Sending a work text on my phone and my autocorrect fixed shot to shit. Google finally gets me.

i need a forehead kiss and a toaster bath

Nobody: Me: *lying down for a nap* Alright, let's fucking party

Being funny requires a certain threshold of trauma and eating way more than the recommend daily amount of Flintstones vitamins as a kid.

sunshine on my butthole makes me happy

what makes you assume I'm not already dead?

When my values (want some) and mission (get some) are completely aligned (donuts)

i want the record to state that i never once made a fake antifa warning on this page

*me watching you while you sleep* “You’re doing it wrong”

aloofness logging in, or not, who can say

do you ever get the suspicion that if you actually kissed them one of you would consume the other

horny for true love

raise your hand if you are happy and doing well so we can excommunicate you

why’d they put this label on me? fake news! ⓘ 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘴. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳.

in the interim, what shall we do about this feeling

fall in love with me tomorrow (again)

i just think good ideas are worth rewarding not rewording

There's no high like a falutin high.

brains shouldn't be held to such high standards

[rereading my posts] i am healthy, i swear

Sorry your soulmate reposted me

them: lol, you funny me: hehe you redundant

at your own risk

whole universe inside these headphones

actually, "beta" implies a man who watches his media on betamax instead of vhs and is therefore superior

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

My mom would only take one Tylenol at a time, which explains why I’m not good at anything but have a slight fear of polyester

please do not eat me (unless i die of natural causes then have at it) this one is not about sex

I suspect the essential is in all this irrelevant somewhere.

it's just a spreadsheet of stuff i wish u could just know without me ruining it by telling it to u

shades on

apple's autocorrect constantly messing up my posting aesthetic

ode on an english muffin

admiration from behind saturday

are you snuffledownagus with snuffleupagus?

A California yoga retreat accidentally summoned a demon during goat yoga. The demon now teaches Tuesdays at 6pm.

it seems like a good day to go to the bookstore and then go home and get cozy and make soup

exploring the depths of your thoughts one sweet and salty at a time

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

my friend, Sue Nami, was locked up cuz she was a danger to her shelf . folks,,

sorry i'm late (early)

good morning but at what cost

hey no more ruining it no more self sabotage -me pointing at the mirror

gloryhole where a soft voice just whispers in your ear that everything is going to be okay

what else would we have got up to i marvel

*pours a drink* Thank fuck this week is over.

*choosing flavors of popcorn ceiling*

Remember when you had to poison dinner to get a "divorce"? Pepperidge farm remembers. And so does my family tree.

there are too many steps between the feelings and the words

i plan for now in case forever takes too long i plan for forever because now i hope