I offer dog dog-food. Dog declines. I offer dog biscuit. Dog declines. I offer dog egg, cheese, all the meat dog could want. Dog declines. I accidentally drop paper towel on the floor. Dog consumes. Dog wants more. Dog cannot get enough paper towel. Dog rates the experience 5 stars on tripadvisor.

Friendly reminder that as an adult you can actually buy your own play doh set and it’s completely legal. You don’t even have to share and you can also mix the colours. Enjoy.

Do we think Frankenstein’s monster deserved his own sex cardigan moment? Discuss.

Did anyone else notice that wicked and Frankenstein had the exact same frame in the ending?

Holy infant. Tender AND mild. How can we be certain that Jesus wasn’t a filet mignon?

I milked the dregs from my seen-better-days toothpaste tube. Started at the top and worked my way down to the end. A tedious task, but worth it for the maintenance of oral health- strong teeth and all that. I wondered if a dairy farmer somewhere was going through the same motions.

They say pride comes before a fall. Which is why it’s so common to be both homophobic and basophobic.

My bladder was approaching full capacity, so I swung open the doors to the ladies. Just a room full of ladies. Specifically, a coven of witches. I heard they grant wishes when both the moon and your bladder are full. What a night.

I just won a competition :D I don’t actually think I’ve won anything before so this was v cool.

Whenever I see geckos licking their eyeballs clean I always wonder how they cope after a particularly spicy dish. Does it sting when their tongues are still coated in peri peri chicken seasoning?

My deepest condolences to all those whose Spotify Wrapped results do not align with the curated persona you wish to portray to the world. Your vacant instagram story speaks volumes.

How could someone this cute have such severe diarrhoea? The world is not fair. She also has the vomits. We’re having a lovely time.

Hello professional headshot 👀

Just logging this here so I remember: Today has been a lovely day. A lovely day! They do exist. 🫡

Why take antidepressants when you can buy a half zip fleece?

Hello pals! if you’ve sent me a message and not received a response or noticed my general lack of engagement pls bare with !! I’ve been v burnt out and forgot how to person. Also social media is overwhelming. I will be attempting to do better at being a human acquaintance/frjend. 🫡

I think it’s horrible that chickens are overfed/fed awful things so that they taste better or have a more desirable texture. Like,,, just think how much garlic purée they must have to feed the ones that turn into kievs. Sorry.

I’m generally quite a big hater of movie theatres, which is why I satisfy my cravings for televised media by watching the TV in Asda’s homeware section that’s been cycling through the same 5 mop adverts since 2004.

Sometimes I transfer money from my bank to my own PayPal account in the middle of the night so I forget about it, then get a release of dopamine the next time I check the app. Shortly followed by disappointment but I think that’s generally the order of things anyway. Just good to feel something.

I’m friends with a lovely couple of seals but their marriage is on the rocks. So is the reception. And the afterparty. It’s going to be a very cold, hard, damp wedding.

Wordle 1,600 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 I may need to be exorcised.

I walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. It was a very long bowling alley.

Theres a new pope in town. Or something idk.

I just learned that if you’re pregnant and eat a lot of garlic, it makes your amniotic fluid smell and taste like garlic. So your baby just floats around in a garlic soup for nine months straight with no escape.

You’ve heard of Duo Lingo, but I found Uno Longo.

Maybe I’m just a bit silly in the head but pls let me know if you also see time like this. I’ve been trying to explain it but I can only describe it with a drawing - this is exactly what a day is to me. This just feels so much more right than a clock.

Okay never mind I just yawned consistently for an hour straight and it just popped. Thank you earwax gods.

I'm now on my fourth day in a row of getting the wordle in 2. I might actually be a witch.

I went to a facial anatomy museum that was shaped like a human face. The ticket desk was in the left nostril. I paid through the nose.

Working at yo sushi gave me a god complex. I constantly felt like everything revolved around me.

I’m no mathematician but I think it’s safe to say that there’s a discrepancy here.

They were really lucky (when naming asbestosis) that asbestos already sounded like a disease. Because expandifoamosis and polyfilleritis really doesn’t pack the same amount of punch.

How many back and forth emails do I need to exchange before I can stop adding formalities at the beginning and end? I’ve now told you my name six times in the space of two minutes. I personally think it’d be more efficient if Sandra from Student Finance England just slid into my dms.

I truly had no doubt in my mind while I was doing this by the way. Not even as I felt the squish of seat cushions beneath my dusty trainers. Zero doubt.

I am completely mortified I’m at a theatre I’ve never been to and for some reason I thought it was just completely unhinged and had no stairs so I just casually used the seats as stairs. Then looked to my right and the stairs are right there. What sort of theatre would have no stairs?!

I can’t keep tolerating this utter geological filth.

Well, I’ve learned a lot today. I’ve been paranoid about regional slang ever since I had a complete miscommunication with the word “wicklow” which apparently doesn’t exist outside of where I live.

Hello! Does anyone happen to know where the regional perimeters are for the use of the word "mooch"? I have a gig in york tomorrow and need to know if people south of sunderland understand the concept of a mooch.

An October Evening Stroll Are worms in my shoes? Or trampled into my jeans? Dunno. It’s too dark. #haiku

Is it A) Giardia Iamblia or B) Me emerging from a 40minute shower

I brush my teeth. I mouthwash my mouth. Yet my oral hygiene requirements remain unfulfilled. I need to steam clean my throat and blast my organs with dry ice.

When ur poop is so unique and special that they had to make a whole new Bristol stool chart.

I'm becoming increasingly concerned that the art of stand up comedy is being ruined by over-use of AI (audience interaction).

Schools put an awful lot of effort into teaching kids 1.How to fold cardboard in various ways (in the name of arts and crafts) 2.How to hold urine for inhumane durations It makes one wonder,,how much money has Amazon payed the DFE to produce the next generation of compliant warehouse workers?

Forever giving my :) smiley faces a double chin on messenger :)) so that Facebook doesn’t autocorrect it to that deeply perverse psychopath emoji.

Me and my dad found a grass fire on our walk so, without hesitation, dad wanders off towards this (at least 3m wide) fire AND CALMLY HOPS INTO THE FIRE AND JUMPS ON IT TIL IT'S OUT?? then he comes back and says "the lads (local firemen) are probably having their tea, didn't want to disturb them".

Um.

I was halfway through a job application for a 2day/week barista role at a Swedish bakery and thought I’d have a look on their Instagram,, only to find myself? Sitting behind a table of Swedish baked goods? Looking like I already work there? With no memory of this moment? What?

We love an action shot.