[restaurant] waiter: would you like water? me: yes please waiter: still? me: I literally just said yes

We’re one day closer to Trump leaving office (one way or another).

President-involved plundering

The January 6 compensation committee:

If only there was a backup way to read the student's names.

Damn, how long do wolves live?

"I know very little about and wasn't involved in the whole creation of the fund created to settle my personal $10 billion lawsuit."

He used to say the same thing at Epstein parties.

"Using TrumpRx may lead to side effects such as eye closure. Consult your doctor if you experience face droopiness."

In an unusual flight path, jet flies into World Trade Center.

So I *thought* we were keeping it a secret but this is who I’m in a throuple with

Since President Trump was the biggest insurrectionist does he get the lion's share of the $1.776 billion?

I provide more written instructions to the dog sitter when I leave town.

Disbursing $1.776 billion in taxpayer funds via a one page document half of which is defensive language as to why it's legal and appropriate and no provisions related to oversight.

President Trump asks aides if he can settle with the Department of Justice to open the Strait of Hormuz.

If you see sudden, out of character increased spending by your neighbor, like buying a new boat or going on an expensive vacation, they may have won the lottery or stormed the U.S. Capitol on January 6.

President Trump would set up a weaponization fund to compensate the pedophiles in the Epstein files but none of them has been prosecuted.

"What do you do for a living?" "Insurrectionist. It pays the bills."

The Master's of War

Breaking: President Trump’s White House ballroom to include a “Wall of Honor” listing the names of the “heroes and patriots” who stormed the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021.

The period from sunrise to the President sundowning is getting shorter.

Droughts and prayers.

"We do need a ballroom," says the guy whose whole political brand is refusing to wear anything dressier than a sweatshirt

Breaking: President Trump continues to enjoy 100% approval ratings among those who think ballrooms are really important.

We’re one day closer to Trump leaving office (one way or another).

Wow, it’s just like the miracle of the loaves and fishes.

Got a notification from a medieval copyright lawyer

Kars 4 Kids definitely has misleading advertising. I brought in my kids and they refused to give me any cars.

It's just an honor to be one of the helpers Fred Rogers' mom told him to look for

"YOU'RE the leader? LOL okay, take me to someone else."

Why yes I am outraged when a movie director inaccurately casts the race of a main character as confirmed in the movie’s source material.

When life imitates parody:

President Trump, speaking via video to the Rededicate 250 national prayer festival, notes that what God wants most for America is a ballroom.

I, too, like to hold people in contempt, your honor

Chris Nolan’s Helen of Troy is the face that launched a thousand racist incel posts.

There is no question on this, Todd. It’s not like trying to figure out why the carpet is all wet.

There’s a ton of evidence that the 2020 election was rigged, which is why there were over 60 court cases where judges, including judges appointed by President Trump, looked at that evidence and said there was no widespread fraud.

“We shall never surrender to caring about Americans’ financial situation.”

Not satisfied with mucking up the Strait of Hormuz, President Trump will now proceed to screw up the Taiwan Strait.

When you confuse the app’s group chat feature with its post feature.

As a consolation prize for losing the Republican primary, Louisiana Sen. Bill Cassidy has been awarded the FIFA Prize in Medicine for confirming RFK Jr.

With Senator Bill Cassidy losing his primary election he can return to being a doctor and treat patients who are sick because of the policies of RFK Jr, who he was the deciding vote to confirm.

We’re one day closer to Trump leaving office (one way or another).

Odyssey coming out so Rodgers wants another shot at Achilles.