Lol and behold

I used my only phone call on the library storyline

Trail mix puns? Absolutely nut.

Oh sure they can require teaching Bible passages in school but they can’t stop teachers from introducing each one by saying OK here’s another knee slapper get a loada this

Baby, are you an obtuse triangle? Because you ain’t right.

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to my other personalities.

I like how in every video of something outrageous happening, there’s always some person still eating their sandwich.

when I’m on my deathbed I hope all the cats of my life come visit me like angels

Standing on Shitpost Avenue panhandling for loose chuckles

Questions that keep me up at night #143: Does Lightening McQueen have life insurance or car insurance

It was funny, but in a public television kind of way

[giraffe escapes enclosure in Texas] 911: Ma’am, we’re gonna need a description. Keeper: It’s a fuckin’ giraffe.

so what’s the endgame here? do we just keep writing these things until someone forcibly institutionalizes us?

mom used to put notes in my lunchbox when I was a kid which was really nice, food would've been nicer

On the one hand, there's a ton of things I need to get done. On the other hand, I'm not going to do any of them.

gah I just wish I could find a website full of likeminded individuals who are underemployed, hate AI and mask their problems with endless jokes

Welcome to Doomsday Club. This will be our last meeting.

if you’re reading this, I’m so glad you survived the horrors another day. keep on truckin. love each other because we are all we have.

tbh if a creature was like "hey come with me thru this portal on an adventure" I'd be like yeah let's go

Disappearing into the ocean for a few days to attend to some important fish business

[SUDDEN DEPRESSUREIZATION] Astronaut: oh no my chips

Please, sir, the takes. They are heinous.

Not to brag or anything, but I don't need to drink alcohol to make bad decisions.

can’t believe a narcissist is being so publicly humiliated by a reflecting pool

#TwoToneTuesday youtu.be/WwJ3XE_2INM?...

Him: Face it. You need to stop hiding your head in the sand. Me: Look, I tripped and landed this way. Little help?

... Or, as I like to call it, the guacamole pool

the little engine who couldn’t give a shit

hot potatoes: we’re sexy red potatoes: we’re commies idaho potatoes: we’re republicans baked potatoes: we’re high irish potatoes: we’re famished sweet potatoes: we’re kind small potatoes: oh goddammit god fucking dammit 😫

yes, i know iPhones are expensive & that’s a hard pill to swallow. but a tablet would be harder. to swallow. folks,,

Jesus took the wheel and now I can't make my pottery

not to brag but I also struggle with flat sheets

OH NO, I THINK THEY CAN SEE MY POSTS, MOM.

I just watched The English Patient and I'm so disappointed. There's not a single dinosaur in that movie.

I trusted science before it was cool

Going to ask "is this Ai?" whenever someone shows me a pic of their kids

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

Owww, my old is hurting now.

Campbell’s®️ Primordial Soup From the reflecting pond to your table!

making coffee with pasta water

I had one of those naked in public dreams only this one was different. I was in a Red Lobster but I was like "Parkour!"

An icecream truck that plays a funeral dirge as it haunts the streets at 2 a.m.

teslas are pretty safe vehicles so long as you are not inside of them or outside of them at any time

why have a panic room when you could have a whole-ass panic country

Kars 4 Kids jingle writer.

Check out this sword stuck in a stone!!

Your honor, the prosecution is just repeating format jokes.

10:22 a.m. Technically I’m awake but still have not committed to doing a GD thing

My top 5 for time travel crib killing: 1. You know who 2. You know who else 3. Composer of the Pepto Bismal song 4. The toilet paper bears 5. Kyle from the fifth grade.