Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

PATRIOTS HOLD ONTO THE BALL CHALLENGE

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

My boy said he’s a ball knower but didn’t know about bofa. He failed the ligmas test. 😭

A lobotomy is an operation to remove one of the wolves inside of you

Listen, if you get cups from a cupboard, I don't think it's my fault for misunderstanding what a headboard is for.

Women laugh when a guy doesn’t have a bed frame but bed frames are responsible for 30% of all male penis injuries. Maybe think before you judge, ladies.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Whitehouse press release: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

give me the death note i can be trusted

watch a little news 🎶 🎵shed some little tears feel sad tonight 🎶

If you send a dick pic to your smart fridge, it will order eggplants for you

🎶 when I grow up I wanna be heinous ❤️

I’m chugging so much water I feel like a data center

leaving your old job: very hehe realizing you still need to earn money to live: not hehe

hello my maybe hello my funny hello my bluesky world

I'm not like other girls (I'm a cryptid)

“i wasn’t raised to be shellfish” - imitation crab

Everything is decidedly NOT coming up Milhouse

homie smoked that shit & said gravity is just peer pressure from earth

Everyday is the same headline: WORLD BURNS: YOU ARE STILL GOING TO WORK TODAY.

it's not that you're unlovable it's just you're no calzone don't take it personally

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I feel personally victimized by the headline I just saw: "Pickleball is kind of a big dill"

Don’t be a soup nazi… be a soup commie That’s not your soup, that’s OUR soup Pass me the ladle, comrade!

Only 9 hours left in the work day, no point in starting something new

please don't make jokes about Joe Camel dying from lung cancer

A lot of self proclaimed centrists are really upset about losing a far right YouTuber and I think that says a lot about today's state of politics

Mom did not appreciate the 9/11 wreath I made

The girl with the imagine dragons tattoo

Us: we need to be able to save drafts! Also us: "if I had two buttholes I would use one for pooping and keep the other one pristine and fresh for display purposes" aaaaaand post

Americans be like: wHaT’s LeFtOvEr BaCoN

give me liberty or give me unalive!

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

Guys be like "🔥🔥🔥" on Instagram instead of going to therapy

People who stop their cars at weird and dangerous spots just to avoid their passengers a 10 seconds walk are the real sociopaths here

I'm convinced any movie set in Scandinavia is an elaborate scheme to encourage me personally to Thrift more chunky knit sweaters

Them: "You don't get the Sunday scaries?" Me: "That's my secret. I'm always scared."

You don't hear about the Darwin Awards anymore because we're all in the winners' circle now.

Me wondering what the kid who wrote 2cute 2be 4gotten In my yearbook is up to these days

I'm pretty convinced I'm actually just some high concept art project my mother did in college

They should make a chunky Pepto Bismol for psychopaths.

When people talk about the hole in the wall spot they know, they’re talking about glory holes.

Spending the afternoon at a pool swim up bar would fix me

To find the clit, you have to think like a clit

“Pave paradise and put up a pedo lot” or whatever Joni Mitchell said

gonna start my own AI company and when you ask a question, it comes to me as a text. depending on my mood, I may Google to ensure I’m giving you the right answer, or I may just wing it☺️

I make all the meals at my house. I had a Tuesday afternoon off unexpectedly and went home for lunch. My husband was cooking a whole ass pot of mashed potatoes! I would rather have walked in on this man naked with a strange woman. What do you mean he is capable of cooking? 17 years people