if you're thirsty, they're thirsty. water your electronics

Am I the only person who has not downloaded chat GPT yet?

I'm sorry, I can't, there's this book that I have to get to that I will never read.

Me: I don’t want to attract any guy, please leave me alone!!!! My fitness trainer:

Me: Siri, please tell this website that I am human

Rose and Jack couldn’t even be on the same plank, how do you expect me to be on the same page?

I guess not being liked really sets you free too.

I always shave my legs on NYE to make sure I start the new year with a clean slate.

I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation

Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.

Spending the next year commenting, "who's watching this in 2026" on every YouTube video.

One day you're young and carefree, the next you have both daytime and nighttime socks

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

Sir Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." Me: (can't see at all because the cat knocked my glasses behind the toilet)

Maybe some UB40 will save me.

Venezuela: these are certainly unpresidented times

Over use of the word vibe might have destroyed its vibe.

I'd love to see the unfit ice gestapo try to pull my almost six foot brick shithouse frame through a car window.

How can I concentrate when you smell like vanilla and chocolate?

Her: Let's go for a walk Him: Can't, uh, baseball's on Her: Baseball in January? Him: Winter baseball. They use a snowball Her: You could've just said no Him: When they slide into home they use a sled Her: *leaves* Him: *yelling* The dugout literally needs to be dug out!

Wanna come over and eat? We’ve too many leftovers and out of garbage bags.

People be like, “people should be able to say and do whatever they want” and also like, “why are people so stupid?”.

"You have to pay for 100% of the shots you do take", me, as a bartender.

Every person you meet is is pressured with thoughts you don’t know. Make it worse by asking them how they are.

You want one coffee I want two, let’s round it up to five.

On first date Me: so, what’s your ketchup - spill to use ratio?

I’m sorry, I can’t believe that you’re a doctor if you aren’t wearing your stethoscope.

I’m sorry, I can’t believe that you’re a doctor if you aren’t wearing your stethoscope.

As a kid I thought I would have read many more books by now.

I did the math: 2 cups of coffee is better than 1.

The first thing I wrote on my to do list after getting a new pen was “to find my old pen”.

Sorry I told you a million things about myself 5 minutes after meeting. Coffee?

Every person you meet is is pressured with thoughts you don’t know. Make it worse by asking them how they are.

Not only is the pun intended, but it is also carefully crafted.

Strangely, even though giving love is free, it isn’t given freely.

Is cheese crust pizza worth the weight?

*sees a vibrator* i bet i could circuit bend that badboy

Don't be alarmed by my obsessive use of the hot dog emoji.

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

I thought I lost my mind, but turns out it was just in my pocket. Wait… nope. That was my keys. Carry on.

I’ve forgiven way worse idiots.

Can we just... not... with Greenland? We don't need Greenland, and it's rude to take countries.

Did you know you don’t actually have to fold your laundry? You can just throw it in a drawer and go about your life! Follow me for more time saving tips.

If my employees think that I am a good boss, am I really a good boss?

You can be as useless as you want, really, you are only limited by your imagination.

Maybe their saying that you can’t do it is how you should know that you can.

i'm sorry ma'am, but deodorant is expensive. i save it for the people who really deserve it.