🍓TOMORROW NIGHT🍓 Boom, this is a brilliant line-up full of wonderful people (see also: funny) Ignore the fact that Chris will be there and get tickets below 👇 #CoherentComedy

It’s been a long, emotional journey to get to this point. After a lifetime of dreaming about this wonderfully monumental moment,, I’m finally the proud owner of a pegboard.

Hello. If you’re doing a show or a fringe run or anything that needs a poster/illustrations this year, I might be your guy. Pay as you feel, or not at all, I truly do not mind. I’m trying to expand my portfolio so you’d also be doing me a favour 🫡

I don’t know who this Et Al guy is but he sure gets around. I can only dream of one day being as well-read and proficient as him.

Procrastinated so hard I started wandering around the house looking for pencils to sharpen.

It would appear I’ve gone mad.

Have we all seen those videos of people repairing walls/sinks/toilets etc with raw blocks of ramen noodles over the past few years or is that just my weird Instagram algorithm?

It's awful I'm never using my phone again (I wasn't brave enough to update my mac).

There's truly nothing better than when a joke finally falls into place after sitting in the back of the notebook for weeks AND it genuinely brings you excitement AND you've got loads of gigs booked in to try it out. I've said it before but I'm very much enjoying the whole comedy endeavour thing 🫡

Done! It went really well so I decided to take a celebratory mirror selfie beside the famous yellow sinks of the stand.

Doing Red Raw at the stand tonight !! Feeling very overwhelmed and sort of like my organs are going to explode or something idk :)

In today's news: the dog has figured out how to operate a pedal bin- which explains the lack of paper towels in the binbag.

In 2016 I had whooping cough for three months, then severe dandruff for three months, then was forced to endure many months of dandruff-related bullying, then my goldfish died. Shut up about 2016, some of us were experiencing painful character-building events. #Shutupabout2016

If you have a mac, have you updated to tahoe? If so, how overstimulating are the new visuals? (I've been putting it off because I am deeply disturbed by the idea of the new liquid glass effect).

The standupoctopus makes a return to let you (specifically north-easterly pals) know about my upcoming gigs 🫡 (more tbc).

Woah “hero” is a bit strong but I will indeed be trying my best to bring the vibes, the energy, the groove, the funk, the hip-happenings, the edge, and maybe even the swagger. So you should probably get tickets! Also if you reply I’ll assign your personality to a hero from a box of heroes.

"kids these days and their damn tablets" -a skeptic of the 10 commandments (~1446 BCE)

"You must answer this question in 2-3 sentences" You underestimate how many embedded clauses I am willing to use in a single sentence >:)

I've started to use 2 teaspoons of hot chocolate powder in my tea instead of sugar. Somehow, the tea elevates the chocolate and the chocolate elevates the tea in a way that is better than both respective counterparts individually. Mad.

If you ever feel a bit stupid, I want you to know how close I came to pouring olive oil into a glass this morning after mistaking it for orange and barley squash.

I just did a comedy PowerPoint panel show at the stand! Very fun and my nsfw horseshoe crab content seemed to be a big hit. A lovely gig to start off 2026. 🦀

Merry Christmas! My gift to you all is this wonderful picture of my friend, BeigeDuck™️

I offer dog dog-food. Dog declines. I offer dog biscuit. Dog declines. I offer dog egg, cheese, all the meat dog could want. Dog declines. I accidentally drop paper towel on the floor. Dog consumes. Dog wants more. Dog cannot get enough paper towel. Dog rates the experience 5 stars on tripadvisor.

Friendly reminder that as an adult you can actually buy your own play doh set and it’s completely legal. You don’t even have to share and you can also mix the colours. Enjoy.

Do we think Frankenstein’s monster deserved his own sex cardigan moment? Discuss.

Did anyone else notice that wicked and Frankenstein had the exact same frame in the ending?

Holy infant. Tender AND mild. How can we be certain that Jesus wasn’t a filet mignon?

I milked the dregs from my seen-better-days toothpaste tube. Started at the top and worked my way down to the end. A tedious task, but worth it for the maintenance of oral health- strong teeth and all that. I wondered if a dairy farmer somewhere was going through the same motions.

They say pride comes before a fall. Which is why it’s so common to be both homophobic and basophobic.

My bladder was approaching full capacity, so I swung open the doors to the ladies. Just a room full of ladies. Specifically, a coven of witches. I heard they grant wishes when both the moon and your bladder are full. What a night.

I just won a competition :D I don’t actually think I’ve won anything before so this was v cool.

Whenever I see geckos licking their eyeballs clean I always wonder how they cope after a particularly spicy dish. Does it sting when their tongues are still coated in peri peri chicken seasoning?

My deepest condolences to all those whose Spotify Wrapped results do not align with the curated persona you wish to portray to the world. Your vacant instagram story speaks volumes.

How could someone this cute have such severe diarrhoea? The world is not fair. She also has the vomits. We’re having a lovely time.

Hello professional headshot 👀

Just logging this here so I remember: Today has been a lovely day. A lovely day! They do exist. 🫡

Why take antidepressants when you can buy a half zip fleece?

Hello pals! if you’ve sent me a message and not received a response or noticed my general lack of engagement pls bare with !! I’ve been v burnt out and forgot how to person. Also social media is overwhelming. I will be attempting to do better at being a human acquaintance/frjend. 🫡

I think it’s horrible that chickens are overfed/fed awful things so that they taste better or have a more desirable texture. Like,,, just think how much garlic purée they must have to feed the ones that turn into kievs. Sorry.

I’m generally quite a big hater of movie theatres, which is why I satisfy my cravings for televised media by watching the TV in Asda’s homeware section that’s been cycling through the same 5 mop adverts since 2004.

Sometimes I transfer money from my bank to my own PayPal account in the middle of the night so I forget about it, then get a release of dopamine the next time I check the app. Shortly followed by disappointment but I think that’s generally the order of things anyway. Just good to feel something.

I’m friends with a lovely couple of seals but their marriage is on the rocks. So is the reception. And the afterparty. It’s going to be a very cold, hard, damp wedding.

Wordle 1,600 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 I may need to be exorcised.

I walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. It was a very long bowling alley.

Theres a new pope in town. Or something idk.

I just learned that if you’re pregnant and eat a lot of garlic, it makes your amniotic fluid smell and taste like garlic. So your baby just floats around in a garlic soup for nine months straight with no escape.

You’ve heard of Duo Lingo, but I found Uno Longo.

Maybe I’m just a bit silly in the head but pls let me know if you also see time like this. I’ve been trying to explain it but I can only describe it with a drawing - this is exactly what a day is to me. This just feels so much more right than a clock.

Okay never mind I just yawned consistently for an hour straight and it just popped. Thank you earwax gods.

I'm now on my fourth day in a row of getting the wordle in 2. I might actually be a witch.