Rocket Mortgage is really trying to drive me to violence. I had been on hold waiting to speak to someone re: my PMI for over an hour and then noticed the number listed on the PMI info page was different than the one I called. So I hung up and called that number ONLY TO BE REDIRECT TO THE SAME QUEUE.

Any journalist worth their salt would ask Mitch Albom what the fuck he's hiding under that hair.

Quitting my job today (for another one).

Please, someone help me find my kid. This game of hide-and-seek has gone too far.

Made the completely chill decision to finally watch Weapons alone

Boss makes a million, I make a dime. That's why I read about dinosaurs on company time.

I talk about it all the time but I am consistently baffled how so many people do not understand the ending of #TwinPeaks. David Lynch & Mark Frost have talked about their stories are far more straightforward than they appear and that seems to be forgotten more often than not.

In a meeting with someone saying eggsactly and eggsellent and I want to stab myself with a pen

In the car making my music other people's problem

Oh hell yeah. Just the stinky stuff.

I love eating burritos the size of my fucking head

New words my daughter said during dinner: napkin, coronet, solar system, meatball.

Three nights of using a CPAP machine has me like

Might go hard and stop attending meetings without an agenda

First night with a CPAP last night and I have so much energy today. Is this how normal people feel every day?

My daughter learned my real name is in fact "Mike" and not "Dada." Her world is shook and now she's saying "Hey, Mike!" from the backseat.

The best thing about Steady Diet of Nothing is it's so dry I can crank the volume in my headphones and I don't feel like I'm assaulted.

Me, inviting my coworkers to a meeting

Almost spelled my own name wrong on this Teams interview. 😵‍💫

I am dreaming of a Mighty Ducks v Sabres Stanley Cup matchup.

My daughter loves Diarrhea Planet and if I don't accomplish anything else as a parent, I'll have this.

Scheming ways to vanquish the surge that is the Bradford Pest from modern landscaping.

Oh yeah, baby.

*Kylo Ren voice* MORE!

Thinking about Prince's guitar solo during the live performance of When My Guitar Gently Weeps again.

Watching #Apex on Netflix and here is my review: It's like someone played Red Dead Redemption 2 and asked themselves, "What if we put the whole Murfree Brood into one dude in Australia? The Murfree Dude."

How downtown Franklin doesn't have an independent coffee and/or an ice cream shop is such a bummer. There is literally nothing for families to do other than go to the park.

600% of his brain is worms

Teaching my 18-month old to talk like this guy

The cool thing about brain worms is that this happens

If you are not vaccinating your children, you are part of the problem.

Pickleball has never been popular. Big Pickleball just pushes stories about its popularity to get people to buy more plastic bullshit.

Mike Watt really sings about his penis an awful lot.

I think the idea of a general strike is good but I sometimes wonder if it's not feasible given so many are scrapping by paycheck-to-paycheck. What if instead, everyone decided not to have federal taxes automatically deducted from their paychecks? The fed gov't would go broke nearly immediately.

Here I am looking for a specific GIF only to see Major Garland Briggs worked in the same office as Peter Pan. Considering the inter-dimensional travel required to reach Neverland, this makes perfect sense. Confirmed Hook exists in the Twin Peaks universe.

Man, I love dogs (hot)

Deep River Sweet Maui Onion chips might be the best chips of all time?

You know it's spring in Metro Detroit when you start seeing these cruising around.

Just $15 more and we will wear a subtle button to show our disapproval of Armageddon

My superpower is looking into a bag of chips, reaching in, and then grabbing the exact chip I didn't want.

*checks the Red Wings score*

Coney dogs at home

I have literally talked about this in therapy

Cool thing about strength training is eating donuts

Thinking about one very specific word here

Shellac and Raffi are having a battle in my house. @raffic.bsky.social is winning.

How to I train a siege of great blue herons to take care of our groundhog problem?

I love that every single day Pete Hegseth violates the United States Flag Code with his pocket square and no one in the media calls him out.

The most frustrating thing about being a parent is that I somehow make my 16-month-old daughter 🤌 perfectly al dente 🤌 orzo but overcook the living shit out of the pasta for us adults.