What?!

On our way to start shooting the new episodes of MST3K this morning. Very exciting! (He’s gonna drive)

the best thing about living in a bog is the 24hr news channel only talks about cranberries

Guys. Heads up. Let’s talk about Hantavirus. There have been SEVERAL bad takes and BLATANT misinformation circulating regarding this outbreak so I figured it was a good idea to make a thread about it. Stay calm. Stay vigilant. Know your facts. Here’s ALL you need to know. 🧪🧵⬇️

whenever someone in my village dies we perform a very sacred ritual where we throw the deceased into the creek & they float down to the next village that has a mortuary.

calmly trimming a bonsai tree with my teeth

The hantavirus is what killed Casper

Can’t attend the Met Gala anymore cuz last time I went dressed as “A Living PB&J” and put one of the Kardashians into anaphylactic shock :-(

May all the warmongers die amen

finally found something to make me laugh and it's this I've watched this like 30 times in a row

My best seahorse just died in a terrible auto accident (he drove into a Wendy’s)

On which of the Four Horses does the oil ride in? (Rhetorical)

Absolutely LOVE hearing everybody’s petty grievances. (This is my petty grievance.)

I don’t care for this.

Fun Fact: 2019 was 368 years ago

Suffer no fools nor pieces of shit.

you trip on your infinity scarf & fall into a wormhole that sends you back in time to the set of the tonight show where burt reynolds, charles nelson reilly, shelly winters, dr. joyce brothers & johnny carson are all sitting in silence as you describe 9/11 in stunning detail.

Uh-oh my horse just learned how to online shop

Fell asleep on an IKEA “SLØRP” store display and missed my stepson’s 68th birthday party. He was LIVID!

I’m having a party for my stepson Billy. A clown, one plastic bowl of plain chips, black jellybeans, cash bar. RSVP by 1:04pm EST today

I’m a lot of fun lately.

One of the best ways not to be a racist lil' bitch is to stop being this racist lil' bitch's lil' bitch and whatnot.

Learn from my mistake, never brag to a rival gang that you’re a riverboat tycoon. They’ll be wantin’ to see that riverboat.

My favorite night of the year. It’s Christmastime for Tinseltown @oncinema.bsky.social

Just received news that it is in fact once again *Not* My Time To Shine.

Santa called. He said I’m not funny anymore and if I don’t get my shit together he’s gonna kick my ass on Christmas Eve :-(

Good thing they took all our money for food, housing, education, infrastructure, healthcare and basic quality of life and gave it to the military. Thats great. Love that for us.

It’s rare that good people get to make and share good things. #StripLaw is really fucken good [airhorn]

Please keep my imaginary best friend Louis Longebones in your prayers. He’s 12 feet tall and hates spaghetti and just learned he’s got the rickets

[sound of 1.4 billion people doing an exaggerated shrug]

Turns out zip ties make excellent frames for dollhouse art (3x2 cm)

My vision board is just pictures of clearance sale coffins.

One Word: Kokomo

Catherine O’Hara lived her life right. She was an absolute inspiration and will be missed.

In case you haven’t heard, you’re not protesting the right way/too much/not enough/too quietly/too loudly/not forceful enough/too forcefully/too old/too young/too much/not en…

Happy New Year. Sorry about your dad.

When did they start hiring Bratz dolls to deliver the local news

Merry #CharlieBrownJesus to you and yours this Christmastide

Santa called. He saw what you did to that Starbucks bathroom.

Equipment list for when “The Day” comes: 1.) Soup pot and wooden spoon 2.) Air horn 3.) Slide whistle 4.) Cymbals 5.) Champagne

Santa called. He said you’re all getting complicated dildos for Christmas.