I’m not perfect but I will be letting St. Peter know that I never used ChatGPT and I never filmed myself while driving.

[after I poll 2% of my friends] The people have spoken!

well well well

After careful consideration, I've decided to win the lottery.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

(taking seven ambient minutes to make my point) (suddenly the drumline kicks in)

[Giuliani's final breath] Tell my family I loved...9/11

What could you possibly want with my amulet bro you wouldn’t even know how to wield it’s power

well well well, looks like my being incredibly annoying and needlessly argumentative struck a nerve

[scrolling the Rolling Stone’s 25 most influential creators list] stranger stranger recognize stranger stranger recognize stranger stranger know their entire life story up to Thursday recognize stranger

just came up with an idea for a reversible jean jacket: one side is a jean jacket and the other side is an affordable three bedroom home

Never let anyone tell you that you're not qualified to operate heavy industrial machinery

I tilted my puppet's head back so it looks like he's laughing at my jokes. My wife and I are separated

For those who don’t know—the name of that theory is “fascism.”

When I flip my dogs ears inside out those are his party hats. He is ready for a party.

finally

republicans always wanted a small federal government it’s just by small they meant totalitarian

looks like sniffing glue’s back on the menu boys

sitting at the end of my driveway during prime neighborhood walking hours, drumming on a Home Depot bucket

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his so he’ll hold it* Grim Reaper: quit it

Being conked on the head by a coconut would fix me

Keep your friends close (locked in your basement) but keep your enemies closer (imprisoned in a cursed amulet)

kinda wishing y2k did jack up all the computers at this point

me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid. friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils

look i’m a normal guy, i like one scoop of vanilla ice cream, i sit in chairs cowgirl style, i’m just like you

I think we as a society should consider discriminating against billionaires more

it’s so cool how almost everything is a scam and is simulatenously killing us

In hindsight, it was a mistake to bring my family to Murder Island

“Leftists are mean” dude, the other side wants us in camps. Sorry we hurt your feelings while fighting for the right to exist

I love having four teenagers in the summer. I get guilt-free one on one time with each of them as they wake up and find me at various times of the day.

governor, surrounded by haunted looking children: i’m so happy to be signing the “Feed Children to the Giant Monster” bill today state officials: (raucous cheering and applauding)

Normal and not at all nefarious that the AI spambot who calls 6 times a day trying to get money from me has developed and incorporated a fake cough/throat-clearing noise to its script.

[worst possible stuff happening everywhere] man why do I feel bad

"Deranged president increasingly threatening American citizens with deportation and denaturalization" sounds like a front page story to me

[face-eating leopard registering for a people with faces web site] looking forward to some good discussions

Google Maps: it will take you an hour to get there Me: Ok but what if I blast along the highway going over the speed limit the whole time. Surely I'll shave off about five to ten minutes Google Maps: bitch I know how you drive. You'll be there in an hour.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch used to be represented by 3 smiling chefs and is now represented by a piece of cereal who is a cannibal

[commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare fuckin hands

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk* my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

tsa agent: sorry, you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less. me: ok, just toss it out then. Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

Anytime I had to meet a buyer from Craigslist, I would call at least 3 family members on the way to let them know how much I hate them, just in case.

[Lull in convo] who else thinks Epstein is still alive?

The worst part of America isn’t just the giddy cruelty of the fascists. It’s the quiet indifference of the apathetic masses.

Happy 4th of July!

I like girls who have a natural look. Sun kissed. Moss in hair. “Face” is eye and mouth slits carved into bark. Bees have taken residence inside her.

I'm bringing back no diggity

All the homies are trying to discover the underlying pattern that gives order to chaos