Who writes books about detectives and lies under teapots? Sir Arthur Conan Doily

Patience is a virtue. #WorldBollardAssociation

Good fact: The current keyboardist for The Offspring is Leonard Nimoy's grandson.

There are no words to describe how happy shit like this makes me. Absolutely masterful set-up and reveal from 1:07. I howled

You hardly ever read news articles about which types of food contain the smallest amounts of energy. There needs to be more investment in lo-cal journalism.

I always wanted power of attorney, but when the opportunity came along, I lost the will.

I got hit with a rhythm stick at the office last week so I’ve hired a workplace Ian Dury lawyer.

After a lot of phone calls, I’ve finally agreed, as Britain’s handsomest man, to be the next James Bond. But with the following stipulations: - Everyone has to be nice to me - No effing and jeffing - I need a haircut - New catchphrase: “A can of Kronenbourg please. Please don’t shake it. Please.”

Journalist friends, please respond to the UK government's consultation on late payments and poor practices. The NUJ has responses to help your submission. This is an important opportunity for every freelance journalist. #StopTheFreelanceRipOff: nuj.org.uk/resource/stop-the-freelance-rip-off.html

And is there a Mr andry 😏😏🙏😉🙂

random thought ive had for weeks: a version of “Virtua Cop” where Buffalo Springfield gently warns you when bad guys appear

"Whereabouts in Colorado do you live?" "Boulder." "Oh, okay. 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞?"

thinking once again about one of the all-time great newspaper mixups, when Dennis the Menace and The Far Side got their captions swapped

They call it a closet because you put your clos in et

If you wear two small trenchcoats you can sneak into a U film at the cinema.

I couldn’t afford System Of A Down tickets. Damned Serj pricing. I SAID I COULDN’T AFF

Exciting! There's No Such Thing As A Silly Question has been longlisted for the UK Literacy Association Book Awards in the Information 3-14 category alongside 19 other beautiful, fascinating titles that it is ace just to be discussed alongside. (But my book is the best.) ukla.org/ukla-book-aw...

a pair of baby shoes with a ton of wear and tear on em tells a pretty sad story too. what could this baby have been running from

"I had a lovely chat over a hot drink with a friend from a nation bordering Somalia." "Did you brew tea?" "No, Ethiopia is the nation of origin of the friend with whom I enjoyed a microwaved instant coffee."

Good news for Dutch people who hate their partner's shoe collection

Medical diagnosis

Behind the scenes on Thomas and Friends. '🚂

The actual link is just interestingskull.beehiiv.com

I have moved my excellent monthly newsletter Interesting Skull to Beehiiv. Existing subscribers, all seven of them, should get it in half an hour. If you don't subscribe to it, you should, it's very good. interestingskull.beehiiv.com/subscribe

“I’ve got a plan to get hold of a bunch of ancient Egyptian coffins.” “Sarcophagi?” “No, I’m bidding for them in an auction.”

I am available for freelance writing work. mikerampton at gmail dot com. I am very funny!

Thirsty, I reached for the shelf where the port and sherry are kept. But what I drank went against all comprehension and avoided being contemplated. I’d accidentally picked up thought-defied wine.

I don't care what brand of fortified wine I grab when it's thundery. Any port in a storm.

Just a reminder to check for your name in this list of books that OpenAI trained from. If your name is there, they probably owe you several thousand dollars. OpenAI cried that if everyone eligible author files, the company will go bankrupt, so I'm alerting every author I have ever spoken to.

How did we miss this? They like roundabouts because to use them you have to give way to the right 🤦🏾

I regret to inform subscribers to my magnificent monthly newsletter Interesting Skull that it'll be a week late this month. I hope neither of you are too inconvenienced.

It's Friday!!!! Which means it's nearly the weekend!!!! Which means it's nearly Monday again!!!! Repeat until death.

I’ve bought a snooker rest. This could have far-reaching consequences.

"I'm going to write a song about lava in a kind of easy-listening, adult contemporary style." "Soft rock?" "Yes, that will be the subject of the song I write in a kind of easy-listening, adult contemporary style."

standing with glinner? no. i'm SITTING for DINNER. with my wife, who has not left me,

sweeping the “hooters breakfast menu” category on jeopardy then looking into the audience to see my wife giving me a thumbs down

By age 30, you should have a magic act, your own ministry, some prostitute friends, and an omnipotent, all-loving father who orchestrates your crucifixion

What's up olives, you lads tapenade or 'ardly tappin

"I have a deeply contemplative friend who enjoys yoghurts with fruity bits in compartments." "Muller?" "Yes, he's quite the excogitator."

My wife was unimpressed when Sir Steve Redgrave served us a meal, twitching constantly. She'd wanted to go out for a different kind of row man tic dinner.

The start of every 80s movie:

“Ive been asked to give a statement about how I feel regarding alkaline products used in soap-making but am not sure what to say.” “Lye?” “No, I insist on being honest, I just have complex feelings towards all these hydroxides that I find it hard to articulate succinctly.”

ugh. my favorite restaurant just updated their menu and it sucks now. everything is just a little too sweet and they put like the same four elements on every dish. jack antonoff produced it

Silly I know but one likes to imagine her majesty up in heaven smiling approvingly as patriots paint a mini roundabout at 1am. Perhaps Paddington is there too passing her a marmalade sandwich, his paw lingering on her soft feminine hand for a moment too long.. ❤️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

"This fizzy drink has a totally tropical taste!" I said with a lilt.

As some habitual games that people here play are going behind paywalls, it's time to promote my free game Cortextual – not only does it have a daily "find the word" game but also a free-play game where later levels are more taxing than you'd think. Just match the twinned letters, numbers and emojis!

“I spoke to a friend in a town on the south coast in a drily sarcastic manner.” “Rye?” “I’d say ‘sardonic’ was a better description of the manner I demonstrated during my recent conversation in Littlehampton.”

"Pat, why do you carry that ridiculous 600mm lens on long hikes?" Buddy, I can see mountains reflected in the eyes of a trailside pika.

It’s fun posting copies of your own book because they ask Is the item of any value? and you have to say No