When the YMCA kicked me out in July for being too disabled, the council put me on the homeless prevention scheme. For two months, they popped me in various hotels around Nottingham. Every few days, I'd get a new booking confirmation which included a price of how much the booking was. (1/?)

trying to explain to the monkey who ended up eventually typing the complete works of shakespeare why he's getting rejected by publishers

Foreigners are stealing our jobs and raking it in but they’d also rather fight, kill and eat a swan than pay £4 for a whole chicken from Aldi? Sure, Jan.

I can sell insurance to any body of water! Well, any ocean. And maybe one river. Tees and Seas apply.

Automatically reposts and follows me if you like any of my posts. This feature should only apply to my posts and my posts alone.

"You've had some cowboys in here" - Heath Ledger's proctologist.

Who's your favourite James Bond? Mine is the spy from the films.

i hate james bond. oooh, i just shagged entendre jiggletits. also, my shoe is a gun. fuck off.

Just sent my first invoice with my new address on it. It's the little things in life.

Went to take painkillers for a raging headache I had and accidentally took the dogs worming tablets. When I rang the vet to ask if I would be okay she said "uh you realise we're animal doctors? Maybe ring your actual doctor?" Now we have to change vet.

Now he's a cottage pie Fed to a hungry guy By a successful rest'rateur

🎵 Mr Potato Head She said "see ya later, head" He wasn't spud enough for her

Gaaah I live in a flat! I have a big, spacious and naturally light room! And an ADDRESS. God, do you know how stressful it is not to have a fucking ADDRESS in this world? Very happy Friz.

It's been a wild ride/infuriating ball-ache navigating the various bureaucracies, ineptitudes of the housing support system (and to be fair, collaborating with the nicer public sector and charity workers who actually want to help), but it's finally over. Happy Not-Homeless Day, Friz! 💜💙🩷

My boyfriend always knows exactly what to say.

Today is going to be a good day. One of my partners are coming up to help me move into my new flat and then I'm headlining a gig later. It is all very exciting. Usually September is a post-Fringe comedown, but too many good things keep happening! What's the catch?!

Haven't checked my ClearSky in a while and it appears I've recently been blocked by a dead man. A man who has been dead for a while now, mind. Baffling.

NOTTINGHAM COMEDY FESTIVAL Friz Frizzle's Funny Turn will be showing on Saturday 1st November. Parodies! DWP! Medical woes! Catch the best show I've ever written. www.nottinghamcomedyfestival.co.uk/friz-frizzle...

🎵 Mr Potato Head She said "see ya later, head" He wasn't spud enough for her

I have no idea why this comedy night are using AI versions of comedians instead of... photos of them? Lenny and Pat look nothing like these pod people. What the fuck is going on.

Robbie, Mark, Gary and Howard all had their own solo/collaborated careers away from Take That, but not Jason. Because nobody rhymes with Orange.

I heard they only raptured the straight people so well done, I guess!

Hi @adilray.bsky.social if you ever wrote an autobiography may I suggest the title "When There's Adil There's a Ray" ok thanks bye x

I've updated all my dating profiles, bi and large.

Move into the new flat tomorrow. I was in a homeless shelter for two years and was kicked out of there for being too disabled back in July. It's been quite the roller coaster. It'll be nice to have a space I can call my own. To those who have helped/supported me in tough times: thank you so much.

I hope the government text alert happens when the rapture starts.

Welcome to the Tax Evade

There's a good 30 minutes in the middle of Elio. It is, essentially, A Bug's Life in space. Also, the best Pixar films are a nice mesh of comedy and drama. This is all drama all the time. When your heartstrings are tugged in all directions the whole time, there's very little heart left to be had.

peter kay if he was on threads: garlic thread!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I'm watching Elio, the latest Pixar film, which tries to answer to brave question of "what if a kid was autistic".

The replies to this are making my eyes boil

You couldn't make Barry Norman's Film '85 these days because of woke :(

Welcome to the Tax Evade

You couldn't make Barry Norman's Film '85 these days because of woke :(

The Mirror headlines will be like STAR OF CULT TV SHOW CONFESSES SECRET THAT MAKES FANS HEARTBROKEN and it'll be some cunt of The Bill announcing they're lactose intolerant.

The Mirror headlines will be like STAR OF CULT TV SHOW CONFESSES SECRET THAT MAKES FANS HEARTBROKEN and it'll be some cunt of The Bill announcing they're lactose intolerant.

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

One of our cats ate some string and it's already been incredibly expensive just to confirm whether it's even in there. If he needs surgery it's going to cost more. We don't have a lot of money but we want to save our boy. If you can, please consider helping.

Yeah man we should really fight back by staying on X

Cancel all your streaming subscriptions and install Stremio. Thank me later.

I don't think this driving test is going well :(

NSFW

The mnemonic device for this is, of course, Hilary Clinton.

Twitch streamer: "Thank you for the six months!" Oncologist: "You're taking this VERY well"

Twitch streamer: "Thank you for the six months!" Oncologist: "You're taking this VERY well"

The Simpsons make about six to eight episodes a year that were as good as they were during the "classic" era. Especially since Matt Selman took over as showrunner.

I am here all day and have recieved eye drops so I dont know if I'm typing correctly. I might be getting lasers soon! I won't ve able to read your replies until later. Jello!