🎵Ooooohwweeeeeoooohhhh I look just like Adolf Eichmann Oh oh And you’re Leni Riefenstahl🎶

This is kind of like if we collectively paid $1000/day to the group of guys that hang out in front of the neighborhood liquor store.

ICE Agent is a great job for dudes who are extremely hungover during working hours.

I guess Trump is negotiating with Tehran’s chief elevator inspector or some similar top official.

I can tell that AI works really well since this is what happens when I clearly and slowly ask Apple Music to play the Natural Born Killers soundtrack:

This is a Dance off! If you see this, post a dance or you're eliminated!

Thank you, Iran Foreign Ministry, for letting me know what my president is doing.

Need to get the Dow back above the key pedophile immunity threshold of 50k

I suspect no kids are actually asking their parents: “Mom/Dad, what were you like in the 90s?”

Yes because that is what happened. He’s certain to ramp the war up in the very near future, but this morning Trump backed down.

I guess he knows a self-inflicted wound when he sees one

This is why I unapologetically tell the economics students to change their major to something respectable.

I love Raskin but the whole “we’ve referred this to a prosecutor’s office for investigation” bit is such flaccid theater. It always is.

Chicagohenge, where the blue demons dwell Where the trixies live and they do live well Chicagohenge, where a man is a man And the children drink from the lead pipes of Rahm

When the lizards by the jail come out, it’s springtime in NC.

Seen tacked to a community board on my walk

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sure looks like Trump is getting ready to unconditionally surrender. #iran #war

I’ve been saving a lot in DoorDash fees since I realized I can just teleport to Taco Bell.

Even back in the 80s, I thought of Chuck Norris as a holdover from the 70s. He was the most wooden and humorless of the major action movie stars. Then came Walker, Texas Ranger, an infomercial career, and his final act as a decrepit MAGA booster. He leaves a beige mullet of a legacy.

Huh

Yeah it’s probably time for the pentagon to start learning about fighting wars in the Middle East.

"The bottom line is that the world is a dangerous place full of systematic chaos and enemies whose intentions are transparently secret. In such an environment, the only responsible course is calculated recklessness, with a touch of rational insanity. That’s Trump all the way."

Heads' up, Chicago

Whiny loser cops DESTROYED by Afroman

The other day while driving with my elderly aunt, she referred to a speed bump as a “sleeping cop.” Never heard that before, but it’s a funny and brilliant turn of phrase.

Oh god it was a ghost wasn’t it

Your thoughts would be like this too if someone had put your head in a vise and tightened it until you told them where the other gnomes hid the treasure

Trump now demanding help from Jungle Cruise fleet to open the Strait of Hormuz

Fixed this: “Sean Penn wins best supporting actor for his portrayal of Gregory Bovino.”

Back in the old stomping grounds for a few days and managed to sneak in a succulent feast at Pita Inn. This place never fails. Decades of perfection.

search your camera roll for hell

The Strait of Hormuz is open for transit.

Visiting my ancestral home of Chicago and pleased to report that at 8:30am the lining up at bars and street drinking is well underway.

Not many songs by American bands mention the Strait of Hormuz, but this one does: Then another one stopped him there With the tale of two sailors in a smuggler's boat And the sailors were plenty scared They saw a dark shape swimming up the Strait of Hormuz “Violent” - Protomartyr

[solemnly]: Keep Fucking That Chicken

Maybe he’s right, maybe $250/bbl is more likely

Anyone else worried Trump is going to use tactical nukes on Iran?

The obvious response to this from the tanker and oil companies is: okay dude, you first. Sail a few of your heavily armed navy ships through the strait a couple times and then we’ll talk.

Big brained free market guys: Trust the efficiency and competence of the corporate ruling class. Corporations: Looks good, run the ad.

I don’t know man, couldn’t we just pay into a fund to send more people to medical school instead?

"@gork, how to open hormuz straight"

Summing up Iran news today, I think. - US/Israel strikes continue - Iran doesn't want talks, still firing on neighbors - US asked Israel to stop hitting Iranian energy infra - US claimed to be escorting tankers - oops no it isn't - Mines in the water - ~80-90% of Iran mine laying capacity intact

I do not give the IRGC or any entities associated with Iran permission to mine the Strait of Hormuz. With this statement I give notice to the IRGC it is strictly forbidden to mine the Strait. The violation of ukase can be punished by law (UCC 1308 11 308103 and the Rome Statute).

This puts me at 10 people released. I filed my 1st habeas petition 29 days ago. I am an incredibly small-time, nobody lawyer who knew nothing about immigration law the day I submitted that case. I barely know any more today. I had never sued the federal government and now I've beaten them 10 times.

He’s announcing his plan to buy a pair of Florsheim Oxfords for the first 100 patriots who enlist to die in the ground invasion of Iran.