People are getting so good at being mean.

“Omg you’re so genuine” Yeah, that’s because I suck at acting.

We can only be friends if you always follow your heart and it mostly leads you to trouble

“You’re weird” is a compliment.

I miss not having to wonder if any picture is AI generated or not.

Sorry your soulmate reposted me

crying is like flushing your toilet of feelings

jump around is my favorite song about jumping around

If at first you succeed, don't panic. Try try harder to ruin it.

Women should brag about the size of their vaginas

Have you tried putting fresh pillowcases and fresh sheets on your bed about it?

No one hugs you like gravity.

A great gift for anyone in a fracture cast is to get something that can slip through the cast to scratch the skin.

Q: why do people recovering from a fracture don’t like movie production? A: cause they involve casting

My neighbour's kid is sad because the dog won't eat his online homework.

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

People say I’m angry. No, I’m just awake

Q: what is a wandering psycho called? A: psychopathless

Hey! you. Pay attention to me.

I'm just a random word generator.

Women be like, “I don’t want to talk to you”, and then be staring at phone hoping for you to connect with them.

Everyone is moving so fast that people keep missing each other.

Why is it so difficult to be true to yourself?

will an animal attack another animal while they’re going to the bathroom or will they respect that boundary? ChatGPT:

Why eat donuts when you can eat cake.

That time someone said, "Oh you're one of those science is right idiots" to me and I just knew in their head they were actually using "your" and not "you're".

Due to some kind of miscommunication, a friend brought us a six pack of bears.

Seductively bookmarks your skeet.

No one: Kids: “Wash your hands” and “wash your hands with soap” are two different instructions.

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?

Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?

Make someone immediately feel better about themselves by telling them your problems.

Nothing is more disappointing than when I think, "I'm getting hungry" in the evening, and the realization hits that I'm the one making dinner.

if you cut up corn dogs to serve as hors d’oeuvres we can’t be friends

I just won $0 on the Powerball!!! (I did not play the Powerball)

(adjusting strap on keytar) If it please the court I'll be giving my testimony in synthpop your honour

today I learned the difference between a monarch butterfly and a viceroy butterfly. thank you, Garden Joy

do I remember the 21st night of September? I can’t remember if I took my meds this morning

His Internet went out so he's shitposting in the streets.

It fills my heart with joy when my grown kids come home to visit, especially when the first thing they do is rush past me and my wife too greet our dog

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

the most sexy thing a wife can do is tell her husband where something is for the hundredth time without sighing and rolling her eyes

once in a while my wife does this super annoying thing where she agrees with what I say and gives me unconditional love and support

I sometimes mix up butterscotch and caramel so what fight me

One of the beautiful things about social media is that sometimes when you scream into the void, after a pause, a voice or two may answer back “fuck, me too” and you feel a little less alone in the world

It’s already Tuesday here. Nothing happened. You may carry on with your regularly scheduled nonsense.

He’s a ten but his meme game is a 3

Dear men: if you find something I’ve posted upsetting please calm down and try smiling. You’re so pretty when you smile