Since I muted the phrase "wrong answers only," my constitution has never been better, my crops are thriving, and, look, I can ride a bike again!

Leave the window open one time & end up with a LEGO bird flying in & making itself at home!

Listen, I know I've barely mentioned my secret underground monorail lately, but I didn't want to get lumped in with certain other supervillains in the news.

Making smooth jazz. Smoother & smoother until it's just one long improvised note, whispered beneath the cabin noise of the 86 Buick Skylark.

Don’t feel weird when you dream about someone you know online. It only means they are simultaneously dreaming about you. Usually in an outer space pizza party scenario

He was in so many things, but I remember him most fondly in the Chevy Chase/Goldie Hawn movie Seems Like Old Times.

Roamed the misty moors during the dusky dawn, so that’s done anyway

#20FaveVideos #MusicChallenge Day 10 The Jets - Crush On You youtu.be/8a2GfvPF0_8

I’m fine. [holding a pizza slice in one hand & a glass of red in the other]

This is the vibe I'm taking through December ❄️

What was your #childhoodcinema The Rio Theater in Sweet Home, Oregon. I would collect bottles & cans to save up the $3.25 it cost to get in, & I did this on the weekly. This is where I saw the classics like Twilight Zone: The Movie & Jaws: 3-D. 😂

All-cockney comedy show at The Comedy Store tonight.

I bit my cheek, which is fine cause I was planning on being really angry today anyway.

Just remembered I bought discounted cupcakes at the store today, so my evening is looking up.

#20FaveVideos #MusicChallenge Day 9 Information Society - What's On Your Mind (Pure Energy) youtu.be/ijAYN9zVnwg

Leaving my xmas decor up for as long as I like... nothing matters anyway

I am at a restaurant called Karma…I will order what I deserve.

Mechanic recommended me upgrading my elderly van’s headlights to LED, so very much experiencing perverse satisfaction knowing I will soon be blinding everyone else as they’ve been blinding me for the last several years.

Every thing happening in the US right now is what you usually see in the 5 minute montage at the beginning of a post-apocalyptic film done to get the viewers up to speed with how we got here.

This is coming from a place of love and support, but… It’s ‘shoo-in,’ not ‘shoe-in.’ It’s ‘case in point,’ not ‘case and point.’ It’s ‘moot point,’ not ‘mute point.’ It’s ‘hunger pangs,’ not ‘hunger pains.’ It’s ‘jibe with,' not 'jive with.'

Sorry l'm late, got my foot stuck in that damn time-portal pothole out front they keep promising to fix, like yeah, right.

Might be time to recycle the one or two funny posts I have in my arsenal.

'E' before 'i,' when the “rule” feels like a lie...

Buddha: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Me taking notes: 𝘉𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘩𝘢 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘖𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘨𝘶𝘺

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

I’d like to cancel my free trial of 2026. I’ve seen enough to know this isn’t working out. Please do not auto-renew.

not now, 240 toasters-sized asteroid

I’ve been hoarding clarified butter in preparation for the coming lobster wars

Hard-boiled can describe eggs or detective novels.

My daughter got her first commission to make a Bayonetta cosplay wig and I think she killed it. It’s a full on rigid headpiece which was sized to the customers cranium, which I’m pretty sure upped the difficulty level to 100/100.

Today on “Sad Little Lunches” we celebrate the peanut butter on end bread sandwich.

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

Serious concern in the multiverse that I might be the most successful version of me

Now Playing: Rosie by Rosé

Drop someone HANDSOME 😍🖤🤩 Mr. Mendelsohn, for your consideration.

Motivators for taking that ridiculously long walk.

Any notion I had this film is not fully aware of what it is was instantly dispelled when the second act opens with this introduction of the Sheriff of Nottingham. This is played completely straight the ENTIRE movie. Anachronistic, ridiculous, a sledgehammer right into audience's faces. I love it.

As much as I try to quit the time suck & mind fuck that social media is, it’s the kind folks I’ve met that keep dragging me back ‘cuz I wanna know what’s going on in your lives.

Upcoming dentist appointment and they’ve texted, called, and hired a skywriter to remind me

As reality gets darker and bleaker, I defiantly remain a silly little goose

When I was about 6, dad was trying to teach me how to ride a bike. Why he thought it was a great idea to a) have me start at the top of a hill & b) the hill being next to an electric fence is beyond me. Down the hill I sped, ending up electrocuted & barbed (fence posts.) Explains a lot, really.

Do not miss this thread about Saoirse the healer!! (photo at the end) 🧵

Now Watching: Mike Flanagan’s Midnight Mass [2021] - rewatch Gets better with every viewing. The layers, the symmetry.

Music should always make you feel something

I'm sure your horror film is spooky or icky, but if you want real brutal visceral innard-twisting suspense, check your Jury Duty to see if you have to go in tomorrow.

Emergency rations include a mortar & pestle, taco shells, & Valentine Tootsie Pops™️ with an image of the sacred Tootsie Pop™️ owl™️™️™️.

The replies to Jerry’s post are *chef’s kiss* I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.

A star shaped paperclip is more fun in theory than in practice.

I exercised & I’m STILL in a good mood, please clap.