It took me way too long, but I finally canceled Spotify. They asked why I wanted to cancel, and I just wrote,"You are shitty people."

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

My mother said I didn’t live up to my potential but I got 6 likes on my last post so WHO’S LAUGHING NOW MOM

Let's put the "geez" back into Jesus.

Pete Hegseth called all the military commanders to an important meeting so they could all draw hand turkeys together. The holidays are almost here.

I can pinpoint the exact moment a social gathering becomes my personal waiting room to go home.

Have you tried wearing a flower crown about it?

It’s a rough world out there. Here’s a tiny little thing I do.. say something nice to someone. Leave a friendly comment on a post, or maybe buy someone a coffee? It’s nothing, but it’s something. Try to interact. X

let the talk to text typos be just leaf them alone ok

Holy crap, PBR has Godzilla cans.

I thought Hamilton was a musical about Brad and Stacy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It's not. Learn from my mistakes.

As someone who suffers from a clinical fear of goblins, I guess I'll just shut myself down for the next two months so you can all have your little fun.

Today's vibe is piñata without a party.

I miss the days when a cop would ask you what was in your bag, and you could answer, "I don't know, but I didn't steal it" for fun.

Guys I’m starting to freak out because I can’t think of good Halloween name and October starts next week this is starting to feel like school

these dudes are complaining about every kid getting a participation medal while they sip coffee from their "world's best dad" mugs

It seemed like the dumbest joke ever so I posted it - a memoir

I found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom! I can't believe she's a superhero!

taking tylenol PM so i am only autistic at night

I took Tylenol one time and woke up with a vasectomy.

Well, I guess there's no Rapture. It's time to put on Sesame Street Fever and clean the house.

Thank god my mom just did Valium and Virginia Slims when she was pregnant with me

Whatever you think this skeet is about, you’re wrong. Yes, even you. You’re not always right you know

Someone called me a dumbass and honestly I’ve never felt so understood

pumpkin spiced Rapture

Do we need special glasses for the Rapture, like we do for an eclipse?

you only gotta worry about the rapture if you never bought all your agreed upon music purchases from Columbia House

Today I will be releasing my own scientific study linking Flintstone Vitamins to kidney stones.

I woke this morning and it was so quiet and still that I could hear Mariah Carey starting her engines in the north pole

Does anyone know what time the Rapture is happening? I'm trying to plan it so my pizza gets here about 15 minutes before it starts.

Quote post with something funny about you : When I was 14, my best friend and I started a rap duo called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers. Our first song was called 12 a.m. o'clock, and everything rhymed with o'clock. Like: I got a brand new car I did not lock, all my shit is gone, 12a.m. o'clock.

Good Morning #Jokesters - I've got a low key one for you all on this Sunday. Here goes: A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

man sometimes you just gotta consider the source and not sweat it

Caturday pic. Put your thumb over the ugly human.

In my opinion, this song still rocks harder than anything ever. youtu.be/l_Jeyif7bB4?...

If you're in a retirement home, is today Catheterday pics?

If someone is going to kill you by giving you cement shoes, do they take off your regular shoes first, or doesn't it really matter?

I feel like i must have been bitten by a radioactive old man

Canceled Hulu/Disney +, but you know I'm just going to use the money for booze.

I'm just making sure I got rid of the Doritos dust on my face and hands before I head back to work.

A shopping montage would fix me.

Since it seems like everything is a scam these days, let's discuss things that are not: Public Libraries. Nothing but service for the public by an often very unthankful public.

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to Bluesky

My neighbors bought me a Bidet. They felt sorry for me for using hose in the front yard.

Carpenter ants are just like regular ants, except rainy days and Mondays always get them down.

Today is a good day to look in the mirror and say,"I don't care."

Vampires are making candy out of blood sugar for Halloween.

I'm going to look into the void and belch the alphabet like I did in grade school.

My brain is just an app that's running in the background.