Headlines That Sound Like They Were Written In An Urgent Tone Of Voice

"Happy birthday and sorry for punching your daughter."

If you say you turned down an OBE or whatever as a protest, does anyone ever check to see if you were ever offered one? Might say I told Charles to stick his knighthood up his arse next year.

"Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite... would you like a toasted teacake?"

Uh-oh.

Toby Young bemoans the fact people involved in public service for the NHS and National Trust are named in the honour's list when as we all know they should be given to a bloke who made lewd comments about the breasts of Danny Boyle's young daughter & joked about sodomising his co-host.

The mortuary cosmetologist has a unique opportunity...

"Neil before Zod" A chronological list of people who have stood on the moon.

When you say the "I'm going to remain president forever without the need for elections and have my confirmation inauguration in the gaudy bulletproof dance bunker I built" part out loud.

I was on the bus, stood behind a very distinctive-looking girl I'd known since we were both kids and greeted her by prodding her on the shoulder and saying "Alright, dickhead?" It wasn't her.

When those columnists use phrases like 'Kill the trans cult', 'Finish off the trans movement' etc they want to use the word 'people' instead of 'cult' or 'movement' but they know it'll be another 12-18 months before they're allowed to.

The earl of Derby has been given an OBE and will now be known as an earlobe.

I was stood behind Janine off of EastEnders in the pub and told her she'd dropped her purse.

Further evidence that in a relationship one person is more chronically online than the other. My wife just said she's going to try and make a recipe she read for crab rangoon. I said "Things of that nature?" and was met with a blank stare.

Kushner sat on the end like a ventriloquist dummy moonlighting as a seat filler for the Oscars.

Trump first announced his campaign to be president in June 2015 when MTG was 41 years old. I would politely suggest that her aggression, zealotry and unwillingness to admit fault predates anything she may have learned from him. It makes a change for Trump to *be* a scapegoat but here we are.

"She had an ass that wouldn't quit. We tried taking her ass through the disciplinary procedure, seeing if it was a training issue but her ass got the union involved, it turned into a whole thing. In the end we had to offer her ass voluntary redundancy."

Jam tomorrow news:

I'm making tarka dal because it's a shame to let a perfectly good otter go to waste.

They're the worst kind of bears, record bears. Cornering you and going on about how much better vinyl sounds.

"I'll tell you who *should* have their citizenship removed - people who (minor social faux pas or slightly annoying behaviour goes here), that's who."

That's probably the longest he's gone without insulting anybody in his adult life.

Okay, it didn't happen in time for Christmas but you never know - it could happen in time for the new year. Maybe even in the run up to midnight. That'd be some way to start 2026.

Henry Ford's dad was Irish, the first commercial US pilot was of Hungarian descent, USA's nuclear program relied heavily on immigrant scientists, Buzz Aldrin's grandparents were Swedish immigrants & Miller's ancestors escaped both the Russian pogrom & the Holocaust. He's a moron & a fascist.

At some point a reporter is going to look at their notepad, look at Trump, check their bank balance on their phone, look at the ground for a bit, heave a massive sigh, stand up and shout "Oh fuck off, you deranged, lying old cunt, you. Just fuck off. Can you not just fuck off?" and walk out.

Jaws is on Netflix so I'm watching Jaws because why wouldn't you?

If you need to tell the difference between Jimmy Carr and a ventriloquist dummy, one of them is a lifeless prop telling jokes somebody else has written and etc and so forth.

This is just going to always be my go-to response to this kind of thing anthonymoser.github.io/writing/ai/h...

Little Tommy trying to co-opt the Anglican Church while his mates try to do the same to the National Trust is a pincer movement aimed at winning over largely-apolitical middle-aged, middle-England white voters whose drift toward retirement hasn't worked out the way they'd hoped & need a reason why.

These do not look like they are simulating the faces of adult women, do they? What kind of audience wants to pretend to talk to minors whose consent is immaterial? Grim, grim stuff.

(Hamburger stands not pictured)

I'm game. Will he post it to me or how does this work?

Can't believe they're gone. They're with the angles now. youtu.be/nPnZ9SLb2EM?...

"I don't do fantastical things, I don't do high concept" said the writer, director and star of The Invention Of Lying, set in an alternate reality where the concept of lying doesn't exist.

Made easier by the fact none of those named bands made a perfect album. This, however...

Just write the fucking thing. There's a thousand variations on support and inspiration and craft but none of it matters if you don't commit to just writing the fucking thing.

A sure sign of innocence is settling an $8bn lawsuit rather than having to talk about your business practices under oath.

Not really thought this through so there may be nothing to it but is the old Beano/Dandy trope of the hero getting a slap-up feast of comfort food because the creators grew up in post-war rationing so the height of luxury was an abundance of food?

“Heh heh, I’ve tricked the Restaurant de Posh into giving me this huge plate of bangers and mash. Now for a feast, eh readers?”

How I'm walking out of 2025.

If people want to film their own podcasts I'm fine with that but podcasts that drop in adverts that are SUDDENLY THIRTY DECIBELS LOUDER need to be flung into a volcano.

🎶I like big butts and I cannot lie If she makes no contact with her eyes When a girl walks in and she's two hours late with a story to relate You get sprung🎶

The trouble with a visionary artist being a massive arsehole is that too often we give them a pass for their terrible views due to the overwhelming cultural heft of their body of work and their creative genius and this is clearly the case with Biggins.

I think about this quite a lot

One thing I genuinely love is venerable actors in potboiler action films enunciating sci-fi/comic book guff in deadly serious tones when you know they haven't a clue what they're saying & furthermore, so long as the cheque clears, they don't care. Current iteration - Bill Nighy in Detective Pikachu.

Currently reading a book about Zeno's paradoxes. I'm halfway through but I don't think I'll ever finish it.

Don't complain to Phyllis Nelson about your long commute to work, she's only got one answer. #TOTP

Not really. One of them wrote a cheque with 'Half a trillion dollars' on it and they've just been passing it round each other ever since.

If a film doesn't have any Marvel-type post-credits scenes, they should play the Smith & Jones song when it finishes: "That's it, that is the end of it No tiny titbits, stuck on just after it, This is the end, end, end"