Had the day off from my shit job as an underpaid cook. I made a Tozzi Toy Action Playset as a birthday gift for a friend with a cat named Noodles who occasionally catches lizards. I hope he’ll love it.

Learn from my mistake, never brag to a rival gang that you’re a riverboat tycoon. They’ll be wantin’ to see that riverboat.

When you’re old enough to know you have nothing to look forward to

My favorite night of the year. It’s Christmastime for Tinseltown @oncinema.bsky.social

Just received news that it is in fact once again *Not* My Time To Shine.

Santa called. He said I’m not funny anymore and if I don’t get my shit together he’s gonna kick my ass on Christmas Eve :-(

Good thing they took all our money for food, housing, education, infrastructure, healthcare and basic quality of life and gave it to the military. Thats great. Love that for us.

Cats: Not Understanding How Doors Work Since 1500 B.C.

It’s rare that good people get to make and share good things. #StripLaw is really fucken good [airhorn]

Please keep my imaginary best friend Louis Longebones in your prayers. He’s 12 feet tall and hates spaghetti and just learned he’s got the rickets

It’s been a while #TozziToys

[sound of 1.4 billion people doing an exaggerated shrug]

Turns out zip ties make excellent frames for dollhouse art (3x2 cm)

My vision board is just pictures of clearance sale coffins.

One Word: Kokomo

Catherine O’Hara lived her life right. She was an absolute inspiration and will be missed.

In case you haven’t heard, you’re not protesting the right way/too much/not enough/too quietly/too loudly/not forceful enough/too forcefully/too old/too young/too much/not en…

Happy New Year. Sorry about your dad.

When did they start hiring Bratz dolls to deliver the local news

We have measles in Massachusetts again Merry Christmas everybody

Merry #CharlieBrownJesus to you and yours this Christmastide

Santa called. He saw what you did to that Starbucks bathroom.

Equipment list for when “The Day” comes: 1.) Soup pot and wooden spoon 2.) Air horn 3.) Slide whistle 4.) Cymbals 5.) Champagne

Santa called. He said you’re all getting complicated dildos for Christmas.

Sorry I didn’t reach out — one of my stinkbugs is showing signs of depression

I’ve been waiting years for Charlie Brown to trend #CharlieBrownJesus

My favorite thing to eat while I’m on that ride at an amusement park where they strap you in a little metal chair and then spin you in a circle 50 feet above ground for 2.5-4 minutes is chicken tenders and a coke

Neighborhood watch has me on their list because that one time my therapy raccoon “Wild Larry” took off on my riding lawnmower and ran over some kid’s lemonade stand smdm

Charlie Kirk hasn’t rsvp’d to my New Years Eve party. Hope he’s okay.

In my downtime I make puppets of the young cooks I work with. This is Dan

I asked GROK about his male pattern baldness and he started crying and then went on a tirade about Hitler