Having to pick which to pay between two different necessities is not the American dream.

If I wasn’t familiar with the terminology and you were talking about a ‘tush push’ I’d assume we were talking about porn. Being about football just feels counterintuitive.

I don't get down with pumpkin spice. I'm more of a chai whore.

We will just start calling all of the things “one of the things”. It’s the only way to survive right now.

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

pulling on the penis. popping it like a finger knuckle

You can jump off of any Bridge you want just probably only once

Shut up , Carrie.

Me: omg who stole my post. My head: you changed your profile picture. Me: oh yeah. Bourbon = 1 Me = 0

Hey. I don’t need “Lean On Me” right now. I need “Crazy Train.” Read the room. Dummy.

Your hat is stupid. And I love hats.

batman has midlife crisis and starts a more comprehensive night time moisturiser and anti-aging serum ritual for the lower half of his face

pumpkin spoice

87% of any social interaction is spent wondering what to do with my arms.

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

I’m am independent thinker who questions everything, so excuse me if I don’t blindly accept the official narrative that “it’s 10 o’clock” and I’m “two hours late for work and obviously hungover.”

this email could have been a message in a bottle floating out at sea

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

It’s so expensive to be alive right now and it’s not even fun.

Just wanted to come say hi amongst all the complete fuckery.

I love learning.

I want Uber to offer a new service, not for picking me up, but for running me over.

Me: Gangs of crabs should be called crewstaceans. Doctor: Lol. Ok you've got crewstaceans.

librarians are always silently judging you. no…silenter.

They were like you're such a bitch. And i was like we all have our things we excel at.

I actually loathe social media. I got enough drama during kickball at recess.

It’s been so long. I hope people are still alive and stuff.

I never really got into Jumanji. It seemed too possible so it was scary. Now that I’m older I feel even more strongly about my analysis of the movie(s). Fuck that.

My 13yr old daughter knows what’s up.

Had to unfollow the fucking White House. They obviously know nothing about Star Wars. Blasphemy.

A little more Tupac and a little less Puffy please.

Get with the times and quit calling them chores. Ask your kids if you can sign up for their cleaning subscription.

I’m extremely attractive if you just glance at me for a quick sec

My depression meds went straight to my ass. Dope.

Help! I’m babysitting my 6 month old Italian nephew and I need to know how often I should shave his back

I've said it before and I'll say it again because I have a terrible memory

Imagine hating me and I’m just sitting here watching PBS like a super heathen.

I need square ice cubes immediately and automatically. I’m sick of being a fucking peasant.

I’m still rallying. Go wine.

At this point we should all rally for wine. 🍷

*flirting* I drank water today.

I have an ear leak. I think this is the end.

Music is my favorite thing.

I like being alone because there are no expectations or surprises. I hate being alone because it’s lonely and I have bullshit to spew.

I’m going to go ahead and quit. I tried. Thanks for all the things.

Why can’t the oil just be virgin? Why’s it gotta be all extra and shit? I don’t like extra. Especially in my virgins. I mean… virgin oils.

Quit calling bad shit good. This is why everything is bad shit.