I don't say it often enough, but I want you to know that I tolerate all of you very much. Happy Valentine's Day

We had our 1st official date on a February 15th because Valentine's day would have been awkward. We've been together 33 years, so avoiding Valentine's day has continued to work well for us.

We’ve always been told that we need 8 hours sleep each night, which we all know, is about 4 hours more than humanly possible as an adult.

It's possible that I slept for six hours last night. It's also possible that I only dreamed this.

Wow, that was an exceptionally good cappuccino that I made this morning. ☕ Really gets you thinking about what other possibilities the day has in store. 🤔

"How are you doing?" [Do they really want to know? Are they prepared?] [It's hard to describe how and where I hurt, but you know how it feels when you crush your toe into a table leg? Yeah, kinda like that, but your entire body, inside and out. All the time.] 🤔 Okay, and you?

Soaking in a vat of industrial strength lidocaine ointment.

A weighted blanket seems redundant these days.

Why is Fear Factor still on? Like isn’t all ✨this✨ enough?

Are you anxious or are you simply correctly assessing the numerous threats

[first day as a computer tech] have you tried turning it off and leaving it off

“How’s the water today?” I ask. She stares out to the horizon. “Feels like violence,” she says. I nod. Even on the pier, I feel the anger seething inside me. The black sludge depths calling me. “Guess I’ll go for a dip,” I say. She nods, still squinting into the distance.

One thing curling has taught me is it doesn't matter what country you're from, the louder you shout the more Scottish you sound

Today is one of those days I regret learning how to read

please let me know if you hear about any haunted libraries that are hiring

I can't be mildly amused until after I've had some tums

Looking for a medicine that will give me side-eye effects

two blank stares passing in the night

In 1977 NASA launched the Voyager spacecraft, including a CD with the song Johnny B. Goode, on a mission to study the solar system & beyond. The extraterrestrials who open it will get another CD every month from Columbia House at full price and be hounded for life by intergalactic debt collectors.

Finally bit the bullet, moving to the country to eat a shitload of peaches

The only things keeping me going are audacity and spite

[climbing out of the dumpster] fri-yay

The message a disappointingly large segment of Americans need to absorb…but won’t before it’s too late.

This Valentine’s Day, give her what she really wants. A shiny new sword.

The Olympic announcers sound like the voice in my head. Oh, she made a small bobble! What a shame! It’s over. Everything she trained for is ruined.

Best advertisement I’ve seen so far at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival

A quick skeet to take the edge off

You're the D in duh.

"But prosecuting these disgusting, loathsome, depraved ghouls would collapse our corrupt, criminal, capitalist, cabal system." And? 🤔

Most people don’t know this: Heat pumps REDUCE gas consumption even if running 100% on electricity from a gas fired power plant. More here in my piece for @carbonbrief.org👇 interactive.carbonbrief.org/factcheck/he...

Nothing ruins my weekend more quickly than the fact that it’s Wednesday.

[Throws a rock with a note tied to it, at your window].. "Hey, did you get my subskeet?"

I got your subskeet.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

[pulitzer prize ceremony] Son: I'd like to dedicate this to my father [camera cuts to me eating corn nuts in a darth vader t-shirt]

The tightrope of life that we walk each day.. A precarious balance maintained between moving cautiously or even optimistically ahead, holding delicately steady, and being overwhelmed by the chasm of adversity we are traversing. Resolute, we take another step.

The void is temporarily closed for maintenance

"This is not the void. Please refrain from screaming here." - Abyss Management

why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.

I let a post ferment overnight in the new draft folder. Is it supposed to smell like that? 🤔

i’ve deleted 5 drafts, so it’s working

asking people who talk to me irl to use alt text

By spending the morning screaming into the void, our afternoon is free to enjoy the view of the emotional abyss.

always remember: not everything is your fault, just the stuff that happened since you were born

It would be cool in the afterlife if you got to sit down for dinner conversations with brilliant inventors like Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison and whoever came up with the spork.

My therapist told me not to rest on my past accomplishments. I'm 64. I'm exhausted. I'm resting on any horizontal surface I can find.

Shout out to the free samples lady who gave me the Heimlich

MURDER SCENE- DETECTIVE: Did your husband have any enemies that you know of? WIFE: Well, the cat next door never seemed to like him and I always thought that was odd.

I can bruh, dawg and dude with the best of them, man.