Walked into the bathroom and Johnny Cash's "Amazing Grace" is playing and now I'm crying and pissing

I don’t mind spiders I just don’t want them in my house doing that in front of my kids

You, 6ft tall, full head of hair: i cant get into these crevices im too big and they snag my hair. Me, 5'6 and bald, emerging from a crevice: yeah I wouldn't know, man

Praying that mitch mcconnell looks more like a turtle than ever rn

World Crap

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

most shockingly of all, the alien craft was reportedly adorned with a sort of bumper sticker that said "Earth Hoes Cant Fuck"

What if you invented something you’re really proud of and then all the villagers said it’s from the devil :(

Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

*Eying my uncle's new toilet jealously* yeah its nice and everything, just hope its not too much bowl for ya, is all

Oh good my favorite

Imagine your mom saying the best five minutes of her life was Eminem’s 2000 VMA performance, now you know how my kids feel

crushing it ✌️

Bad news everyone, people are going to keep trying to kill me unless you build me a ballroom

i’m listening to fugazi and eating a bowl of cereal - i can’t believe i’ve never done this before!

Wiser words have never rang truer...

I don't understand the problem people have with candy cigarettes. They were a great way to practice before I started smoking.

I made this for my friend who is having a routine colonoscopy tomorrow

Standing in the yard with my mouth open and drinking 2L of rainwater right from the sky. Took about 1hr 45min

I'm not sure which planet he's talking about but it's not Earth.

scattered reports say that musician pharrell, remember him folks, is smuggling food to the USS Tripoli, in his big hat. believe it or not!

Welcome to the fuck ass losers club may I hold your balls

I found the transition from Twitter very easy bc i never read anyone’s tweets there and i don’t here either

Always a good day to tell yourself, and believe it, that an American life is no more valuable than a life anywhere else.

The only good parts of being in space are looking for ufos, peeing and eating that special ice cream for astronauts. Everything else is scary

Girl that 40% off Michael’s coupon has me acting reckless

I have the normal amount of politics, and the correct ones. Not sure what your fuckin deal is

You’re asking a lot of questions already being answered by my Disney Vacation Club half-zip pullover

I hate art books with a lot of words THATS NOT WHY I’M HERE

I love doing tweets on this website

I’m one of the astronauts on the way to the moon rn and i’m going to poop and pee on it

your crazy ass stupid post just fucked up the whole world . hope it was worth the likes. hope youre enjoying the clicks

"Police-involved pregnancies."

Buying my overweight son Braxtley a $180 Needoh on eBay so he’ll shut the fuck up

It’s illegal to name your baby Santa Claus, Adolph hitler , Jesus christ or C-3P0 but Malibu Barbie is fine

Imagine thinking your God approves of children being blown away by explosives and actually defending that position rather than questioning what you believe

Me and who

Give me the monkey. i want him

Give me the monkey. i want him

Karl just scared a squirrel outside and caused him to drop an entire biscuit that he prob carried in his tiny hands all the way over here from kfc

I’m not an immigrant but I AM destroying the country 💅🏽

Fucker Bowl

In my day there was only 2 kinds of weed, gasoline lawnmower and carpet fibers from the Playboy mansion, and it all worked on an elaborate lottery system

Rip deedee megadoodoo.

if they did January 6 today, it'd be called "January 6-7." Thank you for reading. RIP Ashley Babbert

I crucified Jesus

I want soup made by a family member

None of my business

(comforting a kid at their dad's funeral) you know, your daddy always told me he wished he was dead (kid starts crying) he's uhh he's not though. he's fine. i saw him at the gas station. mommy told a lie