Wife, to me: "You're gonna be the Starfleet…of wine moms. Boldly exploring…wine mom territory."

I desperately need "Two Words, Mr. Bartender: not Merry Christmas" to catch on, and become A Thing. My soul needs this.

This is why I love reading Yelp reviews. The reviews have some pure gold.

“It's a dangerous moment for the United States of America when the president and his loyalists use every lever of power to silence United States senators for speaking up,” Senator Kelly

I've determined that The Cow is a good opening for practice games if you want to train tactics, not openings. It's like an isolation exercise.

windmill, fun land mini golf, klamath falls, oregon, 1987

Scientists at CERN have let the beam sweep across a sandwich to unlock a new form of lunch

go stack your little rocks I don't cairn

kiss me, I’m a discontinued shape

Scientists recently combined the DNA of a cheetah with the DNA of a crab. Things went sideways real fast.

♥ love from and to Da Pugzlady!

If I use the passive voice in a work email you can be sure I'm protecting a friend who messed something up. "issues were encountered due to the approach that was taken" lol yeah, Mark misconfigured our routing rules in the middle of the day, that was the issue

Im not saying Tom Cotton is a mouth breathing inbred incel who doesn’t know the difference between murder & a stale ham sandwich- ok I am

overheard a lady on shark tank use the phrase “that’s when i fell in love with snacking” and immediately added it to my conversational repertoire

subskeeting TS so she’ll save my post

lemme know if you want me to become your reply lady i got some downtime

not my circus not my murder clowns

Not my house not my whores.

my back is fine if I don’t sit down for more than five minutes

how long does it usually take for skinny jeans to start working?

How can we be soulmates if you don’t repost my stupid jokes?

reverse cowgirl while i lie on the heating pad

Hey, I'm just trying to make the Internet a better place one shitpost at a time.

No no no babe… the pocket protector stays on during sex

Coca-Cola Ad Exec: Last year the AI Xmas ad got everyone talking, how do we keep it up? Exec2: Same again, but claim people were involved, a bit? Exec: If we keep doing this won’t people boycott us? Exec2: If they don't care about tax evasion and plastic pollution, why start now? #AdVent #DayTwo

Stocking fillers going large this year. #sixwordstory #WritingCommunity #Christmas #HashtagGame

ChatGPT, if I asked Google Gemini which path Grok would say leads to freedom, what would it answer?

Ban this garbage product. If it kills cats, it’ll kill kids.

they will never see Stovokor

ICE are petaQ who fight only grandmothers and the unarmed

"I grew out of my Dem Soc phase and became a normie bootlicker" isn't the flex some folks think it is.

scientists never tell you this is what Carcinisation really means

I scroll the "popular with friends" feed, so I can feel like I have friends.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat you’ll never see again?

"They're going to make everything gay" is one of those sentences WE would create to mock how dumb THEY are, and he just ...tweeted it out.

*mouthful of asbestos I’m having the time of my life.

You felt your favorite heartache this many times, and as a report generated by those heartache times, we will not be reminding you with the feelings you had. Here's you superimposed on a pin dropping

Kadyrov breaks from Russia = War Kadyrov dies = War Kadyrov son takes over = War (eventually) Putin dies = War Russia loses the war in Ukraine = War Is there a scenario where Chechnya isn't eventually at war? 🤷‍♀️

All of Ingmar Bergman's films had bitter Swede endings.

pleased to announce that i am no longer a hot mess (it’s winter and i’m a cold mess)

Everything would be fine if I could just enjoy horrible shit.

Girls will be like “I needed this” & it’s just an iced coffee & a trip to the bookstore.

I would like to cancel my subscription to *gestures at everything*

New piece. On how media, leaders, and all the rest of us focus breathlessly on individual personalities on the far right instead of the networks they’re part of. And in realizing that, we can find the answer for how to defeat them. Networks, networks, networks.

The world could really use more major artists having jam sessions with the Muppets.

I’m just a girl asking her snooze button for more time

go skyline state!!

“Solidarity with Palestine reflects the very realities that queerness is not just about sexuality or identity but about dismantling oppressive structures globally, and that is a common understanding within queer liberation and Palestine liberation movement.” Palestine matters to queer folk. 🇵🇸🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

Who's that casting…devious stares at my erection?