My Monday goal is simple: make it to bedtime without accidentally biting someone.

Dislikes you <respectfully>

My instrusive thoughts are mainly about consuming obscene amounts of cheese. Well that, and death. But mostly cheese

Texting random numbers...Are you sleeping?

Rub my ass like genies lamp and make a wish.

computer going to take my job? no. i’ll pour water on it

They should teach you useful things you'll use as an adult in school, like how to do your taxes, or how much blood on the toilet paper is normal

You remind me of someone I used to be.

My best replies are to deleted posts.

wonder what fun the next worst week of my life has in store

Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.

Today’s vibe: half a personality, and coffee that tastes like survival.

Coffee so strong i can baste the turkey and my soul.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you’re sure.

A Wednesday that is actually a Friday just proves that dreams do come true.

I’m tired AGAIN? I was just tired every day before this

Selfie Post ✌️☮️

Sunday, i’m gonna need you to slow down. Ain’t no one in a rush to get to work on Monday

Coffee has taught me that I can’t live without coffee.

Welcome to another episode of “Am I dying or is this just what being old feels like?”

A little upset.. I was missing and no one bothered to put my face on a milk carton.

This week is all about coffee and survival.

[real big smile] i’m not doing well

don't be a hater, stuff your mouth full of taters

I love when my house is filled with the scent of fresh air.

It's Friday so I'm going to treat myself to some luxury items like toothpaste and deodorant.

Halloween Costume Idea: Sexy Government Shutdown

there's sweater weather, cardigan, but no flannel season? make it make sense.

I don’t ask for much- just a constant stream of validation, adoration, shiny objects, and crullers

Body by Reese’s Pumpkins

Seasons don’t matter. Iced coffee is just who I am.

People don’t mean half the words they say and don’t understand the other half they use.

You remind me a lot of decaf coffee. You’re here but no one’s impressed.

Prioritize self-care as a daily ritual!✨️

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

Sipping on Sunday coffee like it's holy water.

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

What? You don’t talk to the gremlins that live in your electronic devices?

Sorry I missed everything today. Was out having a life.

I'd be the one to send you eyeroll gifs from across the room at a party..hinting let's go.

Me: omg who stole my post. My head: you changed your profile picture. Me: oh yeah. Bourbon = 1 Me = 0

Sure, we can do it you're way. But, its dumb.

His Internet went out so he's shitposting in the streets.

it’s never too late to learn to put your phone away while intoxicated