I’m making a movie about an elderly gentleman getting dentures and I’m going to call it “No crunchy for old men”

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I was busy trying to open a produce bag for my apples

People: nice jeep, here’s a duck Winter: nice smile, here’s seasonal depression

Convinced my ex to get bangs before we broke up so that I’d find someone new first.

Oh, you’re an old soul? Name 3 of your children who died of consumption

My reaction to citronella suggests that I may in fact be part mosquito

I only watch South Park for the american politics updates. it’s like the news but honest.

Sorry i’m late, my morning fart ritual ran long.

what i mean when i say ima "skedaddle"

When you see nine birds together that’s a flock 9.

Step 1: Watch all seasons of The Great British Sewing Bee Step 2: Attempt to alter every garment in my wardrobe to make it custom fitted and special Step 3: ? Step 4: Wear barrel

Correction: there are no butterflies in my stomach- I hardly ever even nibble on butterflies

If you look at the shape of a vagina it makes sense that babies are born in the shape of a pancake” -Flat Birthers

Show dominance by clapping as the plane takes off.

I love that courtroom sketches are still a thing. Leaves open the possibility that a smurf or two was there

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

I ordered a cheese plate for dessert last night, which speaks directly to my outstanding and honourable quality of character, IMO.

You can never stand backward on stairs.

It was probably a dog who invented the fact that they can’t eat raisins.

My boyfriend got kicked off the cyber truck waiting list for having sex.

Me: *makes a mental note* Also me: *immediately forgets mental note*

Absolutely no one: Cats: might I suggest the butthole-in-your-face pairing with breakfast this morning?

Sure filling my neighbours gas tank with water is bad But dumping 75 bags of pancake mix into my neighbours pool is batter

I’m just like any other sleep deprived girl, I blink one eye at a time

New breakfast food …. Apocalyp-Tarts

Ozzy Unborn am I right?

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it Son: have you done this before or are you just going to....WING IT?!? Me: no…..dummy, I can't lawfully touch him it's...ILL- EAGLE

People often overlook the fact that gingerbread men live inside gingerbread houses that are effectively made of their own skin. Those sadistic mother fuckers sit at their dinner tables on gingerbread chairs, knowing their gingerbread friends likely died to build and furnish the place. It’s sick.

I’m living chip bag to chip bag.

Applying for remote jobs just to escape the office snacks that keep bullying me into eating them.

You become an adult the first time you go to the beach and are driven to madness by the sand

Feeling good, might feign ignorance for a joke and wait for the replies to change that

Flat earthers will have brain surgery to turn their hemispheres into hemisphlats.

“it was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” I say as I throw away all the vegetables I had delivered last week to make room for the vegetables I just had delivered

*wife getting ready for work* Me: Is it going to fuck you up if I take a 40 min shit?

Wild that detectives and trained dogs can find human remains in the wilderness based on scant clues but my husband and kids can't find the ketchup in the fridge in the same spot it always is

I don't wanna take care of myself when I'm sick. I'm the one that got me into this mess, why would you expect me to get me out of it

Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul... News: Brain eating amoeba confirmed in South Carolina

A party game where you have to guess the medicine by the side effects

Everyone’s a gangster until it’s time to peel a boiled egg

I wonder if men who smoke are aware it makes their dick and balls slowly shrink up and get all tiny.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

grown ass man who brings his emotional support water bottle everywhere but never actually drinks it

My mug says "every day I'm hustlin," and I think perhaps I'll open the blinds today

100 cans of baked beans on the wall. 100 cans of baked beans.

Here's what I've come to realize:

Mentally I’m on a yacht. Physically I’m in a Zoom meeting I didn’t even accept.

Kind of like performance art, but it’s just me completely falling to pieces.

I deadass can’t believe how terms like deadass slip into the vernacular