Hey man. Could I get a vegetarian breakfast burrito

Don’t look now, but I think that guy over there is your dad

Green grapes, refrigerated. Trust me.

I’m erring on the side of caution SIKE I’m not erring, never have never will

I feel safest when I’m verbally abusing you

Anyone wanna do a Shadow Ticket book club?

I’m still pissed off about Teapot Dome

Found some dead rats in my yard. There’s lunch sorted!

Grocery store for the criminally insane

Going for my first bike ride since the accident*. It’s been a long road, and I’m not done healing yet, but this is a big milestone! *: slept on my neck weird

I’m a roll model—I’m sexy and I’m rolling around like a big wheel!

Be suspicious of people you meet—any one of them could sabotage you

The prisoners in my dungeon are being sooo emotional

It’s been a while since something beggared belief

Seeing a physical therapist for the first time today. Death 🔜

Look, I got the date wrong. We all make mistakes. But the rapture is still happening

Bribing the mayor today

Do you accept bribes, your honor?

If any of my followers are seeking undue influence, I am accepting bribes

My fellow grocery shoppers are dull and slow

Dining at the 1,000-year-old gastropub

Trucks should be required to yield to Priuses

You are NOT gonna believe what the Lord hath revealed unto me

Care for an in-depth conversation?

You’ve given me no choice… but to expose republican hypocrisy!

Introducing my new textspeak/acronym “la”. For “laughing aloud”. You can use this to express that you laughed aloud at something or even just chuckled, smiled, or otherwise thought it humorous

The Lord just sent me a message. Unfortunately He asked me to keep it to myself so that’s all I’m at liberty to share at this moment

The Boy and the Heron - All Heron Scenes - Extended

Friend’s dog got a baby bunny from their back yard. Bunny survived but maybe got a spinal injury: back legs paralyzed. They are taking the bunny to the bird alliance for some reason. I believe the bunny will be fed to an eagle

Was just set upon by a pack of street mice

One must imagine Sisyphus pushing a big rock up a hill

The world’s first non-alcoholic paste

Just learned my lesson 🧠📈

You’re welcome to stay at my house, but you have to bring groceries

Eating l’gumes

I’m going to the bathroom. Wish me luck

Care to share your learnings?

My bike mechanic is a damn chickadee

Slept so well I’m singing the smurfs song while makin coffee

They need to add squirrels to Merlin sound ID

Industry plant? Like corn or soy?

My mom is visiting me and she just spontaneously ironed some of my clothes #thatslove #slobnomore

Care for a pithy witticism or trenchant insight?

100 neutral affirmations

Poop is coming back in style

They need to add a dirt emoji

Calling my fat friend “larger than life”

This ain’t your mother’s milk!

A slice of lemon in a cheap beer makes it taste as good as a craft beer, and helps prevent scurvy as well