Seasons don’t matter. Iced coffee is just who I am.

People don’t mean half the words they say and don’t understand the other half they use.

You remind me a lot of decaf coffee. You’re here but no one’s impressed.

Prioritize self-care as a daily ritual!✨️

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

Sipping on Sunday coffee like it's holy water.

These nonstop LEGO ads are really starting to break me down… brick by brick.

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

What? You don’t talk to the gremlins that live in your electronic devices?

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here, wondering if I should make cheesecake tomorrow

I thought I was having a panic attack. Turns out my bra was just too tight.

It’s really rude how often I need to pee.

Sorry I missed everything today. Was out having a life.

I'd be the one to send you eyeroll gifs from across the room at a party..hinting let's go.

Me: omg who stole my post. My head: you changed your profile picture. Me: oh yeah. Bourbon = 1 Me = 0

Sure, we can do it you're way. But, its dumb.

His Internet went out so he's shitposting in the streets.

it’s never too late to learn to put your phone away while intoxicated

Every wedding reception has one drunk guy who thinks the worm is still impressive.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Friday morning coffee: because surviving the week deserves a victory lap.

I don’t fix problems I just over caffeinate them.

Nights like tonight I just need it to be morning with a coffee in each of my hands.

Wife: I don’t know if I want to watch that movie. Do any animals die? Me: No, but some people die. Wife: That won’t bother me.

My word is more binding than a diet lacking fiber.

Me: **tying a noose** Therapist: That’s not what “hang in there” means.

Everyone has heard of Casual Fridays, but have you ever tried Casual Wednesdays?

hello darkness my old friend, i’ve come to party rock with you again

we’re all a lot more forgettable than we realize

I just want to look pretty and ignore my responsibilities.

I tell you what, my bots are way better looking than yours.

What's round and deliberately cruel? A vicious circle.

Having a black cat means sometimes I talk to a sweater on my bed.

I left my palm prints on the outside of your bedroom window. Please respond.

If my blood was a bsky post it would be typo

"You can be right without being a dick about it!" -Bob Odenkirk

Might just fuck around and run with two pairs of scissors.

If anyone knows the correct answer to “wtf?” please let me know.

My credit card statement just broke my heart.

They’re doing it because you do nothing to stop it.

I'm not leaving my house without Hulk Hands ever again.

Late bloomers? So you mean, like, nighttime underwear?

Every setback is just life’s way of reminding you that you need more coffee.

1am again.

“You’re so judgmental”, they said, judgementally.

Keep your enemies close and your nine inch nails closer

My personality today is 40% human, 60% coffee.

Hey (with the intention of clogging your toilet)