spaceships should wear a jaunty little propeller hat that spins when they take off or when one of the astronauts does a space walk

"i couldn't agree more" he said, agreeing more

mmm, shrimp pubs.aip.org/aip/cha/arti...

spaceships should wear a jaunty little propeller hat that spins when they take off or when one of the astronauts does a space walk

we need a very large duck in here now

me: why are you threatening me my throw pillow: family is forever

i never played that game "where in the world is carmen sandiego?" because the answer's right there. san diego.

me: i feel like i'm always working but i can never get ahead my cannibal friend: i know exactly what you mean thanks

"what do i miss most about being young? having hair!" i chuckle, running my hand over the top of my head as i stare wistfully into the empty "hairhouse", my formerly well-stocked warehouse of hair, taking up most of my property

me: when i was five years old i wanted to grow up to be a sponge. life with its many miseries has disabused me of this innocent dream, but i still reflect on it from time to time. waiter: so you don't want a refill?

Back in the 90s everyone in the house shared one telephone that was attached to the wall. You could rent VHS tapes from a shop and if you didn't return them in time the worms would get you. You could smoke in restaurants and if you didn't smoke the worms would get you.

That’s why I only post top tier indispensable content that improves the life of everyone who reads it

the headless horseman just shoveling mashed potatoes into his shirt collar at thanksgiving dinner

pumpkin pie is an open-faced sandwich do not @ me

brb writing another banger about hammers

an insect just flew into the window, bonked off, then sat back down in my rolly chair and resumed editing a spreadsheet

this squirrel has been barking at me continuously ever since i borrowed two acorns from its nest. seems like an overreaction, frankly

they're called tabby cats because they open tons of browser tabs when they're on the internet

when i was at the pet store i saw a guinea pig that was so fluffy i dropped my cinnabon in a turtle habitat

me: i always wear a viking helmet when i vike around funeral director: for the last time please leave

hi, my name is peter peterson, son of peter peterson, grandson of peter peterson. and this is my son, peter peterson

"just let people enjoy things!" i scream as they engage the winch to pull me out of the tar pit

using context clues to help understand what my neighbor meant when they said "get out and don't come in here again" to me when i was trying to nap in their shed

Be kind - Everyone is fighting a gorilla you can't see

me, licking a salt lick furiously: jesus christ

six word stories dot net

if you throw a boomerang straight up in the air it'll eventually hit you in the back of the head two days ago

i got kicked out of flight school for landing flat on my beak every time i jumped off the lunch perch

we should call regular sentences "bad libs" because all the blanks are already filled in

one time i threw a frisbee so hard it slammed into the ground in front of me and i pulled a muscle in my cheek

it's a cool, rainy, foggy morning, perfect conditions for howling at a telephone pole

"ontology" is the study of placing one thing on top of, or onto, another thing

pls continue to send me the radioactive shrimp i would like to have all of the radioactive shrimp thank u www.fda.gov/safety/recal... Reason for Announcement: Due to possible radionuclide (Cesium-137) contamination.

has anyone seen my walking shoes? they walked this way a few minutes ago

not to add to the mysticism of Australian animals, but I’m pretty sure my joint pain would be cured if a platypus sort of flopped all over my body

i turned on autocorrect but my car is still not running who do i sue

exodus? leave me out pls i don't want to be exoded today

that branch is two feet off the ground i could climb that

billionaire is short for dollarbillionaire

billionaire is short for williamionaire

a guide to performing home repairs 1. find the screw holding on the thing you need to repair or replace 2. using a screwdriver, strip the head of the screw, rendering it unscrewdriverable 3. using a drill, destroy a drill bit attempting to remove the stripped screw 4. ??? 5. call a professional

@skepanie.bsky.social skep!!

got kicked out of bible study for referring to it as "the rupture" and repeatedly asking if anyone knew how high the water pressure would have to be to blast every christian all the way to heaven

In a pinch, a worm can serve as a makeshift mustache

the thing i don't understand about panthers is, what is panthing?

It cost $0 to repost my mspaint art 🎨

today my coworker said they were starting a worm farm. i asked them where they were getting the worm seeds, but all they said is "what?" so i started running in a circle shrieking into my insulated lunch bag until they left the room

got teeth? at acci dental we can help

🎶 so eat these boneless wings you learned to fry again and now we get to eat 🎶