🚨BREAKING: Donald Trump ADMITTED to doing 9/11 live on the air, as he calls for war on Israel. 🚨 Hear the stunning confession now!!!

Jesus fucken Christ is he fucken dead yet?

It's the USA's 250th anniversary. Alright everyone, let's pack it in. We had a bad run.

YOU: the 250th anniv— MJM:

Aw nuts! Can’t go back to Walmart just because my helper ape “Touchy Ann” tore a toddler in half in the diaper aisle :-(

Ah yes House of Dragons is back! All my favorite characters: Aegon , Ameon, Aegeyar, Aegalon, Aegeon, Aegistar, Aemritsar and of course The Wolf Snake!

Sad news. I just found out my favorite carpenter ant is a snitch. :-(

Tell your cat I have Churus

In case you missed it, I am running a fundraiser this month for our local animal shelter! Our region has been hit hard by housing insecurity and other socioeconomic issues in the past few years so their services are more needed than ever. Please help if you can! ❤️ givebutter.com/mollys-birth...

Recently, I received a surprise bill for $342 from a billing agency for a routine medical exam I had TWO years ago. I checked my insurance online — it showed it had been fully paid. I called my insurance — they saw that it was fully paid. 🧵

Hognose snakes are the drama queens of the serpent world. Thanatosis is how the small snakes hope to avoid predation, theatrically fakings death. Original post

Me, never mentioning or searching anything related to pants or fashion. Instagram, non stop, for the past few days: "Jeff, have you considered giant pants?"

Many frowned upon this, but I finally taught my cat how to smoke.

I go on long runs on Saturday mornings so I eat a ton of food on Friday nights. Just between us, on the Saturdays I don't plan on running, I still eat a ton of food on Friday nights.

Thanks, but I prefer my enemies diabolical, smart, extremely hot, & often wearing low-cut leather pants.

My Visible Son by The Tozzi Puppet Factory

Important Message from The Tozzi Puppet Factory:

once i achieve my life goal of being murdered by a mysterious drifter i won't have to spend so much time online

Uh-oh, the commenters who cannot identify playful humor have arrived :-(

I hate when I wake up too early in the US and Bluesky is all: Lord Minister Flafferbunt and Glennsders at 12 Pembertwine reject Klorus Singular Berthwaits Pinkerbushwells push for Pobbelwaggins Clip Clopp

What?!

the best thing about living in a bog is the 24hr news channel only talks about cranberries

whenever someone in my village dies we perform a very sacred ritual where we throw the deceased into the creek & they float down to the next village that has a mortuary.

calmly trimming a bonsai tree with my teeth

The hantavirus is what killed Casper

Can’t attend the Met Gala anymore cuz last time I went dressed as “A Living PB&J” and put one of the Kardashians into anaphylactic shock :-(

May all the warmongers die amen

finally found something to make me laugh and it's this I've watched this like 30 times in a row

My best seahorse just died in a terrible auto accident (he drove into a Wendy’s)

On which of the Four Horses does the oil ride in? (Rhetorical)

Absolutely LOVE hearing everybody’s petty grievances. (This is my petty grievance.)

I don’t care for this.

Fun Fact: 2019 was 368 years ago

Suffer no fools nor pieces of shit.

you trip on your infinity scarf & fall into a wormhole that sends you back in time to the set of the tonight show where burt reynolds, charles nelson reilly, shelly winters, dr. joyce brothers & johnny carson are all sitting in silence as you describe 9/11 in stunning detail.

Uh-oh my horse just learned how to online shop

Fell asleep on an IKEA “SLØRP” store display and missed my stepson’s 68th birthday party. He was LIVID!

I’m having a party for my stepson Billy. A clown, one plastic bowl of plain chips, black jellybeans, cash bar. RSVP by 1:04pm EST today

I’m a lot of fun lately.

One of the best ways not to be a racist lil' bitch is to stop being this racist lil' bitch's lil' bitch and whatnot.

Learn from my mistake, never brag to a rival gang that you’re a riverboat tycoon. They’ll be wantin’ to see that riverboat.

My favorite night of the year. It’s Christmastime for Tinseltown @oncinema.bsky.social

Just received news that it is in fact once again *Not* My Time To Shine.