That’s a beautiful shade of tired you’ve got there.

So, I did the healthy thing and finished a bag of chips.

So, I did the healthy thing and finished a bag of chips.

Maybe you would feel better if you fucked off.

There's no crying in baseball...that's why I don't play.

you have to be a pretty terrible fruit not to have a song named after you at this point

ME: Whoa unique horn HORSE WITH A HORN: Thanks- wait say that again

INTERVIEWER: We have no other candidates…so the bar is pretty low ME [knows limbo]: *starts nervously stretching*

I swing both ways. - me, on a swing.

That’s a beautiful shade of tired you’ve got there.

Coffee, chicken tikka masala, lemon rice, ice cream. This wasn't my Sunday menu, it's all the things I've spilled on the floor last week.

If the thing that makes you feel thrilled doesn’t also make you feel guilty, are you even thrilled?

I’m pretty sure my Christmas lights have been coitussing inside the bag.

I have never seen a dog who seems meaner than a human being.

Is it even a dream if you’re not naked?

You can’t say anything anymore without offending someone.

She was as rare as the people satisfied with their contractors.

Me: it’s finally winter in Mumbai Delhi folks: this is what my bathroom feels like when I turn off the geyser.

Please let me be cute when I am needy.

I would, but why? To what end?

Started drinking water out of a wine glass and now I smash my daily goal like some sort of reverse Jesus effect.

“you’re telling me a pot gave birth to this pot?” - me visiting a Pottery Barn

im sorry you had to see me kung fu fighting

He sent me a dry text message after my long lovely message; but then added a semi colon

Waiter, I’ll have one lobster, and just tea for that loser.

one day I will make Kramer’s coffee table idea see the light

Wait, don't go. I can fuck it up more

I’m no therapist, but maybe you should stop gauging how much you love someone by how many mental breakdowns they make you have.

only thing facebook is good for is the memories, rose from the first snow in '22

I bring confusion to the table.

Her: I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. Me: You mean you really want me to…? Her: Yes Me: *bakes Grandma’s home made chocolate chip cookies that has just a hint of peppermint *

If only the effort I put into not going for a workout would count as a workout.

If you aren’t counting the steps while going to the bathroom then what good is it going there so many times?

I can’t believe that people like how beer tastes.

There should be a column which tells us why we decided to follow someone.

If the word “fuck” disappeared suddenly from vocabulary more than half of you wouldn’t know what to say more than half the time.

Selection by elimination is not really selection.

the horrible truth is that no one will ever love you the way that I love popping bubble wrap

Compete? For what exactly? If you’re competing you’ve already lost.

Let’s play a game called go fuck yourself.

*brings ibuprofen to a knife fight*

Have you tried wearing comfortable clothes about it?

If the word “fuck” disappeared suddenly from vocabulary more than half of you wouldn’t know what to say more than half the time.

From every “you ok?” to your goodnight text, You make my Wi-Fi feel like it’s blessed, It’s more than just pixels, it’s something divine, There’s magic in the way you look online.

You send a meme when my day goes wrong, Turn it around with a dumb little song, Even your typos read like you’re trying to shine, I’m laughing at the screen, you’re my favourite sign.

Your coffee pics and your messy hair, The way you dance like nobody’s there, Every little story feels perfectly timed, I’m falling for the way you look online.

To be sung to Teddy's swims the door I saw your smile in a midnight post, Lit up my feed like a lighthouse ghost, You’re in my likes and my heart’s headline, I can’t get over the way you look online.

It's that time of the year again

"I'll always make time for you, girl." - Me to you but also to a plate of nachos