Getting freaky friday’d with trump would be the worst cuz you know he’s going to shit your pants minute 1

there's this video where this little kid is running down a hill, hits the side of a car, impact makes a huge sound, kid falls down, and yells, "i'm okay!" so anyway, I'm okay. are you okay?

"it always gets worse before it gets better" you guys are having it better?

Bluesky taught me the joy of blocking. I block people everywhere now. I just blocked an ex boyfriend on duolingo. I can't stop.

well well well if if if it it it isn't isn't isn't an an an echo echo echo inside inside inside this this this well well well

Officially taken “living the dream” out of my vernacular

I do not respond well to people ignoring me or paying attention to me.

i quit pumpkin spice i'm on the patch

It was the worst of times. It was the stupidest of times.

23 days until Halloween 🎃

I think the mistake here is that you keep threatening me with a bad time

“If u like piña coladas…”

saturday morning cartoons be like, “let’s put a leather daddy in it…for the children”

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

PATRIOTS HOLD ONTO THE BALL CHALLENGE

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

My boy said he’s a ball knower but didn’t know about bofa. He failed the ligmas test. 😭

A lobotomy is an operation to remove one of the wolves inside of you

Listen, if you get cups from a cupboard, I don't think it's my fault for misunderstanding what a headboard is for.

Women laugh when a guy doesn’t have a bed frame but bed frames are responsible for 30% of all male penis injuries. Maybe think before you judge, ladies.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Whitehouse press release: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

give me the death note i can be trusted

watch a little news 🎶 🎵shed some little tears feel sad tonight 🎶

If you send a dick pic to your smart fridge, it will order eggplants for you

🎶 when I grow up I wanna be heinous ❤️

I’m chugging so much water I feel like a data center

leaving your old job: very hehe realizing you still need to earn money to live: not hehe

hello my maybe hello my funny hello my bluesky world

I'm not like other girls (I'm a cryptid)

“i wasn’t raised to be shellfish” - imitation crab

Everything is decidedly NOT coming up Milhouse

homie smoked that shit & said gravity is just peer pressure from earth

Everyday is the same headline: WORLD BURNS: YOU ARE STILL GOING TO WORK TODAY.

it's not that you're unlovable it's just you're no calzone don't take it personally

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I feel personally victimized by the headline I just saw: "Pickleball is kind of a big dill"

Don’t be a soup nazi… be a soup commie That’s not your soup, that’s OUR soup Pass me the ladle, comrade!

Only 9 hours left in the work day, no point in starting something new

please don't make jokes about Joe Camel dying from lung cancer

A lot of self proclaimed centrists are really upset about losing a far right YouTuber and I think that says a lot about today's state of politics

Mom did not appreciate the 9/11 wreath I made

The girl with the imagine dragons tattoo

Us: we need to be able to save drafts! Also us: "if I had two buttholes I would use one for pooping and keep the other one pristine and fresh for display purposes" aaaaaand post

Americans be like: wHaT’s LeFtOvEr BaCoN

give me liberty or give me unalive!

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

Guys be like "🔥🔥🔥" on Instagram instead of going to therapy