This house has great bones—over 10,000 high-quality bones in the unfinished basement.

Bout to disabuse the hell outta your notions

He’s always saying this

Just dinged your credit. Your credit score went down bc I dinged it.

Just a heads up—I am contacting your card issuer

I’m being hella swarmed by bees rn

I can’t watch The Simpsons because it reminds me too much of my own dad Homer, mom Marge, and sisters Lisa and Maggie.

This platform’s been around for what? Two years now? And they still haven’t added 3D?

caruncle stretch warmup 3x12 weighted chin swings 3x12 dewlap-clamps with resistance band 3x goitering till failure a guy at the gym offered me rooster growth hormone but im natty

I hate when a stranger smiles warmly at my dog bc she’s cute. She’s mine!

This video poker Machine is rigged,, its fucked

My normal-core friend

Booing an unremarkable sunset

Three day weekend weather blessing🚴🚴‍♀️🚴‍♂️🔜

Got a real nice cart at the grocery store today, super smooth action

Just belched out a fly who buzzed away

You’ve raised an interesting question. Do not raise it further.

You need a healing bolus

I’ve made an unstounding discovery

I have a big bulge—a nonsexual bulge. It’s not anywhere near my crotch.

There is no more noble creature than the American consumer

Apple is going downhill bc an annoying guy from my work left to work at Apple a couple years ago

They’re called essential oils bc they’re must-have oils

Your bro’s covered in goo

If you stop following me, you have to pay alimony

My son Barfo has fallen ill

My ancient Egyptian buddy Psamtek likes to poke fun at the cultural differences between upper and lower egypt

Find Yoda win cash

You might not like it, but this is what my post looks like

Oh for cripe’s sake. I was just crushed into a fine powder.

This is my boy Danny Humongous

The man who owns 1,000 backpacks

Ripping open my trench coat in front of a woman in the street. She screams not because I am flashing her, but because of my incredible selection of watches for sale at a reasonable price

Bro your carbuncles are looking fire

The country of Wales is named after whales, but they have a dragon on their flag due to an apparent mix-up

When you get to the quantum scale, things get a little… weird

Feels like the Minneapolis news is being suppressed on twitter

I am the victim of a snafu

I need an accomplice

(Picking dog poop off the ground) this doesn’t pass the sniff test

The online left is spanking my bare bottom with a paddle

I’m making sensational claims

I’m building a cadre of yes-men, flunkies, and hangers-on

Ape of the Planet of the Apes

My white slave Matteo has been teaching me about F1

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My doctor said I have something called “my favorite patient syndrome”

Simple syrup is a classic beginner’s syrup

2026 is an unmistakeable vibe