saw a possum

the only way we can stop this bus from crashing is by jumping out of it at 95 mph

mfw i’m ‘enjoying’ free shipping on an e-commerce web site: 😑

sitting on the couch in complete silence until i eat precisely 17 maple almonds

invading u.s. forces decimated by local fermented shark delicacy

timing my ingress onto your roof with the thuds of melting icicles

(therapist voice) and this fart. you trusted it?

As far back as i can remember I always wanted to win a million dollars in a lawsuit. To me, winning a million dollars in a lawsuit was better than being President of the United States

trying to imagine the type of person who would donate to Mickey Rourke’s Gofundme because he didn’t pay $100k worth of rent

what’s up dude how was your holiday.. have you been sleeping in here?

AI could never convey my turd on an 18 hour gravity-powered journey to a centralized treatment plant where it is safely disposed of. indoor plumbing can though

Wife in north jersey. Youre on the air.

(sports radio guy texting his wife) Should I grab. Oat milk. At. The grocery store.

cathedrals everywhere

birds have discovered the new feeder. over.

British guy who pronounces butthole buddle

there are too many supermoons now. get real

just had some soup for dinner #soup #dinner

Unpleasant Experienceheads go apeshit for Costco

So a guy cant even have heretical views

wearing a Rob Lowe-style hat that says ‘Oil Companies’

setting a zillow alert for ‘eternal stew cauldron room’

🍁 some nice leaves 🌿 Pachysandra procumbens - allegheny spurge Smilax bona-nox - saw greenbriar Hepatica acutiloba - sharp-lobed hepatica Geum canadense - white avens #nativeplants #ecoregion71

this is the only thing in the world i care about

New Years greetings from the Primordial Wilderness of the Hill Country

proved the haters wrong who said i could never get alarmingly sweaty while it’s 15°F out

fireworks are jingling keys for adult babies

I think in ‘26 I want to spend more time posting. Seems like the most valuable use of both my time and my mental health.

new year’s eve. a night unlike any other (staying up til 10:30 because i don’t have work tomorrow)

😮‍💨

SinfulCindy8: I’m feeling cozy 😜 almost nothing on under my blanket. what would you like to watch with me? 🫦 Alexual: something…….. sensual 😘 ThisJustin: doesn’t matter what we put on. we won’t be watching it 😉 bonker12: harryg and the henderson

RealFeel™️ deez nuts

As 2025 fades to the merest flicker, we once again come upon the most important End-of-Year list you or anyone else will see. That's right comrades - it's time for the Top Ten Geological Maps of 2025!

i saw my uncle last week at christmas and he peeled off a 50 dollar bill for me. my future has never been more clear

my smart toilet can smell my piss and knows exactly which coffee beans i’ve been grinding. then it can offer me coupons! isn’t that cool?

trying to cultivate some new and rare types of rashes

[80s movie good guy] i don’t want ‘just deserts’. i want dinner, motherfucker

what the hell is Claude

used remote start to warm up my truck #amerifat

i resent the phrase ‘toy hauler’. it’s an abomination every time i see it

koru recharging through the power of megaliths

saw a guy casually post on a forum that he ‘had a conversation with one of those chatbot things’ pretending like he’s not on that crap 24/7. we get it, you forget what a vagina looks like. please log off

entering VATS instantly when the guy using a backpack leaf blower as a snowblower reveals himself

forgot to mention Santa Claus delivered me the P-51D Mustang i asked for when i was 12. i guess the request got lost in the mail or something

subject is entering the work bathroom. over.

Get away from me, you slackjawed, flea-bitten %PCRace.

crushing the ceiling in a staring contest. next up: the wall

MORDOR is the hottest new startup for gentrifying neighborhoods