holding up a crucifix at a gamer

Steal my art. i dont care

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Haveing a normal one !

I'll have a men's hot dog, please

The opposite of cellar door is creamy coleslaw

*takes long drag of cigarette* *slowly exhales* Yeah, things ain't optimal at this juncture.

I will continue canceling Disney+ until my other demands are met

These are high school bully fucking losers who deserve to be proverbially shoved into a locker and put back in their place

🙄

tylenol PM causes autistic vampires

i will never ‘Finish setting up my phone’

"Stop calling us Nazis," said the Nazi nazingly.

They should make an episode of dora the explorer where she smokes a cigarette

Tom Hanks be pissing

The president of america isn’t “dumb” he just doesn’t say words right or understand any of them

This is actually the most normal thing you can say at a funeral

Just loggin in to see what’s going on in the world. Ah tylenol, rapture, autism okay that’s good bye

Your Doordash driver (Tim) is on his way with your pizza and one of those big skeletons from Home Depot

If you’re pure of heart you can put anything in the recycling

Another one you might love

@ggallin.bsky.social made a painting for you

I have no time for nuance. Kill me or get out of my way

i want my donation to go straight to ronald mcdonald no, not the foundation -- the guy

(scrolling through any feed on any website) somebody oughta deal with that guy. somebody oughta deal with those guys. somebody oughta deal with that lady. somebody oughta deal with that guy. somebody oughta deal with that guy. somebody oughta deal with that tiger. somebody oughta deal with that guy

Holy fuck dude. These are the official hamburger buns of Little League

Andre the giant just briefly appeared to me in the sky for some reason.

i’d be so pissed if i was killed by a tornado.

I'm so high I temporarily forgot to feel humiliated to be an American

My neighbor two doors down keeps watching me pee outside and i don’t understand why

it’s legal to say “you’re not the god of my universe” to cops just not when you’re drunk in the lobby of a Westin

ever since i was a little kid i always knew i wanted to pay $20 for eggs and maybe die in a commercial plane crash

Dating bio: my favorite thing is chilling out by myself

Freedom fries. bitch

It’s all pretty much about the he said she said bullcr*p!!

take a right on the road that’s 2 cigarettes long & then a left at the pretty house

The only SAT I care about is the time Mr. Belvedere SAT on his own balls.

Got bored designing a new logo and illustrated myself designing a new logo

why is mr bean like that

(to the beautiful naked woman luring my ship into the rocks) you are one interesting chica! i kinda dig you in a really strange way

i think if we made using fireworks punishable by death it would fix america

Your honor my client is a beautiful Italian man wearing Gucci loafers i literally want him to murder me right now

Guy came up to me today. This guys a real piece of work. Got the roaming countenance of a vanguard. You know the type. Anyways, get this, keep mind i can see right thru this guy. The man's got a nature most disquieted, dude. Plain as day. So he comes up and keep in mind im not buying it but he goes

This muthafukka really doesn't take a bad shot.

I hate every company so much.

Thinking about reposting my viral tweets but making them bad this time

taking out my brain and punting it several hundred yards