I crucified Jesus

I want soup made by a family member

None of my business

(comforting a kid at their dad's funeral) you know, your daddy always told me he wished he was dead (kid starts crying) he's uhh he's not though. he's fine. i saw him at the gas station. mommy told a lie

The Simpsons predicted my skin turning yellow from liver disease

please don’t speak to me in the hall I am purposefully disassociating

Sorry i spoke to you in the hall when you were purposefully dissociating

I found my @ggallin.bsky.social hat!

One Nut Nazi

Korn had two types of songs and they’re either called Stinky Party or Got Molested

Chalices and goblets are the exact same bullshit to me

Put this on my grave

jokes on you - i was already gonna push a rock up a hill forever

Being an adult rules you can do whatever you want. I like to sit down on my chair and complain nonstop about literally every single thing in the god damn world

Careful please, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Being an adult rules you can do whatever you want. I like to sit down on my chair and complain nonstop about literally every single thing in the god damn world

a car so smart it’s sad

My knowledge base is so exhaustive it doesn’t even register on the rodeo scale ✌️

Levels of “I ain’t readin’ all that”: off the charts

I’m ODing on the experience of being human and alive

If you are a billionaire governor I don’t think posting ”damn that’s crazy” counts as doing everything in your power

The personal computer was mistake. Computers should be huge and scary

Mentally i’m Jared leto and I’ve been doing a silent meditation in the desert from which I’ve just now returned and heard about Alien hand syndrome

if I ever meet Paul McCartney I’m gonna call him big dawg

shut the government down who give a fuck

In the last two weeks i’ve fallen down a flight of stairs and stabbed myself, what are you doing to prepare for battle?

Eating chips at the art museum and saying Rembrandt 'isnt that good' but having to repeat it a few times because my mouth is so full

Sick of everything sucking shit, or at least so many things, if not all

Normalize turning into a bird and flying off into the sky

Generals I have gathered you here today to make sure the military isn't doing anything gay or black

holding up a crucifix at a gamer

Steal my art. i dont care

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Haveing a normal one !

I'll have a men's hot dog, please

The opposite of cellar door is creamy coleslaw

*takes long drag of cigarette* *slowly exhales* Yeah, things ain't optimal at this juncture.

I will continue canceling Disney+ until my other demands are met

These are high school bully fucking losers who deserve to be proverbially shoved into a locker and put back in their place

🙄

tylenol PM causes autistic vampires

i will never ‘Finish setting up my phone’

"Stop calling us Nazis," said the Nazi nazingly.

They should make an episode of dora the explorer where she smokes a cigarette

Tom Hanks be pissing

The president of america isn’t “dumb” he just doesn’t say words right or understand any of them