Post dinner roleplay: I'll be a cute dog and you can rub my belly.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle rehabilitated No Shit Sherlock into the beloved character we know today

I'll be the first reporter who gets Trump to say "What?" when I say, "A sphincter says what?"

BRB changing careers real quick

texting past me the chocolate chip cookie pecan pie i just perfected. p.s. put down the forking fork

got a feeling that today's the day I get answers

caring about fellow humans should be default but what do i know

draw me like one of your night ghouls

You must have come over on the baeflower

going for a traditional cousin walk but without any cousins (getting stoned at the playground alone)

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

i take my time so i can have at least a couple of meltdowns in the process

I feel a fake migraine coming on

Today I learned that the gizzard is not the turkey's penis

thankful for all the people I’ve met on social media that make life a little less horrific

that girthy cranberry sauce

gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended

just got a text from future me telling me to put the forking fork down

You matter and I am thankful for you.

pie

gobble gobble mfers

the grinch in the genre of romance: thread

there comes a moment about five minutes after encountering a lost dog when you stop actively looking for a panicked owner and start to imagine a life with the dog. which makes the owner’s eventual appearance pretty bittersweet

it's thanksgiving eve, so be sure to leave out ivermectin and coors light for the racist uncle who comes down your chimney

i almost never understand what any of you are saying

it's thanksgiving eve so don't forget to put out a glass of gravy and some stuffing for ol' farmer greg

I miss the pretty bad times before things got a great deal worse

you only hear about the cops who plant evidence never about the ones who nurture and water it everyday until it grows into an evidence tree

We've invented "Wife 2.0" and we can't wait to share it with you

When you slick your hair back at night to be dark and late nitey but your cowlick is naturally against casual lite spelling

Damn you green bean casserole, damn you to hell.

not so fast

i forget how far from decent we have actually fallen

Don't wait until New Years. You can fail to make major changes in your life any time.

the plan: to post so many annoying memes about not being verified that the mods have to verify me

Without trying to sound too sappy, I want to say that I am very thankful for everyone here. Thanks for making me laugh, for teaching me and others, for posting cute pet photos, for helping people online when they're in need, and for being kind. I hope everyone has a happy, healthy Thanksgiving 🖤

i secretly want someone who is six years older than me

i set you up to set me up, kudos my friend

The Japanese Alyssa clone

sad to report that i am coming down with something just in time to get me out of joining in any reindeer games

y'all ever order your burritos "extra tight"

Chernobyl would be a beautiful name for a baby boy conjoined to another baby boy

The CIA made me memorize the alphabet with my mind. MKLmnop. But seriously why is there a literal street of sesame on the 1 2 3 dollar bill

tell your mom i said what’s up

Re: Pluribus whoever decided to bill Carol as the "most miserable woman on Earth" was wrong. She is a delight and a treasure

nissan milano

is it too early to start drinking for Thanksgiving?

What do you get when you combine a few remaining members of Deep Purple, Foghat, and Captain Beefheart? Come see Deep FogBeef this weekend in the lounge and find out yourself!

In lieu of thanksgiving I suggest holding a sort of family court convicting your most annoying relatives of various offenses

folks, I just got a cease and desist from the verification factory, all verifications are on hold until I speak to my lawyer. thanks, Obama.