A guy who sells essential oils out of his van.

I'm making modern-day Smurfs. First up is Sarcastic Smurf: "Nice dress Smurfette, you don't look like a whore *at all.*"

i know a thing or two. but that's about it.

If you're a restaurant and serve Pepsi, it should be everywhere. The door outside. The website. There should be signage. People have a right to know ahead of time what they're getting into.

The E. in Chuck E. Cheese stands for “ejaculate.”

Facilitating a support group tonight and my hair is fuckin wild as fuck today so I had to pull it back. These curls don’t play.

Nice life you got there. Be a shame if somebody (me) ruined it.

Anyone: “I’m not going to ask you again!” Me: “thank goodness. I thought you would never stfu”

Gym employee: Sorry ma'am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork. Me: *sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Him: you won’t ever send nudes, I feel like there’s something you’re trying to hide from me Me: yes, it’s my naked body I’m trying to hide from you

Stop treating your body like you've got a spare one in the closet

One thing about me is I persevere. I guess one could even say I always finish on top. 💦

first day as a landlord and the fact that i gotta find ten ants each to live in these units is crazy

A bidet, but for my brain

Your mom is rooting…around in some guy’s underwear.

Scorpio: Your charitable endeavors this week will make you feel better about yourself. But make no mistake, you're still garbage.

Sunday night selfie

Finger lickin good!

Gas prices in the 2000s were like:

Post a Gif that sums up your life:

Okay I’ve burned 2 calories, can I get off now? Also, can I be done with the treadmill now?

Too bad your dad’s stuck in that closet too 🌈

@emceekayvee.bsky.social found your mom's closet

Gym selfie please don't block me @bbkittyfck.bsky.social

Pick a selfie from your gallery and turn it black and white 🤍🩶

Me: what’s that? Paleontologist: trilobite Me: no thanks, I’m not hungry

when you abandon your friend in the Sahara with no treats you desert your friend in the desert with no dessert

Without adderall I am a man standing in a room unsure of why I'm there.

Geez you get drunk once in college and fuck Patrick Swayze and Spotify won’t stop reminding you.

Bring on the Catholic blocks!

Itsa me, itsa Maury-o

I'm a pissimist. The glass is half piss.

Some man came up to me at the casino (venue for after party of wedding and hotel for wedding attendees) as I was throwing away my gum and said, “oh man, I wanted that!” I was like wtf and he said, “I just want anything that’s been in your mouth.” 😳🤮

Me, climbing into bed: this day has been a living hell Him: well, do you want 2 minutes of heaven? Me: why, are you gonna shut the fuck up for two minutes?

someone who loves all types of shellfish is polyclamourus

Hipster mice hang out at a squeakeasy.

I can't eat fig gnutons b/c I have silly yak disease

Make a movie into a porn: TerminateINher

Make a movie into a porn: Gang bangs of New York

I, too, keep it a mini bush all summer.

Found your moms lube

An AI took my job as a Bluesky shitposter.

a hung jury sounds super hot

Your Mom’s Always Be Fucking truck is in my neighbor’s driveway.

Rekeet with a favorite picture of yourself