you're going to have to unlearn some things to understand me

i have posters elbow

i have yet to mess up writing the date this year (i have yet to write the date this year)

pardon me, do you have any seething rage

part of my treatment plan is including you in it

assurance skeet, not because you need it, but because i know how good it feels to have it

i'll have what she's having

presented without context

really sorry, i don't know why i'm like this

He's a ten but these go up to eleven

Abolish ICE and use their budget to feed kids and fund healthcare. It's what Jesus would have done.

you're in her DMs i'm allllllll over her manifesto

There will be snacks

sometimes i give myself the feels

Catterpiglar would be a cute name for a baby cat

I’m not the shit poster you want but I’m the shit poster you deserve.

Twighlight Zone is something I own on media but still click on when I see it surfing channels, even though I already have full access. What an incredible series.

Golly gee drats, motherfucker

Ian's Bluesky became obscene so surreptitiously I almost didn't notice it!

Imagine after you pass away and somebody has to clean up your shit and they're going through your possessions and they find an 83.77 lb ass sitting in the bottom of your closet.

they should invent a day of the week where you get to do things you do want to be doing

We have the heart. We have the numbers. We have the humanity. The people always prevail

Well at least I'm not a man who does backflips in public

Follow up that tough conversation about wishes coming true in unexpected ways by converting to genie orthodox, getting ice cream

desperately need to pet a dog. maybe even two.

I have 86 billion neurons so I guess you could call me a billionaire

does anyone know that guy from that thing I saw once 20 years ago when I was really high because I don't

Sometimes a quirked up white boy wants nothing more than to lie down beside still waters

I told my therapist about the guy I fell for and she told me to check my bank accounts.

chances of turning into a crab after ingesting imitation crab are low but not impossible

talking to the stars bc they’re the only ones that listen

Like the Mandela Effect, but for every time someone jizzes on my face at the bath house.

Pretty crazy that someone could make a 250 year old country unrecognizable in less than 12 months.

The secret to surviving 2026? Ketamine. Lots and lots of ketamine.

are there any goody one shoes

Love is a double-edged sword that will absolutely take your dick clean off if you get careless.

To be clear, the twix bar is critical. None of this works without the twix bar.

I just typed some offensive words into my computer and it showed them right on the screen. this should not be allowed

Your saved skeets are stored in the balls.

you can pat me on the head if you want to, regardless of my good boy status

show up as well as show out

When trains started cracking down on stowaways it led to a sharp rise in hobophobia

We’re currently in that section of the history book with a map and bunch of arrows all over it

It’s an hour past my bedtime. Please note I will be unavailable tomorrow due to insufficient beauty rest.

I love men almost as much as I love making fun of them.

You need at least two information to unlock the piecing together ability

You're always dumber than you think.

im not sure how i feel about all the uncertainty

don't love calling someone a "pussy" when they display cowardice, fear, and weakness, but got damn if ICE isn't made up of 100% pure, grass-fed pussies riot gear, pepper spray, and guns and y'all STILL afraid of us? what???