPORTER: Sir, can you tell us what happened with the elephant? ME: (huddled in a space blanket) Of course: I was minding my business when the beast grabbed me with its trunk. My penis, exposed for unrelated reasons, functioned as a sort of axel by which I was rotated like a holiday noisemaker

Wow.

do not go all willy-nilly into that good night

my tech stack is sharp rock, fire, sharp stick, hat

THE HISTORY CHANNEL: curiously, if we study the ancient illustrations in the Kama Sutra, we can see that these supposed primitives have invented the Wheelbarrow Position. this is not something i could have thought of myself and my wife agrees, which raises the question: aliens?

during commercials they should let me go down the bobsled track in my laundry basket

I love to walk down an overgrown woodland path that gradually becomes less and less of a path as it goes on until I emerge howling from a dense thicket on the far side of the country several weeks later

I had forgotten that Boo Radley was Robert Duvall’s first movie role. Amazing actor.

You’re not the first to underestimate how much I can fuck around without finding anything out.

(Summer, 2069) Oh hey is it Bryan Adams Day already?

If it takes your whole life to pay off your student debt what you have there is a subscription to a college degree.

Monday morning and a coworker already tried begging me to bring my drafting tools to work so he can use them for work. Way to puss me off first thing dipshit.

I refuse to understand acronyms anymore, they’re the turds in the punch bowl of communication.

YES cover of Simon & Garfunkel's 'America'

I’m pretty sure Apple is overestimating how much we want things to be thinner.

hope is stubbornness in heels

Sometimes in my dreams I’m a different person who is also me.

PARTY GUEST: and what do you do? ME: I’m a werewolf PARTY GUEST: ooh of the London werewolves? *awkward silence* ME: no

We need a Robert Stack for the 21st century. We need a new dude who is so serious it scares the shit out of you

My main impression of adults, when I was a kid, was that they think they can accomplish anything just by being mean. In hindsight, yeah.

The awful people building our new dystopia will be the first to run away when it falls apart.

England Damn and John Ford Coolit.

What if we reinvented the Magic 8-Ball but it costs trillions of dollars and destroys the planet.