My friends order so slow that the waiter brings in the lunch menu when we enter for breakfast.

The only place where XL is less than L is in Roman numerals.

don’t ask if my computer is backed up it’s none of your bitness

Them: I hope this email finds you in the best of spirits Me: (glancing at the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc near me) yep!

If we are fools we should at least be aware of it.

The urge to confide in anyone that shows an ounce of kindness....

Choose a word. Think of it. Keep it to yourself, noone cares.

All I know about parenting is that no one knows anything about it.

My kid: see mom I made an awesome paper rocket Me: yeah? wait, is that paper YOUR HOMEWORK???? My kid: you never focus on the positive

Who called it swearing and not cursive talking?

*takes off reading glasses to read*

Can't, thinking outside the box

The biggest lesson I've learned from trying winter sports is that I am incredibly out of shape.

Watching videos of dryer vents being cleaned out is my therapy

Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents! You don't even need to know what the secret is!

Unkindness is a major turn off.

Your real smile is more fake than AI.

I can only be as interesting as you are interested.

Pre-lunch and post-lunch versions of a person are two different people.

When in doubt, wear a perfume.

“I’m not going to get in your way!”, said she like a threat.

“Let’s both of us compromise and do as I said.”

There’s people at party and… then there’s me: oh look snacks!!!!

People who don’t like my jokes, who hurt you?

Is it even a mould if everyone can fit in?

Social skills sounds like a lot of work.

*Wears glasses to hear*

How did we end up here?

I will never use AI to produce images. I get my art the old fashioned way, by describing my "assailant" to a police sketch artist until they draw me a picture of busty John Slattery.

Half the problems would be solved if we knew who to ignore and who to not ignore.

Not to brag but I was introverted long before it was fashionable

Normalise asking people on the street why are they wearing the same colour clothes as you.

yeah, i think there’s like a bias that shit that sucks is better for you but sometimes shit just sucks for no reason

Life hack: if you don’t have a phone number, you don’t have to give it out.

I yawned and sneezed at the same time, and I’m pretty sure I saw a portal to another dimension.

Them: you seem normal Me: you take that back!

Curly haired girls should get a weekly holiday just to get their hair brushed

Thank goodness, we grew up before there was concept of summer school in my hometown.

"At least you are getting better at getting worse.", me putting a positive spin on things.

“It’s not a crime to look pretty”, me, adding some glitter on my bandaid.

Apparently “Dictator”, isn’t a movie about a tator tot that is a jerk.

The urge to crush every unread notification.

Things can either be glamorous or useful.

Schrödinger’s glass is both half full and half empty until he tilts it.

What is surprising is that how so many of these adult movies never show any adults enjoying a nap for as long as they like. That’s like the most adult part of adult life that is fun.

Forgot why I came here, again.

"per my last email..." the best way to start a passive aggressive reply.

I love saying "sounds good" at work, but that shit never sounds good.

Told my daughter I have tickets to see Wuthering Heights tomorrow. Her: They say you shouldn't watch it if you're emotionally unstable

“Me clipping my own toe nails”, where the heck is AI?