I have decided to part ways with my band that does death metal covers of Anne Murray songs. I wish Shadows in the Moonlight all the best in their future endeavors

i'm great at distracting people from obsessing about their problems by giving them new obscure things to worry about instead, and if you don't like that idea I also offer doing exactly that but 10x faster

But remember that the magical truth about Christmas gift shopping is

I’m tired AGAIN? I was just tired every day before this

No it starts with COM. Open the schools!

today is my bsky anniversary so I just want to say: I will never stop terrorizing you. you will not win.

Clicking to find out which one got a gun

Being an adult rules you can do whatever you want. I like to sit down on my chair and complain nonstop about literally every single thing in the god damn world

I’m spending November holding back the forces of Christmas with the Holy Talisman

you got any games on your phone

sometimes you gotta say unhinged shit and move on

gave myself a little treat this morning

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

The opposite of cellar door is creamy coleslaw

The president of america isn’t “dumb” he just doesn’t say words right or understand any of them

Your Doordash driver (Tim) is on his way with your pizza and one of those big skeletons from Home Depot

Sorry I’m late, boss. I had to give my cat uppies

Schools: don't use AI Jobs: use chatgpt or we'll kill your dog *cocks gun*

a Comedy Central Roast of me but like everyone is actually really nice and tells me I'm pretty and I just sit there like

As a former jnco jean goth/alt loser, I hate seeing normal people wearing wide leg pants now... feels like stolen valor

bachelorbator masturbator doctorbator

Wearing American Eagle jeans today... But in all fairness they're vintage and were probably made before Sidney was born

“I kissed a dead bird I found on the side of the road once and got chirpes, which is a canarial disease.”

Vance visiting Trump at Walter Reed

“What would you do for a Klondike bar?” Man what WOULDNT you do? Where is your integrity? Your dignity??

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (oooh) I am

You’re in America. Rate the following on how many rights each is afforded: Companies as people Actually people American flag Guns Women

moby dick is short for Mobile Dickhead

how i'm waiting in line to be executed by the state

I haven't been around because I'm developing a new treatment option that involves going to sleep for two years and waking up well. It's going to be wildly popular, expensive, and y'all can say you knew me when

Millennials are death-maxxing.

me, getting bribed: where the fuck are the chips

That’s too many meats, Arby’s… you gotta stop, man y-you gotta stop

this is what US politics sounds like right now

contracting the It Follows entity and just jerking off relentlessly instead of passing it on

Doing hard drugs tonight (sleepytime tea and ashwagandha)

Kids today will never know what it’s like to turn 40

This is the least concerning thing that’s has happened in the US in years

Just got home from a road trip with a good friend who did not say "cow" when there was a cow and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that he has no soul

2026 Wagon Queen Family Truckster just released

These are the mosquitoes bill gates promised

I see you peeping my media tab for more of my dog, and I love you for it

Mercurial: volatile, temperamental Mercurious: might fuck a mermaid

Attention Hollywood do I have to do all the thinking around here

clear holodeck recent programs

Me: (birdwatching) ooo a brown one

🎵 I was lookin for grubs In all the wrong places Lookin for grubs In pots and in vases 🎵