sorry if i seem kinda dumb today, it’s just that i’m dumb

i grew my account the old fashioned way: by being an idiot online

toads: please go away, I’m trying to chill frogs: check it out I’m a fuckin FROOGG, I’ll jump on your neck idgaf, feel the slime

They told the Pope he doesn’t understand the Bible and then they quoted Pulp Fiction.

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

The cereal box said Family Size. Yeah right. Maybe a family of one after the divorce when you're living in the room above the garage.

Babies aren't even allowed to chew tobacco today. We've really gone too far with all the regulations and government oversight.

And now, the week in Deep Shitsville. What have you got for us today, Jim

In space, no one can hear your stomach growl.

#Caturday, in the park 🎶

Why is it you never have antacids when you really need them. You know, like dinner time on the Nostromo.

What exactly is a smithereen?

Thinking I may take up ironing...you know, as a hobby.

Obs

Game over, man -The Book of Revelation What’s your favorite Bible verse? (Wrong answers only)

Travel is a good way to expand your mind. It's also a good way to find weird bones in the forest and hidden portals to the faerie realm, where weird forest bones are the main currency.

They call it “oughtism” because everyone tells you what you should have done instead

At least while the world ends we get to watch baseball. 😬

This day in history. 1966. Monty Python's Michael Palin married Helen Gibbins. The maid of honour maintained her poise when rather than catching a bouquet of flowers she was slapped in the face with a rather ripe halibut.

𝚈𝚎𝚊𝚑. 𝙸’𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚖 𝚆𝚊𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. #TomWaits #BootsOnTheGround

If you reply "can I bring my cat?" you'll be invited to way less stuff.

Sorry I didn't hear you the dog and I were talking

👏 Congratulations to Sade Adu, the first British black woman to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. #MusicSky #Sade rockhall.com/sade/

I'm gonna have to vote for corned beef. But olive loaf is right up there. I mean, is that even meat?

making ornithology puns is a birdin' i have to bear

"I out pizza'd the Hut," I scream as federal agents push me into a black SUV

Law and Order: SVU (Special Vatican Unit)

Live, Laugh, Toaster Bath

He was also weak on crime and terrible for foreign policy

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, Charlie Brown

can’t stop won’t stop* *having anxiety

that’s fine. you can talk to me but I have a long list of things I need to eat rn.

Can't make it out tonight. Grandpa has the zoomies again.

It's time to hit the bricks - crash test dummy

It's time to hit the bricks - crash test dummy

US negotiation team before heading home....

did we ever find out who was in the kitchen with Dinah

My cat has a British accent and that’s crazy cause he doesn’t even have a passport.

was once New Amsterdam.

i love how whenever i mention bsky my kids say stop talking about that place as if it’s real

You're allowed to be treated how you want to be treated. I, for example, would like to be treated like a large bowl of potato salad

Me welcoming all my new followers…

Me welcoming all my new followers.

I just told someone I'd be OUT AND ABOUT. 🙄 That's right, old boy. I'm gonna take a powder, hit the bricks. I'm gonna go see a man about a dog.

My SO is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break. #joke

i came. i saw. i made it weird

I'm making party wings, which means this is officially an apocalypse party.

it is acceptable to wipe your hands on a sleeping relative because they are your napkin

heading to the grocery store, just going to check out what’s new in beans innovation