I just dreamt that I bought greggs and turned all their stores into anti-cookie shops. Basically shops that only sell anti-cookies (big circles of chocolate with little bits of biscuit). The nation was furious. They chased me with horses, demanding I bring back steak bakes and pizza squares.

It was late so I decided to hit the hay and accidentally found the needle in it. I now need a tetanus shot.

I saw Tim Key tonight and he was absolutely brilliant. I know this isn’t news to anyone but I genuinely have never felt so inspired to write after a show before. 10/10, very disappointed that I can’t immediately watch it again.

I like to think that the existence of the wood pigeon suggests the coexistence of the fire pigeon, the earth pigeon, the air pigeon, the water pigeon, and the metal pigeon. I’d also like to propose the idea of a heavy metal pigeon but I understand that this may be a bit of a stretch.

I don’t want to burst your bubbles or anything,, but I just don’t think your screen protector installation business is feasible.

There’s always one at the bottom of a bag of mini eggs that still has the feathers attached.

I am offering my photography services to you all. I specialise in birds-eye-view photography. I don’t use traditional lenses, all my photos are taken down the barrel of a hollowed out fish cake.

EDINBURGH FRINGE 2026 Hello 👋 I will be fringing this year (!) and bringing a split bill show with my pal Sean Barnham ! It’s going to be a lot of fun and you should probably definitely come along I’d say. Here is a square of information and a blurb for you to gaze upon.

Today is shit for many of us for many reasons but I’ve decided to rebrand it so here are some really cool moths to cheer you all up this moth day.

Well, this is a tad bit bigger than the pub basements I’m used to.

Can't believe Hamnet has won this many awards considering the typo. #baftas

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: huge fan of purple.

I was on an absolute joke-writing-roll last night. Just one banger after another. But then I woke up to discover that it was all a dream and none of them abide by the laws of the waking world. Truly devastating.

It makes sense that Labour is a group of moles, because I do think I could be persuaded to whack them on the head with a mallet for less than £1 if given the opportunity.

Here are some places I’ll be and if you’re in those places and would like to be in the same place that I am also in you could do that if u want. Yeah.

Is being in a river as a duck the same as being on a travellator as a person?

I just won the north east new act of the year award! And yes I’m absolutely only posting about this because this is the tallest I’ve ever looked in a photo.

Dear all comedians who write notes on their hands, If you ask to borrow a pen from me, please don’t proceed to clog up the silky smooth ball-point of my sexy (£1.80) ultrafine uniball pen with your skin oils and debris. The lack of respectable penmanship etiquette is truly abysmal these days. Smh.

I’d love to go on a road trip where I’d visit all the locations that cheeses are named after. I think I’d be most excited for Leicester, Wensleydale, and my favourite region,, Dairylea Triangle. I’ve heard that ships and planes often disappear under mysterious circumstances in Dairylea Triangle.

I think one of the worst things about getting older is that there's less work to do on paper and more work to do on the computer which (as someone with very poor object permanence) is pretty miserable because my motivation completely vanishes when my task is hidden behind 10 other open tabs.

I just woke up from a dream in which I was a journalist hired by Kris Jenner to write a piece about her facelift. The research involved a 4 hour interview with a capuchin monkey in a suit (he was the surgeon). Long story short, I asked too many insightful questions so he bit me and gave me rabies.

Old man from audience: I think you were too highbrow for this lot (football club audience) but me and my pal are academics and we loved it. He’s a doctor and I’m an undertaker. Can I get this framed?

Sorry but this was worth more than two likes 😔 (Sincerely, someone who just returned from being the only female comic at a gig).

Brought to you by: currently gigging at a sports club full of bald heads.

Female stand-up comedian who is also a dyslexic cat: yeah it’s hard being the only feline on a maleup. But that’s the world we live in I guess.

Can someone please confirm what this big glowing orb is? Is it meant to be there?

Forced myself to leave the house last night and go to an open mic just to watch but then someone dropped out and I ended up doing a set anyway! And it didn't cure my brain but it did remind me that there are some things that are maybe perhaps good :))

Where’s my phone? -Mitski (Must stop using 2am doodling as a coping mechanism 😔)

I’m absolutely unhinged.

The brain has been at an all time low lately. So obviously I’ve spent my evening watching all the shrek movies back to back- as was prescribed to hysterical women in olden times. It’s a trial and error treatment process involving shrek 1,2,3, and 4, and then (ultimately) a lobotomy.

🍓TOMORROW NIGHT🍓 Boom, this is a brilliant line-up full of wonderful people (see also: funny) Ignore the fact that Chris will be there and get tickets below 👇 #CoherentComedy

It’s been a long, emotional journey to get to this point. After a lifetime of dreaming about this wonderfully monumental moment,, I’m finally the proud owner of a pegboard.

Hello. If you’re doing a show or a fringe run or anything that needs a poster/illustrations this year, I might be your guy. Pay as you feel, or not at all, I truly do not mind. I’m trying to expand my portfolio so you’d also be doing me a favour 🫡

I don’t know who this Et Al guy is but he sure gets around. I can only dream of one day being as well-read and proficient as him.

Procrastinated so hard I started wandering around the house looking for pencils to sharpen.

It would appear I’ve gone mad.

Have we all seen those videos of people repairing walls/sinks/toilets etc with raw blocks of ramen noodles over the past few years or is that just my weird Instagram algorithm?

It's awful I'm never using my phone again (I wasn't brave enough to update my mac).

There's truly nothing better than when a joke finally falls into place after sitting in the back of the notebook for weeks AND it genuinely brings you excitement AND you've got loads of gigs booked in to try it out. I've said it before but I'm very much enjoying the whole comedy endeavour thing 🫡

Done! It went really well so I decided to take a celebratory mirror selfie beside the famous yellow sinks of the stand.

Doing Red Raw at the stand tonight !! Feeling very overwhelmed and sort of like my organs are going to explode or something idk :)

In today's news: the dog has figured out how to operate a pedal bin- which explains the lack of paper towels in the binbag.

In 2016 I had whooping cough for three months, then severe dandruff for three months, then was forced to endure many months of dandruff-related bullying, then my goldfish died. Shut up about 2016, some of us were experiencing painful character-building events. #Shutupabout2016

If you have a mac, have you updated to tahoe? If so, how overstimulating are the new visuals? (I've been putting it off because I am deeply disturbed by the idea of the new liquid glass effect).

The standupoctopus makes a return to let you (specifically north-easterly pals) know about my upcoming gigs 🫡 (more tbc).

Woah “hero” is a bit strong but I will indeed be trying my best to bring the vibes, the energy, the groove, the funk, the hip-happenings, the edge, and maybe even the swagger. So you should probably get tickets! Also if you reply I’ll assign your personality to a hero from a box of heroes.

"kids these days and their damn tablets" -a skeptic of the 10 commandments (~1446 BCE)

"You must answer this question in 2-3 sentences" You underestimate how many embedded clauses I am willing to use in a single sentence >:)

I've started to use 2 teaspoons of hot chocolate powder in my tea instead of sugar. Somehow, the tea elevates the chocolate and the chocolate elevates the tea in a way that is better than both respective counterparts individually. Mad.

If you ever feel a bit stupid, I want you to know how close I came to pouring olive oil into a glass this morning after mistaking it for orange and barley squash.