High school MAGA friend posted on Facebook that she thinks we should stop doing Pride in June so we can instead focus entirely on men’s mental health. I don’t think most of us fully grasp how fucking weird the average voter is.

This rocks

Logging on to Submittable every half hour to see if any of the declineds changed their mind

In the country of Iran, where America is in a war fighting evil, we are kicking ass and taking names. We didn’t start this war but we will finish it. United States. These colors don’t run. Woke is over

Thrilled to have a prose poem in the latest issue of @pitheadchapel.bsky.social! pitheadchapel.com/wonton-gone-...

Got so many carrot flowers growing in my garden right now you should call me “the carrot flower king” !

Let’s try to have some fun today

Man everyone has these glasses now

I want to be as physically attractive as possible

I know this will piss some people off, but I just used AI to write a short story for the first time and I gotta say: As someone who hates writing, hates reading, does not like people, doesn't want to do anything ever, and has never felt anything approximating joy... this is a game-changer.

If Kurt Vile was releasing music when I was in college I would've gotten alcohol poisoning every other month

Really loved @joshuatrentbrown.com's fantastic debut novel The Walls Are Closing In On Us. Compelling and consistently moving. Extremely well done. Check it out: bookshop.org/p/books/the-... @malarkeybooks.bsky.social

Ok but wait til you see Susan Collins' sexts

Really glad I don't work in politics and don't have a livelihood that's in any way tied to trying to figure out what voters do and don't care about because that has been a haunted funhouse of nonsense and illogic for about oh ten years now

It’s not currently in the top fifty reasons I dislike AI but “having to read and hear the word ‘slop’ dozens of times a day every day forever” is climbing up there

👍

*watching a genre that is historically defined by nonstop traumatic things happening to people* oh great another horror movie about trauma 🙄

Man this is awful, awful news. I saw him play a mesmerizing set with Deakin at Current Space in Baltimore last year. It was in the courtyard under a canopy and there was this incredible moment where the skies opened up a torrential downpour, complementing his song perfectly. Time stopped.

I’ve lived in DC for 20 years and this is the first time I have EVER seen the Columbus Fountain at Union Station filled with cum. Many presidents have promised to get semen flowing through this fountain again, but Trump was the one who got it done. I’m as far left as they get but credit where due 🇺🇸🇺🇸

Funniest thing about this is they pretty clearly avoided including Kid Rock because they were sensitive to everyone making fun them relying on him for every MAGA thing and they're going to end up having to invite him anyway

Oh my concert lineup is the shittiest thing you’ve ever seen? Well joke’s on you, none of them are even coming anyway

No two ways about it, liminal horror is having a "moment" right now

Sorry I'm late on this, but remember Don't Rank Cuomo!

Fuck this. Fuck everything.

I love watching a horror movie that everyone loves but I personally think is bad and then making that my entire thing for like a year

My short story about friendship, plastic surgery, & the problem of other minds is now available on ergot. ◾◼️⬛◼️◾ www.ergot.press/authors/Chel...

I've spent the entire week thinking about what the vibes in America would be like if a fighter dies in the octagon at the White House UFC thing

I need to go viral

Steven Spielberg: “Aliens are real because I say they are.” Me: “Ok man good enough for me.”

Texas is never going to elect someone who prefers the radio edit of Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed Life" to the full four-and-a-half minute long album version

There are a thousand genders and they all hate me

capping off an unusually busy month with a little tiny micro in scaffold lit! I hope you will take a look. It won’t take long. You should do it www.scaffoldlit.com/microwriting...

*cringiest most repellant loser voice you’ve ever heard in your life* they call my opponent ‘Low T Talarico’

I just applied. Whatever I can do to stop ebola. Just want to be helpful.

Trying to decide which ex I want to invite to see Disclosure Day with me

If I don’t have sex with this guy soon I’m going to explode

President Donald Trump is going to fight in this

We Need To Talk About Grogu

woman on hgtv just said "wow this garage is perfect for cars"

Taking every woman I've ever met to see Ladies First

What a great honor to be included in this year's Best Microfiction. A giant thank you to Cathy Ulrich and Milk Candy Review for originally publishing my piece "Go Bag" and to editors Meg Pokrass, Gary Fincke, and Diane Seuss for selecting it. Full heart <3 @bestmicrofiction.bsky.social

I’d like to see an owl soon

Going to be vulnerable for a minute and share a slogan I came up with and am pretty proud of. Food Lion: Let Your Appetite Roar

Donald Trump is missing his son’s wedding so he can watch the 2000 film Little Nicky, starring Adam Sandler

"They're trying to Ghostbusters Betty Boop" I tell my grandfather, moments before he flatlines

America 250

Just heard a guy tell his date she looks ”like a million bucks.” So that’s back. That’s back now

Eating alone at an Ethiopian restaurant. About to see The New Pornographers at the 9:30 Club. It’s Thursday night in our nation‘s capital.

Orangetheory: Where the only theory is fitness

I'm the guy with the weirdly prominent belly button standing next to Trump in this video