himbo implies the feminine objective pronoun bim

is everyone drinking champagne at parties walking around holding in farts

My 5 year plan is to be a stock photography model who sits at the beach with a laptop that isn't on

if my enemy dies, of course I will immediately acknowledge the best part about them: being dead

he's a ten but he'll shred your fitted sheets with his heel calluses

when leftists die are conservatives like "don't expect me to shed any tears for someone who spent their life fighting to GIVE ME HEALTHCARE ugh"

Do they still forcibly institutionalize people? If so, what do I need to do to make this happen?

i accomplished nothing this weekend mission accomplished

That picture of Mitch is about as convincing of your 2021 Facetuned Twitter profile picture

sexting you with two spaces after every period

dreaming while you sleep is just vacation for poor people

pronouncing come like comb and dome like dumb

That Mitch McConnell newspaper sayin’ something about “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet”

Depression is just a long term relationship with a near death experience.

The part in Single Ladies when they say "now put your hands up" is when they stop and rob a bank.

Me: *committing the details of the "impossible" mission to memory* Tiny speaker: This poodle will self-destruct in five seconds... Me: Wait, what?

correct you if you’re wrong?? bitch this is the internet i’ll correct you even if youre right

Russia when they get away with killing a senator

pretty interesting that you can get banned for jerking off in a Waymo even though you’re the only one in there

You just created a thousand lindsay grahams… a lindsay kilograham if u will

They killed Lindsay to distract us from the Epstein files

Funeral is about to set a record for the most floral arrangements sent anonymously

*blowing cigarette smoke right in the face of everyone who just woke up to the news* "We already did all the jokes"

The Trojan horse thing wouldn’t have worked on me. I could tell it wasn’t a real horse

kill lindsey graham ? 🤔

Lindsey Graham spoke with Mitch McConnell for about 20 minutes this morning

was it the diarrhea

James Woods outed as a pedo McConnell brain dead Graham dead Like damn I was not expecting these bangers from the year 2026

im working on this thing i call PTSD (Pill Tracking System, Dummy) that lets you know if you already took your meds . good luck, me 🤞🏼

You’ve got to praise your dog like they’ve ended world hunger every time they bring you a stick or a ball or a bit of laundry those are the rules

I like how cats are cute but also they carry knives on their feet and mouths.

I have a serious condition that makes me skeptical of everyone except for men who are full of shit

Verify my age? Motherfucker, im on bluesky

One banana peel on the steps of Air Force One and the nightmare stops

seedless grapes ? what’s next, pitted olives ahahahahah gtfo

putting together IKEA furniture, thinking about KJÏLLING myself

Constantly tell waitstaff and tennis players "Thank you for your service."

In the same way that my grandmother hoarded cookie tins, I have the box to every iPhone I’ve ever owned

Can't start an email with "Babies and Gentlemen"; can't answer the phone with a Bane impression in a LaCroix can--I hate it here

Tbh if I had to speak on the phone with anyone for 20 minutes I would also die.

sorry for being so overly enthusiastic when you asked if I had any regrets

explosive diarrhea sun radioactive shrimp moon data center rare bacteria rising

my aloof ass trying to survive in the attention economy

changed my gps to my dad’s voice and now it just says “we don’t need directions i know where i’m going” and “we’re not lost we’re taking the scenic route”

Naming my child "anything" so when I tell them they can be anything when they grow up, I don't have to lie

Sometimes I don't even finish reading your skeet. I just repost it so I can get on with the rest my life

Shuffling the org chart is a great way to avoid dealing with the actual problems.

I love you you have ruined me for all others (stranger’s dog licking my face)

*being murdered in my home* take your shoes off *being murdered in public* no,not like that