not to add to the mysticism of Australian animals, but I’m pretty sure my joint pain would be cured if a platypus sort of flopped all over my body

I love when Americans talk about a “British accent” like there aren’t like 200 different accents in the UK and a middle-aged northern woman calling you “ducky” isn’t the most loved you’ll ever feel

quite apart from the bad science and the fact that autism is genetic and not a desperate scourge on society that needs to be “cured,” telling pregnant women they can’t take the only drug they’re actually allowed to take for pain during a famously painful period of their life is just torturing women

I was in an abusive friendship in high school and this girl really had me thinking “classically beautiful” was an insult, like she would say “yeah I mean you’re classically beautiful some people are into that” and I was really like “yeah some people :(“

replace the police with a single emu he will sort things out

the sexual tension between my joints and dislocation

I am eight years old, I am at the Rainbow Springs Nature Park in Rotorua, New Zealand, a swan has just bitten me on the thigh and won’t let go, I am running around and screaming and the swan is still attached to my leg, somehow things get worse

woke up as a skeleton and so obviously first thing i do is try playing my ribcage xylophonewise right? bad idea, i hit one rib and instantly pass out from the pain. don't even know what sound it made. life as a skeleton sucks. i gotta pee and i don't understand what to do about it

say what you will about the foot fetishists, but they are very organised! you gotta respect that database game

Sorry guys I tried to scurry into a crack in the wall but didn’t make it in time. Landlord vacuumed me up and put me in a trash bag

these are the three genres, the ONLY story we ever use them to tell is just “fascism is bad” in various fonts and yet here we are

in my life I have been a part of more than one group chat organising people chipping in to buy a friend a sex toy

watched The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time last night with my boyfriend and kept saying, “oh, it’s New Zealand” like a homesick little fairy every time there was a shot of the scenery

it’s not a shower! it’s not a bath! it’s lying down in the shower

if you are my friend (or I know you and have mentioned you once before) and you’re making a living in the arts or in journalism, just know that my mum is SO proud of you

I want a reverse landing strip, just a full bush with a bald patch from clit to mound

FEMALE IS THE ADJECTIVE, WOMAN IS THE NOUN - IF YOU KEEP CALLING WOMEN “FEMALES” LIKE THEY LIVE IN SPECIMEN JARS I’M GONNA LOSE MY MIND

ANZAC soldiers in 1915 waking up from a nice dream and remembering where they are:

I’m not saying I want a penis, but I do wish jerking off was more of a mechanical action and less of an exercise in imagination and, like, measuring wind speed etc

what Mrs Maisel has in common with me and all other female stand-up comedians is that we only ever perform when we trip, get pushed or generally bumble our way in front of a microphone at an unrelated event such as a protest rally or jazz band concert

I think the moment news organisations started publishing those “inspiring! completely normal, random person loses a large amount of weight” as though before and after photos counted as reporting we were doomed

feels like I’ve made the wrong call in a Choose Your Own Adventure book and now I’m about to be beaten to death and sent back to the start

Pretty in Pink is a movie about a girl who has two perfectly nice pink dresses which she turns, through bad friendship and unsupervised scissor use, into one hideous pink dress

wish I could oil my joints like the Tin Man

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION be nice to me :)

tonight’s the night comparing myself to others makes me feel BETTER I can sense it!!!

[me, a journalist who spends all day every day on a social media app where the discovery algorithm is personally controlled by its owner, captain birdseye] you know, a lot of people are talking about fish fingers, we should probably cover that

lot of people been posting this one but here’s my post of it with my name correct. okie doke

cynical in voice and manner, but whimsically naive in how much she leaves her bag unsupervised at comedy venues

gonna treat myself and have a wee lie down in the shower

no matter the age or era, it can be assumed that people hate modern femininity what’s worse than being a woman? being a new kind of woman

every bulldog I’ve ever seen looks like it is begging for an adorable mercy killing

when I was 13 I thought that a chunky Kit Kat was a marvel of modern engineering

the fact that all of my friends are terrified of phone calls does not lineup with how specific and nuanced my crises tend to be

I just saw a woman at the train station wearing a sports bra that said “Better Together” on it and I can’t help but assume she means her breasts

I once had a series of panic attacks about the fact that I look exactly like every woman Ted Bundy ever murdered

were you a neurotypical child or did time travel storylines make you anxious?

for all I know I’m still halfway down the Questacon Free Fall

can’t wait to start my weekend activity of just “having a headache”

I long to be torn to ribbons by a blackberry thicket just really let the countryside claim me with its claws

as an autistic person I sometimes struggle to know when other people are joking, which is why I almost exclusively hang out with comedians because the odds are good

people keep telling me to try MDMA and I keep telling them that if they wanna see me have a panic attack that sends me to the hospital they can just leave me alone with my thoughts for half an hour

I notice “enjoy the little things” propaganda gets thrown around a lot more when there is no hope of any big things to enjoy

me emailing bookers to ask for gigs:

why does instagram think I shake my phone when I want to report something wrong? like, I see a spam comment and shudder so viscerally my phone arm spasms in horror! it could be me falling off a bridge from cyberbullying that’s what’s shaking the phone, you can’t do much now

I’ve run out of creative ways to say this, so: FUCK Rupert Murdoch

the beautiful thing about international travel is learning that piss smells the same no matter where you are

got some hometown pals on this week’s episode of The Agonies ✨ James Bartlett/Flamingo Blonde (whose song On Your Side is the fabulous podcast intro/outro music) and Josh Bartlett/01 Thurman - talented musicians AND brothers, if you can believe

stay warm this winter with haemorrhagic fever

i hate when the Mangler is on the prowl. or, really not the prowling so much as when he stops to mangle