Hey guys. I really hate having to do this but I really want to get an apartment. So I’m sharing my gofundme. I’m getting in trouble with the shelter for taking unscheduled shifts at work. I may have to make excuses in the future to not fill in for people on my days off. gofund.me/6b9b92d2

So you're telling me there is data in the center?

Then: "What did the president know and when did he know it?" Now: "Who did the president rape and when did he rape them?"

What do you call going back to the part with Marcel Marceau in it? Returning to the scene of the mime. Sorry

No happy endings, but a happy along the way.

The penny is dead, long live the nickel! (Which btw costs 14 cents to produce)

I like my women like I like my Libby books. Available now.

I like my women like I like my tissue massage. Deep.

I like my women like I like my answers in the wind. Blowin'.

I like my women like I like my Brussels sprouts. Caramelized.

I like my women like I like my flakes. Frosted.

I like my women like I like my rice. Wild.

Northern lights Southern man Eastern promises Western stars

You're at Chico I need you at The Man

You're at Bridgette I need you at Bernie

Bugonia is a terrible name for an almost brilliant film.

Not happy with that idea? Well how about a forty-nine year mortgage...

"I didn't know him that well"

With friend training for a marathon Me: I think running a marathon should be considered a sign of mental illness. Them: Maybe. But it could also be seen as a sign of commitment. Me: So we agree a mental health facility is involved at some point? Them: Yes (with eye roll)

That secret trick that's helping China beat the West: Believe in and fund science.

"The way to a man's heart is through his groin." Me, to my friend who will have an ablation procedure If you know, you know

Do we need more Democrats? Yes. Do we need different Democrats? Yes.

November eleventh...Armistice Day. All the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

Signs that your team lead may be AI: "We shall meet daily for standup scrum event. As we go along we shall be able to refine our agenda and re-align events and processes to help us grow together."

Thinking about booty.

50 years ago today. On November 10, 1975, the Edmund Fitzgerald was caught in a severe storm on Lake Superior. The ship lost contact and sank about 17 miles from Whitefish Bay, with no distress call made.

As of this morning, I have slowly and deliberately lost 11% of my body weight.

Forcibly setting all autocorrect dictionaries and keyboards to automatically replace "world's richest man" with "greediest pathetic loser" until moral improves

Mamas in other countries telling their children to eat because there are kids starving in America.

Empty Spam Now

Tonight on Fox Movie Channel: Mother May I Tarrif Christmas? The Authorized Baron Trump Biography

Are recently laid off staff, women, and minorities except from this corporate directive?

I'm a man of few words, most of them cursed.

Stop analyzing the last election and start working toward the next one.

Drumf says Republicans lost because he wasn't on the ballot, so we all know Democrats won because he was indeed on the ballot.

I have 6 days left in shelter. I’m on a waitlist for another one. I may have to call other shelters outside of the county. It is November in Wisconsin and I’m scared of freezing to death outside. I hate having to e-beg. Here’s my gofundme link. Please #reskeet or donate. gofund.me/6b9b92d2

If you think this is the worst possible timeline, I have bad news for you: it's the only timeline.

My emails are like: BREAKING NEWS: New comet discovered Or BREAKING NEWS: Trump destroys Democracy Or BREAKING NEWS: LeBron has a hangnail I think we need another term besides breaking news. And fewer capital letters.

help i watched a video of tump talking and locked in on his mouth. a horrible hole guarded by two worms. a blown-out butthole. my eyes bleed

I think I would be good at writing automated political campaign sexts

Sometimes I'll find grounds in my coffee and think "Ew, gross". Then I'll remember someone roasted beans, ground them up, and ran boiling water over them and think "Ew, gross and weird".

Frankenstein: Good but not great. Long, but well paced. Gothic, but not too Gothic.

Re: #SNAP loss - everyone seems to focus on families with kids, and rightly so, but people, please check on your #elderly neighbors. They may not be as connected or aware, they might not drive, and the need will be significant. Please make sure they have access to #food as best you can.

he is silent now. a solemn heaviness to the air. soon the aggressive night pissing will begin, but not in this moment.

"Liebchen - sweetness heart, what watch?" "Six watch." "Such watch?" A central standard time story.

Current mood

Set your clocks back and your mind free.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down Of the big lake, they called Gitche Gumee The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead When the skies of November turn gloomy

Time for my yearly rant- if they come to your door, in costume or not- GIVE THEM CANDY. Life is hard and OMG it’s just candy

Today's hot costume: sexy antifa