me: i always wear a viking helmet when i vike around funeral director: for the last time please leave

an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so the saying goes, which is why i eat one million apples a day, one for each and every doctor in the united states. stay away from me, needle wielders

hi, my name is peter peterson, son of peter peterson, grandson of peter peterson. and this is my son, peter peterson

computer, save to drafts: mens wearhouse womenswear department ok

computer, save to drafts: mens wearhouse womenswear department ok

"just let people enjoy things!" i scream as they engage the winch to pull me out of the tar pit

using context clues to help understand what my neighbor meant when they said "get out and don't come in here again" to me when i was trying to nap in their shed

using context clues to help understand what my neighbor meant when they said "get out and don't come in here again" to me when i was trying to nap in their shed

if scientists created other things besides puffin colonies mb they wouldn't have to fixate on the one puffin colony

Be kind - Everyone is fighting a gorilla you can't see

if scientists created other things besides puffin colonies mb they wouldn't have to fixate on the one puffin colony

me, licking a salt lick furiously: jesus christ

six word stories dot net

it's ok shoelaces, i spend most of my time tied up in knots too

i pressed cancel on my toaster but the bread was still toasted???

if you throw a boomerang straight up in the air it'll eventually hit you in the back of the head two days ago

there are no o's in "sphere"

i got kicked out of flight school for landing flat on my beak every time i jumped off the lunch perch

we should call regular sentences "bad libs" because all the blanks are already filled in

one time i threw a frisbee so hard it slammed into the ground in front of me and i pulled a muscle in my cheek

who would ever hire a rubber maid maybe a rubber duck (scrooge)

it's a cool, rainy, foggy morning, perfect conditions for howling at a telephone pole

"ontology" is the study of placing one thing on top of, or onto, another thing

pls continue to send me the radioactive shrimp i would like to have all of the radioactive shrimp thank u www.fda.gov/safety/recal... Reason for Announcement: Due to possible radionuclide (Cesium-137) contamination.

has anyone seen my walking shoes? they walked this way a few minutes ago

not to add to the mysticism of Australian animals, but I’m pretty sure my joint pain would be cured if a platypus sort of flopped all over my body

i turned on autocorrect but my car is still not running who do i sue

exodus? leave me out pls i don't want to be exoded today

that scene in Critters 2 when one of the critters lands in hot oil was horrifrying

that branch is two feet off the ground i could climb that

billionaire is short for dollarbillionaire

billionaire is short for williamionaire

a guide to performing home repairs 1. find the screw holding on the thing you need to repair or replace 2. using a screwdriver, strip the head of the screw, rendering it unscrewdriverable 3. using a drill, destroy a drill bit attempting to remove the stripped screw 4. ??? 5. call a professional

@skepanie.bsky.social skep!!

got kicked out of bible study for referring to it as "the rupture" and repeatedly asking if anyone knew how high the water pressure would have to be to blast every christian all the way to heaven

In a pinch, a worm can serve as a makeshift mustache

the thing i don't understand about panthers is, what is panthing?

It cost $0 to repost my mspaint art 🎨

today my coworker said they were starting a worm farm. i asked them where they were getting the worm seeds, but all they said is "what?" so i started running in a circle shrieking into my insulated lunch bag until they left the room

got teeth? at acci dental we can help

🎶 so eat these boneless wings you learned to fry again and now we get to eat 🎶

It's Friday night, and you know what that means! Time to put on a horse costume and stand motionless in my neighbor's garden for 6 hours

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo. But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

highly recommend +1

me, on the brink of tears: i have not read a story this good in a hundred years, and i'm not a hundred years old. if i were a less healthy man i might have died on the spot from the raw emotion this evokes. no notes, bravo sir. the fortune cookie i just opened:

fwiw = follow walrus, it's walrus!

That's why he supplements with so many pills.

one thing i worry about a lot is how unbalanced pac-man's diet is. he really should add some green vegetables to his diet of fruit and ghosts

was late for work and ran out of the house without my helmet again, so of course I was tackled by a linebacker before i could get to the subway

you can only ever hear one deafening roar in your life so my advice is make it as enjoyable an experience as possible